please read this essay and give me some feedback
i need some ideas as to how i could fix it. thanks for reading
it sounds a little weird. i dont know what though.
here is the prompt
In approximately 250 words, tell us about the most personally significant contribution you have made to a community through your participation in one of the activities you listed under ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP on this application. This personal statement is required. Since you are applying online, you must submit your statement with this application in the space provided.
I am selfish. I am selfish for wanting everything. If I see something I like, it's in my possession instantly. Life is not always easy and I think to myself,while i was growing up I took a lot of things for granted and I should have been more aware.
My parents always told me I should be thankful for what I have. I did not realize how right they were. Joining the student government association is one of the most wonderful experience of my high school career. It became part of my everyday life. Giving back to the school felt like a compulsion instead of an obligation; it was morally right to give back to the school.
One day the student government offered a community service opportunity. And If I completed the two hours of the offered community service I would not have to do the requirement of five hours of community service. I decided to do it and get my service hours over with.
I went to help Our Neighbors, a non-profit community-based organization that provides holiday gifts to low income families. I walked in the storage warehouse full of toys and gifts. I wondered if this was really going to thousands of kids. Loading the toys onto the truck up for delivery was exhausting, but I knew I must go on. I was so focused that time flew by; instead of two hours, I stayed three more. I felt so happy even though I was not getting any of the gifts.
I understand what my parents was trying to tell me all along. There are many families and kids who are less fortunate and cannot get everything they want. I would get things just because i like it, and not use them any more. There are kids dying to have the latest toys and gadgets, but cannot afford it. This changed my perspective, and each bag that was loaded into the truck, I thought of kids. I imagined them opening the bag full of toys. It made me warm inside. Then i was selfish because I wanted to help out more. I was selfish wanting to give away more. I was selfish to see the smiling faces of the community.
I am selfish. I am selfish for wanting everything,. If I see something I like, it' s in my possession instantly.
I didn't did not realize how much they were right. Joining the student government association is, one of the most wonderful experience inof my high school career.
[It became apart of my life to give back to the school. It felt moral or like an obligation for me to join it.]Revise. maybe: "It became part of my everyday life. Giving back to the school felt like a compulsion instead of an obligation; it was morally right to give back to the school." the word obligation kind of has a bad connotation, so it sounded awkward
... offered a community service opportunity. And If I completed the two hours of the offered community service I wouldn't would not have to do the required of five hours of community service. I decided to do it andto get my service hours over with.
I went to help an organization called Our neighbors child, and non-profit community based that provide holiday gifts for low income families. Revise maybe? I went to help Our Neighbors, a non-profit community-based organization that provides holiday gifts to low income families
I walked in the storage warehouse full of toys and gifts. I though to myself ,"I asked myself, is this..." or "I wondered if this was..." is this really going to thousands of kids.
Andif you're using words like "and" there has to be a comma afterward. instead of the 2 hours I stayed 3 more hours. I felt so happy even though I wasn'twas not getting any of the gifts.
Maybe if you elaborated more. Like "I was so focused that time flew by; instead of two hours, I stayed three more.
I was selfish to help out more. I was selfish to want to give away everything.
it's good, but you need to connect this experience to how you now understand that your parents were right about telling you to pay more attention to the things in life u used to take for granted. how did this change your perspective?
i liked how you started and ended. just revise a little bit..
can you tell me what you think about mine?
thanks
Life is not always easy and I think to myself, When I was growing up ,while i was growing up I took a lot of things for granted and I should have been more aware.
I did not realize how much they were rightright they were . Joining the student government association is, (eliminate comma) one of the most...
This changechanged my perspective, and each bag that was loaded into the truck, I thoughthought of kids.
