'Her death awoken me' - Johns Hopkins major choice essay

Prompt: Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

On December 3rd, 2007, my grandmother passed away at the age of 54. She could not stave off the fated result of battling adult-onset diabetes in a third-world country.

Her death had awoken me to the realization that the human body is not invincible, but rather, it is a system of parts that must perform various functions in synergy in order to reach a desired goal. This newfound understanding sparked in me a sense of fervor to understand how body systems work and why they often fail.

As I gained more exposure to the nature of these systems through courses such as AP Biology and Human Anatomy and Physiology, I became more and more convinced that this is my passion. I became involved with the Science Olympiad team at my school and for a whole year studied a single protein, Caspase-3. I was absolutely enthralled by the fact that this single protein plays a crucial role in apoptosis (programmed cell death) and holds great promise in offering lifesaving cancer gene therapy.

At Johns Hopkins, I want to be able to study in a program that provides academic resources and research opportunities that help further augment my understanding of these topics in both the classroom and the lab, so that I may in the future apply this knowledge to find treatments and solutions to diseases like cancer or diabetes. The Biomedical Engineering program is ideal in that regard and I hope to have the opportunity to become a part of it.

Good job! I made only a few minor edits as follows. Overall, you've done well in creating an attention-getting opening statement. I hope the best for you in being acceptd to the program.

Edited text begins here:

On December 3, 2007, at the age of 54, my grandmother passed away. She could not stave off the fated result of battling adult-onset diabetes in a third-world country.

Her death had awoken me to the realization that the human body is not invincible; rather, it is a system of parts that must perform various synergetic functions in order to reach a desired goal. This newfound understanding sparked in me a sense of fervor to understand how body systems work and why they often fail.

As I continued to expose myself to the knowledge and nature of these systems through courses such as AP Biology and Human Anatomy and Physiology, I became more convinced that a field in this area is my calling. I have a strong passion to learn all I can. I became involved with the Science Olympiad team at my school and for a whole year studied a single protein, Caspase-3. I was enthralled by the fact that this single protein plays a crucial role in apoptosis (programmed cell death) and holds great promise in offering lifesaving cancer gene therapy.

At Johns Hopkins, I want to be able to study in a program that provides academic resources and research opportunities that help further augment my understanding of these topics in both the classroom and the lab, so that in the future I may apply this knowledge to find treatments and solutions to diseases like cancer or diabetes. The Biomedical Engineering program is ideal in that regard and I hope to have the opportunity to become a part of it.

Very well articulated adjectives and with these corrections (which I do agree with) should attract John Hopkins' major attention.

Thanks everyone! I really like your edits, Sheri. I'll be sure to include them in my final.