Hi, I really need some feedback on my personal statement. It's about 20 words longer than 1000 but I'll be sure to cut it down to size soon. I think I added too many details in some areas so if you can, let me know which parts would be okay to cut. Thank you. =)
Here are the prompts:
Prompt #1
* [Freshman Applicants] Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how has your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Prompt #2
*Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Personal Statement 1
Imagine if you had a passion or a skill for something but there was a barrier stopping you from doing what you strive to do. A wall, you try to climb over, dig under, and go around but nothing you do helps. All of a sudden all hope is lost and your only response is to walk away from that wall and find a new path. My dad was put in to a situation like that where he was forced to quit something he loved and had a passion for.
My father had graduated from the University of Baghdad in Iraq at the top of his class and became an engineer. Before he could even enjoy his new career, while I was only two, we were forced to immigrate to America in search of a better and safer life. When we came here he had to essentially start over because his degree and the years of college he had dedicated to his education weren't recognized in America.
I was then an only child and my dad had the ability to continue pursuing his education by going to community college. Not only did he have to add a few more years of education to his life but he also had to learn an entirely new language. I remember coming home from school and seeing my dad sitting around a desk with a few books lying around him; I would jokingly go sit next him to do my one little worksheet of math homework and I would compare my two plus two equations to his logarithmic equations. I could tell he enjoyed learning, he never once complained because of the amount of work that he had to do. He actually seemed rather happy.
My dad finished a whole year and a half of community college but then my younger sister was born. He was forced to quit school and find a full time job because there was now one extra person he had to support. At the time I didn't understand what was going on, now I would come home and instead of seeing books lying around my dad I would come home to see my dad lying down on the couch exhausted because of the countless hours he had to work. Not only would I not see him as much but he didn't seem as happy as he was when he was getting an education.
My dad's enthusiasm for learning never ended even after he stopped going to school. He would sit down with me everyday and we would go over not only that day's lesson but the next lesson as well. My teachers would always be so surprised when I would come in to math class a lesson ahead of everyone else. Most people would be behind but I always understood what the teacher was talking about. My father would use me as a way to let his eagerness for learning come out. He wanted me to be the best of the best because he never got to be the best he could've been.
Because of my dad's persistence and encouragement I am now the type of person who strives to learn. It began as a little girl spending time with her father and a few math problems and ended up with a young lady who doesn't want to settle for anything lower then what she knows she can accomplish. I finally realized that my dad gave up his aspirations to give me and my family a better life so I would like to make certain that I achieve my goals to guarantee that he didn't sacrifice his for no reason. I want to ensure that I will get to the other side of that wall with no barriers blockading my path.
If it wasn't for my dad pushing me and expecting me to do things that he never got a chance to do, I would never have had the same enthusiasm as he does for education.
Personal Statement 2
As I reflect on my life before high school the first word that comes to my mind is dormant. It seems like I was just going through the movements of life, doing only the bare minimum. I had good grades and a few friends that I could count on but something was missing. I had no passion for things besides school and friends. There was nothing that I just loved to do. When ever people asked, "What's your hobby?" my mind would draw a blank, I couldn't answer because well, there was no answer.
There were people around me who when asked the same question they couldn't stop talking. It varied from basketball to ballet or charity to dance. I envied these people, I wondered why bottled up inside of them was passion and in me there was absolutely nothing. I was dormant; temporarily asleep.
Midway in to my freshman year of high school I noticed that nothing had changed. I was still living the same life and I didn't like it. Then elections for student government began. I thought about the idea of running but just thinking of me and student government together was beyond ridiculous and I quickly laughed it away. As I was walking through the halls to get to my next class a complete stranger came up to me and handed me an application to run for office, I couldn't believe it, someone thought that I should do it. Even though this person was handing out these applications to everyone they saw I still felt important.
To even my surprise I picked up the courage and ran for student government. I did it! I not only stopped my dormant phase but I entered a phase where I couldn't stop getting involved. I began to join clubs, volunteer around my community, I ran for class office and even joined my schools academic league.
As I now look around I see many people around me who are dormant and I know what they are going through. I was there once. All they need is a stranger to give them a little push and who knows, maybe I'll be that stranger.
Please be brutally honest...
Hey Flora. Its a good essay but can be much better.
1st one.
1) You have got a brilliant story but there is a link missing which connects you to your father. Although you have written the story beautifully, one would like to see a little more of you. How you were inspired.... OR.... How you battled your way like your dad in adversities and moved on in life with a positive outlook of things. Your Dad story is great. Tweak it and it will be really nice essay.
2nd one.
Stranger? Didn't get it? Why did he give it you? Even if it was, it sounds very strange to say the least. Who and Why remain unanswered so they leave me dissatisfied. Of course, you have word limit so avoid it and mention a close friend who knew your secret desire....
Now this essay you are portraying a little negative side to you. Far too long you say you don't have any ambitions. By saying that you are pushing yourself out of competition. Two lines are sufficient and instead of saying "Laughed it away." say, "I was turning cold feet last moment because I never had left my safety bubble before. But a friend of mine pushed me in to get that form and fill. When i got in, it gave me immense self confidence to test my potential. I guess now my new challenge would be coming to your college...."
Something like that is little better( acc. to me that is if you don't like leave it.) because it shows growing up from a kid to grown up.
Cheers.... The essays have GOOD content. Best of luck... :)
Imagine if you had a passion or a skill for something but there was a barrier stopping you from doing what you strive to do. -- A wall, you try to climb over, dig under, and go around but nothing you do helps
All of a sudden all hope is lost and your only response alternative is to walk away from that wall and find a new path
My father had graduated from the University of Baghdad in Iraq at the top of his class and became an engineer.
There are some other corrections to be made as well; however, I think you have an excellent set of essays here. They just need a little work. I agree with the last person who critiqued your two essays. Why don't you re-work them and then present them again to the forum? You have the workings of two excellent personal statements here; they are both very powerful.
Thanks,
Mark
I love the essay about your dad, but include a bit more of your "world you come from" if possible. Show how your dad's influence combines with some other factors to produce the state of mind you have today.
The other essay is very good, too. I don't have much of anything negative to say. You write well, and I hope you'll have some time to tutor other writers here at EssayForum.
As I now look around I see many people around me who are dormant and I know what they are going through. I was there once. All they need is a stranger to give them a little push, and who knows, maybe I'll be that stranger.
