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Your contribution to the UF campus community, admission essay



GiannaJamThreads: 2
Posts: 4
Author: Anthony McKinston
   
Jul 11, 2008, 04:36pm   #1
Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.

~~~~AND~~~~~

Please leave comments as to how to make it better!


It was not until I met my mentor that I realized that it only takes one act of kindness to forever change the life any one person. My sister and I had recently moved from Mississippi to Florida to live with my father. It was our first time in Florida, as well as meeting our dad. My sister and I were finally with him, and all was well.
As time progressed, we began to less of our father. During this time, we had been introduced to our biological mother who had just quit her drug addiction. One day at her boyfriend's apartment, my mother asked my sister and me to sit in the living room. There, she explained that she had had the HIV/AIDS virus for 16 years. Looking at me, she began to cry and apologize because I was 15 at the time. She explained that she did not know she had the virus at the time of my conception. My mother then told me that at birth, I had tested positive. I was hurt, and began to feel immediate self-pity.
Later, I walked in my home, only to find out that none of the bills had been paid. This was the beginning of 2-month period without a telephone, cable, electricity, and water. I then realized that my father had started back his crack addiction. This addiction would be his demise in the subsequent year.
A month had passed, and things had seemed to have gotten progressively worse. I had just taken an HIV test, and the wait was by far one of the most excruciating emotional pains I had ever felt. I had no where to reside but with my father, even under such inhumane conditions. At school, I had been acquainted with a school teacher, her name was Ms. Stephanpoulos. She was there to lend a helping hand during the time when I felt isolated from the world and destined for failure. I felt that no one would want to be around me if I had HIV. She was not repulsed by my current conditions, but instead, she was comforting. Thankfully, I had tested negative. Being that she was an educator, she spent time making sure that I never gave up on life, and that I continue to excel in my studies and become a successful and philanthropic person. I eventually joined the International Baccalaureate program at Rickards High School. At times when I felt discouraged, she was there making sure that I persevered. As of today, I remain in the top 10% of my graduating class, in addition to striving to obtain my IB diploma among other achievements.
My meaningful experience was meeting my mentor because of the tremendous impact she has had on me and the people I have helped. My mentor's tender acts of kindness have propelled my desire to help others at no expense. She was there for me, and I intend on doing the same for my fellow undergraduates, staff, and faculty at the University of Florida. I have dedicated my time to helping others, especially during difficult moments of their lives. I have committed over 550 community service hours, helping and providing motivation for people who believed that hope was a thing of the past. This is the attitude I hope to bring the University of Florida campus. People go through rough experiences in there life, but, one thing that always helps is to have someone there to aid during a time of need. It is these acts of kindness that help promote prosperity and the love for humanity. As a UF Gator, I will help to contribute to the success of the campus community by helping others whenever and wherever.



EF_Team5Threads: -
Posts: 2,649
Author: Gloria, EssayForum.com
   
Jul 12, 2008, 12:02pm   #2
Good morning!

Here are my suggestions:

"It was not until I met my mentor that I realized that it only takes one act of kindness to forever change the life any one person. My sister and I had recently moved from Mississippi to Florida to live with my father. It was our first time in Florida, as well as meeting our dad. My sister and I were finally with him, and all was well.
As time progressed, we began to less of our father. During this time, we had been introduced to our biological mother who had just quit her drug addiction. One day at her boyfriend's apartment, my mother asked my sister and me to sit in the living room. There, she explained that she had had the HIV/AIDS virus for 16 years. Looking at me, she began to cry and apologize because I was 15 at the time. She explained that she did not know she had the virus at the time of my conception. My mother then told me that at birth, I had tested positive. I was hurt, and began to feel immediate self-pity.
Later, I walked in my home, only to find out that none of the bills had been paid. This was the beginning of 2-month period without a telephone, cable, electricity, and water. I then realized that my father had started back his crack addiction. This addiction would be his demise in the subsequent year.
A month had passed, and things had seemed to have gotten progressively worse. I had taken an HIV test, and the wait was by far one of the most excruciating emotional pains I had ever felt. I had nowhere to reside but with my father, even under such inhumane conditions. At school, I had been acquainted with a teacher, Ms. Stephanpoulos. She was there to lend a helping hand during the time when I felt isolated from the world and destined for failure. I felt that no one would want to be around me if I had HIV. She was not repulsed by my condition, but instead, she was comforting. Thankfully, I had tested negative. Being that she was an educator, she spent time making sure that I never gave up on life and that I continue to excel in my studies and become a successful and philanthropic person. I eventually joined the International Baccalaureate program at Rickards High School. At times when I felt discouraged, she was there to make sure that I persevered. As of today, I remain in the top 10% of my graduating class, in addition to striving to obtain my IB diploma, among other achievements.
My meaningful experience was meeting my mentor because of the tremendous impact she has had on me and the people I have helped. My mentor's tender acts of kindness have propelled my desire to help others at no expense. She was there for me, and I intend on doing the same for my fellow undergraduates, staff, and faculty at the University of Florida. I have dedicated my time to helping others, especially during difficult moments of their lives. I have committed over 550 community service hours, helping and providing motivation for people who believed that hope was a thing of the past. This is the attitude I hope to bring the University of Florida campus. People go through rough experiences in life, but one thing that always helps is to have someone there to aid during a time of need. It is these acts of kindness that help promote prosperity and the love for humanity. As a UF Gator, I will help to contribute to the success of the campus community by helping others whenever and wherever."

You have a very moving essay here; just a couple mechanical errors, but overall very well written. You have had a very tough time it sounds like, and you deserve all of the good that comes your way.
Is there a word count restriction on this essay?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


GiannaJamThreads: 2
Posts: 4
Author: Anthony McKinston
   
Jul 12, 2008, 07:35pm   #3
Thank you soo much for your response.


Is there a way that I can delete this thread so that I could avoid it being plagiarized!

P.S. Thank you soo much for your time!!!!!!! It was really helpful!!!!!!!!!!!!!


EF_TeamThreads: 44
Posts: 522
Author: Moderator, EssayForum.com
[Moderator] Likes 12  
Jul 12, 2008, 08:48pm   #4
You're welcome!

Regarding your question, please read the TOS again as well as some of the threads posted in the FAQs section. Unless you provided a false name in your profile, you will not be accused of plagiarism.

Cheers,

EssayForum.com


GiannaJamThreads: 2
Posts: 4
Author: Anthony McKinston
   
Jul 12, 2008, 10:49pm   #5
It is an original essay, it's just that I do not want it to be plagiarized by other people being that it is my college admission's essay. How can I make sure that no one will use my essay as their own?


EF_TeamThreads: 44
Posts: 522
Author: Moderator, EssayForum.com
[Moderator] Likes 12  
Jul 12, 2008, 11:01pm   #6
Greetings,

You have already made sure your essay will not be plagiarized by others because you have included your real name in your profile. If someone else wanted to use it as their own, the search result will show the posting date as well as your name as the original author of the essay; in result, they, not you, may get into trouble if they try to use your essay as their own.

Cheers,

EssayForum.com


EF_Team5Threads: -
Posts: 2,649
Author: Gloria, EssayForum.com
   
Jul 13, 2008, 01:19am   #7
Good evening.

According to our TOS (http://www.essayforum.com/disclaimer-privacy-tos), your question about removing your essay so that others cannot copy and paste it as their own is such:

"2. You grant us the total right to sub-license your posts (or edited or modified versions of the posts) to others at our discretion.

IMPORTANT: Since we provide this service for free, we will not be able to remove your posts on request, unless you pay us for the time spent on doing research and answering your question. The total amount will be calculated at the rate of $25 per hour. We accept credit card and Paypal payments.

I hope this clears up any confusion.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com




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