I would appreciate it if someone could give me a harsh evaluation of my essay. I am specifically worried about the flow, which doesn't feel good to me at the moment.
What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? (250 word limit)
Since my early childhood years I have been deeply affected by the misery and sadness of others. I wept when my parents refused to buy a homeless man a meal, stood up against bullying in my class and volunteered as a visiting friend for the retirement home in my town. As a teenager I have sat down and listened to classmates whose parents were getting divorced, friends who were beginning to associate with a bad crowd, and strangers whose eyes were teary. I have shared their despair, their sadness, their frustration and anger, and I have tried my best to help them by providing what emotional support they needed at the time.
In a world that is becoming increasingly noisy and superficial, I listen, I notice, I send the smile, I ask the question, and I do what I can to help. As one who lives a relatively safe and comfortable life, I feel like I have a responsibility act on the compassion I feel for the less fortunate, and by doing so I have been humbled and greatly matured as both a person and a member of society.
Compassion is an emotion that is integral to society. It is a fuel of societal progress and revolutions. Acting on it is a sign of willingness to stand up to injustice, for what you believe in and the will to be a citizen. It is therefore the attribute of my personality I am most proud of.
I feel like I have a responsibility to act
It reads pretty well to me. Only thing I could find fault with is the last paragraph. You are pretty subtle with the first two, showing the admissions officers what attribute has affected you, but then in the last paragraph you just come straight out and tell them, here it is and I'm telling you I've answered the prompt. I think if you could figure out how to work in subtly that you are proud of having compassion instead of going "It is therefore the attribute of my personality I am most proud of", it would flow better through the end.
Thanks. I followed your advice and integrated the third paragraph into the rest of the text. I am having trouble connecting the 3rd. paragraph to the 4th. in the edited version, though, and would greatly appreciate some advice. Saying that I attempt to set an example would be dishonest, because that would make it sound as if that - instead of compassion itself - is the main reason for me acting.
Essay:
Since my early childhood years I have been deeply affected by the misery and sadness of others. I wept when my parents once refused to buy a homeless man a meal, stood up against bullying in my class and volunteered as a visiting friend for the retirement home in my town. As a teenager I have sat down and listened to classmates whose parents were getting divorced, friends who were beginning to associate with bad crowds, and strangers whose eyes were teary. I have shared their despair, their sadness, their frustration and anger, and I have tried my best to help them by providing what support they needed at the time.
I have realized that the will to act out of compassion is something that seems to be disappearing from society, even though it is integral to a healthy one. It is a fuel of societal progress and reform, of revolutions and riots. Acting on it shows that you are willing to stand up to injustice, for what you believe in, and have the will to be a citizen. If it is disappearing, then what kind of society are we turning into? Not one I want to live in.
Conflict point
In a world that is becoming increasingly noisy and superficial, I listen, I notice, I send the smile, I ask the question, and I give the hug.
I care, and I am proud of all the smiles I have received and moods I have improved as a result.
I would add the noisy and superficial sentence to the end of the 1st paragraph.
Here's an idea:
I have realized that the will to act out of compassion is something that seems to be disappearing from society, even though it is integral to a healthy onesociety .
Then for your last paragraph, something along the lines of: In a society where compassion seems to be disappearing, I am proud to care enough to help people in their times of need. (replace the last part with something that truly describes how you feel).
Thank you for your advice. Here's the latest version, which is probably going to be the final. Please evaluate:
Since my early childhood years I have been deeply affected by the misery and sadness of others. I wept when my parents once refused to buy a homeless man a meal, stood up against bullying in primary school and volunteered as a visiting friend for the retirement home in my town. As a teenager I have sat down and listened to classmates whose parents were getting divorced, friends who were beginning to associate with bad crowds, and strangers whose eyes were teary. I have shared their despair, their sadness, their frustration and anger, and I have tried my best to help them by providing what support they needed at the time. In a world that is becoming increasingly noisy and superficial, I listen, I notice, I send the smile, I ask the question, and I give the hug.
I have realized that the will to act out of compassion is integral to a healthy society. It is a fuel of societal progress and reform, of revolutions and riots. Acting on it shows that you are willing to stand up to injustice and for what you believe in. In a society where compassion seems to be disappearing, I am proud to care enough to help people in their times of need - to be a citizen.
You've done a great job answering the former part of the question, however, I would add a little bit about how it has impacted your life.
The rest is great. Good luck.
