Any suggestions on content, structure, grammar, etc. are welcome. Thanks in advance
Prompt: The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System is heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice?
We had the honor of getting the opportunity to give presentation on electromagnetic induction to our A Level classmates. Consequently, we discussed the division of labor in order to do our job more efficiently; finally, we decided that let my friends collect the information, such as concepts, related experiments and equipment, and so on, while I, as an expert on computer among my classmates, combine all the information provided to make a PowerPoint.
As my friends and I felt exhausted after several hours' work, we have prepared ourselves to give a forty-five minute presentation on electromagnetic induction to our A Level physics class. Though we had already cooperated to rehearse for several days, we still made last minute scans over our PowerPoint, checked the materials needed for the experiment, and thought about our teacher's advice on teaching. As I finished my presentation, I was surprised that most of my classmates achieved a strong grasp of the concept. We took our teachers advice and presented the material in a concise and easy to understand format so that all the students would understand the difficult concepts. As our teacher congratulated us on our exceptional job, I thanked him for his helpful suggestions and realized the unforgettable lesson I learned regarding cooperation. I learned that not everyone works or learns the same way I do; it is cooperation that can enhance our work efficiency. Because of the experiences I had, I have achieved a greater appreciation of cooperation and will therefore be a vital member at Rice University. Through my former experiences, I am able to cooperate with all kinds of people and also become a good friend.
I can see your dedication to the project but I think it would engage the reader more if you put a more personal tone to it. I like how you stated what you learned!
"We had the honor of getting the opportunity to give a presentation..."
"Consequently, we discussed the division of labor in order to do our job more efficiently. Finally, we decided tolet my friends collect the information, such as concepts, related experiments and equipment, and so on, while I, as an expert on computer among my classmates, combined all the information provided to make a PowerPoint."
"Exhausted after several hours of work, my friends and I prepared for a forty-five minute presentation on electromagnetic induction to our A Level physics class."
"When I finished my presentation, I was surprised to learn that most of my classmates had achieved a strong grasp of the concept."
"As our teacher congratulated us on our exceptional job, I thanked him for his helpful suggestions and realized the unforgettable lesson I learned regarding cooperation." ---- Maybe you could talk about more lessons besides the one about cooperation. Or give more details (ie-specific anecdote) about cooperation.
I don't know if the last line is needed since you've already mentioned that you know how to cooperate. Or you could put in some examples of how you became a good friend.
Good job and good luck!
Thanks a lot for your great advice, Lois Lee!
Also thanks in advance for any more advice.
We had the honor of getting the opportunity to give a presentation on electromagnetic induction to our A Level classmates.
Consequently, we discussed the division of labor in order to do our jobs more efficiently; finally, we decided to let my friends collect the information, such as concepts, related experiments and equipment, and so on, while I, as an expert on computers among my classmates, combine all the information provided to make a PowerPoint.
maybe this could be broken into 2 sentences?
As my friends and I felt exhausted after several hours' work, we had prepared ourselves to give a forty-five minute presentation on electromagnetic induction to our A Level physics class.
Though we had already cooperated and rehearsed for several days, we still made last minute scans over our PowerPoint, checked the materials needed for the experiment, and thought about our teacher's advice on teaching.
:)
Kevin
