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My dad has sensitive skin; Casa Grande High School, UC Essay #2

hawaii2010Threads: 2 Posts: 17 Author: Ashley Reclite	Aug 13, 2009, 04:45pm #1
UC Essay #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, experience, contribution, or accomplishment that you bring to the University of California. What makes you proud of this quality or accomplishment and how does it relate to the person you are? (472) * This is a rough draft. Not sure if it answers the question enough. Editing and other feedback is greatly appreciated! SEE BELOW

EF_SimoneThreads: 3 Posts: 2,101 Author: Simone, EssayForum.com [Moderator]	Aug 13, 2009, 07:26pm #2
You have a habit of tacking extra information onto sentences with "and," as follows: Loud applause filled the room as we finished playing our final piece and the judges began to converse. Ten minutes later, the head judge announced that our band had received a unanimous superior and the celebration began. This was the first time that the freshman band had ever received a unanimous superior at Casa Grande High School and our teacher was thrilled. In some instances, this makes your sentences tend toward run-ons. Used so consistently throughout your essay, the 'this "and" that' formula makes your writing repetitious. Only link together thoughts or events that belong together; find ways other than the word "and" to forge such links. hawaii2010: I could have cared less what the judges had said unlike everyone else around me. You probably mean that you couldn't have cared less what the judges said.

hawaii2010Threads: 2 Posts: 17 Author: Ashley Reclite	Aug 13, 2009, 07:30pm #3
Are there any other changes that I should make? It is slightly longer than I would like it to be.

EF_SimoneThreads: 3 Posts: 2,101 Author: Simone, EssayForum.com [Moderator]	Aug 13, 2009, 08:02pm #4
Go through and fix the problem I identified, shortening your sentences as you go. Then let's see what you've got and if it's still too long.

hawaii2010Threads: 2 Posts: 17 Author: Ashley Reclite	Aug 13, 2009, 09:38pm #5
UC Essay #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, experience, contribution, or accomplishment that you bring to the University of California. What makes you proud of this quality or accomplishment and how does it relate to the person you are? (459 words) *I have made some changes, but still feel it needs improvement. I need to get it down to 420 words. SEE BELOW

Llamapoop123Threads: 8 Posts: 580 Author: Boxin Zhou	Aug 13, 2009, 11:20pm #6
Loud applause filled the room as we finished playing our final piece. The results of this performance were what we had been working towards for the entire school year.Avoid passive voice. You can reduce your word count by using an active voice. I placed my oboe on my lap and waited patiently for the judges' announcement with great anticipation. Ten minutes later, the head judge announced that our band had received a unanimous superior. This was the first time that the freshman band had ever received a unanimous superior at Casa Grande High School; our teacher was ecstatic. I joined in the celebration along with my friends, but it did not feel right; I could not have cared less what the judges had said unlike everyone else around me. At school the following Monday, we got back into our daily routine in band class. I pretended to be happy as whispers of the weekend events still filled the room. I put my oboe together and began to warm up when the urge to smash my oboe suddenly filled my head. I found this very odd until it hit me: I hate band. For the past six years I had been forcing myself to pretend that I love band so that it would not appear to be torturous.How does pretending you like band make it less horrible for you? My whole life I had done everything that my parents had told me because I wanted to make them happy and be what I believed was the perfect child.Everything that your parents told you? I felt nothing for the band's achievement because I feel nothing for band. I love music, but I hate playing it.I do not think that this is necessary

hawaii2010Threads: 2 Posts: 17 Author: Ashley Reclite	Aug 13, 2009, 11:46pm #7
I am wondering if this topic is strong enough. I feel that it will not be a strong entry. Is there any way to build on what I already have or do you think I should try another topic? I still need to cut out 15 words. SEE BELOW

Llamapoop123Threads: 8 Posts: 580 Author: Boxin Zhou	Aug 14, 2009, 12:23am #8
hawaii2010: I am wondering if this topic is strong enough. I feel that it will not be a strong entry. I do think that your topic is not too strong. I feel like you should emphasis how hard it was to make the decesion more. It also seems a little cliche. hawaii2010: Is there any way to build on what I already have or do you think I should try another topic? There is room for improvement although if you get any really good ideas for new topics I would do a little freewrite on that topic.

EF_SimoneThreads: 3 Posts: 2,101 Author: Simone, EssayForum.com [Moderator]	Aug 14, 2009, 09:20am #9
hawaii2010: I am wondering if this topic is strong enough. Yes, this is a fine topic. You vividly tell a story in order to illustrate a maturational turning point in your life. hawaii2010: I still need to cut out 15 words. The results of this performance would determine ~~if our hard work was paying off~~ our fate. This was the first time that the Casa Grande freshman band would ~~ever~~ receive a unanimous superior ~~at Casa Grande High School~~; our teacher was ecstatic. I found this ~~very~~ odd until it hit me: I hate band. While my parents are not thrilled with my decision, they realize that I need to make my own decisions ~~in order~~ to grow and mature.

hawaii2010Threads: 2 Posts: 17 Author: Ashley Reclite	Aug 14, 2009, 09:44am #10
I wrote another sample. Good, bad, better? The bitter taste of freshly made leomade burst into my mouth as my dad and I enjoyed a nice summer day in the backyard. It was a typical summer day with my sister chasing the dog around the grass as my parents and I were engaged in a conversation with our neighbors, who were over for the afternoon. My dad has sensitive skin, so after a few hours he had to move inside. I followed along not wanting to end our conversation. His face was extremely red and I worried he had been in the sun too long. After we had all eaten, everyone congregated to the family room to watch a movie. About thirty minutes into The Incredibles, I got the overwhelming sensation that something was not right. I looked around and did not notice anything unusual until I glanced at my dad; he was having trouble breathing. His skin was an unimaginable shade of white. I screamed out of shock as the adults surrounded him and my mom called 911. It felt as if my world had suddenly frozen: the moment was dragging on, as I feared that I would never laugh with him again. Our neighbor rode with my dad in the abulance, while my mother rushed the rest if us to the hospital. Sitting in the waiting room was agonizing; I was shaking uncontrollably. Two hours after we had arrived, we were allowed to see him. I started crying on the way, not knowng what to expect. As I walked into the room, I saw his smiling face and normal skin tone. My tears changed from that of fear to that of happiness. The doctor informed my mom that a side affect of my dad's cholesteral medication was fainting if he spent too much time in the sun and was not drinking enough liquids. I knew that his sensitivity to the sun had also played a significant role. He had pushed himself to far and should have gone inside sooner. This expereice has taught me that I need to appreciate my parents more. My bonds with both of them are bonds that I will never be able to replace. This scary encounter made me realize that I need to enjoy ery precious moment that we get to spend together because I never know when they can be taken from me. I have learned that I need to take more risks and be more open to the sundry opportunities that I will come across throughtout my life.

Llamapoop123Threads: 8 Posts: 580 Author: Boxin Zhou	Aug 14, 2009, 10:46am #11
hawaii2010: leomade Lemonade. hawaii2010: I have learned that I need to take more risks and be more open to the sundry opportunities that I will come across throughtout my life. Your dad had to go tot he hospital because he took a risk out in the sun. While I do like this essay, it barely answers the prompt. "Tell us about a personal quality, talent, experience, contribution, or accomplishment that you bring to the University of California. What makes you proud of this quality or accomplishment and how does it relate to the person you are?" 1)More love for ones parents is not an important thing to the University. 2) You give nothing about yourself to be proud of. 3) I do not know what type of person you are after this essay.

hawaii2010Threads: 2 Posts: 17 Author: Ashley Reclite	Aug 14, 2009, 11:15am #12
I would like to stick with the first essay. Will emphasizing how hard it was to make the decision make the essay stronger?

Llamapoop123Threads: 8 Posts: 580 Author: Boxin Zhou	Aug 14, 2009, 12:01pm #13
I think so. From your essay right now it sounds like a really simple decision. You hated band so you quit. Your parents put up no resistance whatsoever so I conclude that it was not a tough decision for you. If it isn't a tough decision your lesson is shakey. However, it is a fact that your parents did not put up any resistance so it is also fact that your decision was not difficult because of the lack of possible negativities. Everyone was supportive of your decision. The others seem to disagree with me about your essay. You can choose not to take my advice.

hawaii2010Threads: 2 Posts: 17 Author: Ashley Reclite	Aug 14, 2009, 12:25pm #14
I find your advice helpful. Do you think the changes I made make a difference? I also need to get it down to 423 words. It is currently at 473. I could no longer be in this unhealthy situation, so I went against my parents' wishes and did what was right for me. I quit band and felt a wave of relief crash over me. They expressed their disappointment and forced me to finish the year. After a while, I decided not to bring it up because a fight would result. Although it was tough, I was proud that I had stuck up for myself against my parents. I was also able to approach my teacher and confess how I truly felt. My teacher was mad and was doing everything she could to convince me to stay. Upon realizing my unhappiness, she encouraged me to follow the path that brought me fulfillment and I am grateful for her support. I still help out with numerous tasks in the band room during my free period because I enjoy listening to the music. While my parents are very against my decision, they realize that I must make my own decisions to grow and mature. Since this incident, I feel confident when in sticking up for myself and feel that I can be more open with people about my feelings. There will be resistance from others at times, but I know I can deal with it because it is part of life. I will never put myself in a situation like this again because I know it will prevent me from living a happy and healthy life.

Llamapoop123Threads: 8 Posts: 580 Author: Boxin Zhou	Aug 14, 2009, 12:48pm #15
hawaii2010: They expressed their disappointment and forced me to finish the year. After a while, I decided not to bring it up because a fight would result. Although it was tough, I was proud that I had stuck up for myself against my parents. How did you stick up for yourself if they still forced you to finish the year? hawaii2010: I still help out with numerous tasks in the band room during my free period because I enjoy listening to the music. You don't need this. I think that this is much better.

hawaii2010Threads: 2 Posts: 17 Author: Ashley Reclite	Aug 14, 2009, 01:15pm #16
I have to turn this in later today. I feel confident with this draft. Any last comments? Loud applause filled the room as we finished playing our final piece. The results of this performance would determine our fate. I placed my oboe down and waited for the judges' announcement with anticipation. Ten minutes later, the head judge announced that our band would receive a unanimous superior. This was the first time that the Casa Grande freshman band would receive a unanimous superior; our teacher was ecstatic. A celebration followed, but it did not feel right because I could not have cared less what the judges had said unlike everyone else around me. The following Monday, we got back into our daily routine in band class. I pretended to be happy as whispers of the event still filled the room. I put my oboe together and warmed up when the urge to smash it suddenly filled my head. I found this odd until it hit me: I hate band. For the past six years I had forced myself to pretend that I love band in hopes that one day I would convince myself that I did. My whole life I had done everything my parents had wanted because I strived to make them happy and be the perfect child. I felt nothing for the band's achievement because I feel nothing for band. I could no longer be in this unhealthy situation, so I went against my parents' wishes and did what was right for me. I quit band and a wave of relief crashed over me. They expressed their disappointment and forced me to finish the year. After a while, I decided not to bring it up because a fight would result. Although it was tough, I was proud that I told my parents how I felt. I also approached my teacher and confessed how I felt. She was mad and did everything she could to convince me to stay. Upon realizing my unhappiness, she encouraged me to follow the path that brought me fulfillment and supported me. While my parents are against my decision, they realize that I must make my own decisions to grow and mature. Since this incident, I feel confident when sticking up for myself and feel that I can be more open with people about my feelings. There will be resistance from others at times, but I know I can deal with it because it is part of life. I will never put myself in a situation like this again because I know it will prevent me from living a happy and healthy life.

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