Um it's really rough draft of an essay that came to me on my ride back from CC. Feel free to critique and spellcheck. Thank you in advance. :]
The soul of a complex mind. Complexity is my personality, my ways. My mind wonders to places I do not know about. Touching senses I've never really encountered.
To me even the small things like cracks on the sidewalk have a significant value, and can be traced to a fond or not so fond memory. For example '(train stop)' is a stop I hate. I hated it with many reasons. I hated I had to wake up cranky as can be to place I hated even more, my high school. A place that I hated. General hatred for everything and myself. It brung the negative aspects through the many of the hardest transitions of my life. But then there's other stops like (train stop) where I remember sharing so much laughter with my friends and how time would fly by with strangers from every part of the world dressed edgy, relaxed and professional just to name a few. We, peacefully cohabitating, became a melting pot capital of the United States.
A sense that seems to always touch me as well is the transitioning from who I am to who I am now. It baffles me how to no end because I was just a below-par student, with no ambitions no wants for anything. I've must have instilled disappointments to many people, especially my mother and teachers. They saw the great potential I've never seen in myself, my negative surroundings gave me no energy to even attempt to want to grow. Although these occurrences' are from the past they make me reflect like those train stops on the trains. You can either let life be negative and let ideas of pessimism and the ambiance of bad thoughts come into your life or make the decision to have fun, improve your life and overall the state of mind. While my mind may be complex, I've chosen to decipher it's complexity with ideas of hope and ambition.
For example '(train stop)' is a stop I hate.
But then there's other stops like (train stop) where I remember sharing so much laughter with my friends and how time would fly by with strangers from every part of the world dressed edgy, relaxed and professional just to name a few.
I don't get the idea of comparing train stops & I don't think it makes you sound like a complex thinker...
General hatred for everything and myself.
I don't think you should say you hate yourself... maybe your pessimism, but not you.
I've must have instilled disappointments to many people, especially my mother and teachers. They saw the great potential I've never seen in myself, my negative surroundings gave me no energy to even attempt to want to grow.
Okay, now I get the idea that you're really negative, which isn't a good quality to bring to any school :[
at least balance it out by showing what influenced you to change into a optimistic, ambitious person
Errr...It is possible that mind is just simple but I truly cannot understand your essay. I can understand separate sentences but I can't really string them together? No worries, I write like this all the time.
What is the prompt that you are trying to answer? Even though I sort of understand your point your essay is plagued with negativity (is this the right word?) that cannot be reversed with just one sentence.
There's no prompt it's more like standard personal statement aside from the supplements... i feel like i write like this all time, but more on subjects of myself. I'm cramming a lot of information and trying to be perfect and concise but I feel like I'm missing the point and it brings down the essay, sometimes. I end up writing like of bunch of these and still haven't hit the nail. ]:
any help?
Well for one I would look at a prompt before writing an undergrad essay. If this essay fits a prompt that you want to answer then tell us so that we can help you fit it into the prompt.
The only thing that I can say right now is that you have grammatical errors and that you should be more modest about your "complex mind".
Okay, so, what you want the essay to say about you is that you have a "complex personality." That's too vague. Pick a particular personality trait or set of traits that you want your essay to focus on, then choose anecdotes from your personal experiences that show them. This will give you a more structured essay that is more in keeping with the sort of thing you want to do in an admissions essay.
spellcheck
That would be lazy of you if you didn't bother to use your MS Word or similar software to correct spelling errors ;}.
I imagine that what you are trying to do with this essay is allow the reader to see how you see the world as you wander through it thinking about cracks on the sidewalk. That's a valid aim for creative writing but perhaps not the best approach for an application essay unless one is a superlative writer able to covey complex nuances with memorable figures of speech. Why don't you consider what you've got so far as "pre-writing" and read it over for gems that you can use as the basis for a more coherent essay on, as Sean suggests, some specific aspect of your personality or one of the experiences to which you allude?
Thanks all. I will be taking all you guys advice and i'll post the outcome in the near future. :)
