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'Communities, groups, purposes' - Brown supplement essay



monique45Threads: 3
Posts: 15
Author: Ada Del Cid
   
Dec 30, 2011, 07:03pm   #1
Please revise it! I will try to return the favor.

The topic is: We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you. ( limit is 1000 characters)

The director raises his arms, agitates his baton, and the glorious melody starts. Everyone follows their leader, playing their own instrument. Despite the fact each produces a different tune at different frequencies, it is the final product the one that impacts the crowd and fills the room with magnificent melody. They are a community.
A community is a conglomeration of individuals who share a common interest. In an orchestra the love for music is a common feeling for all its members.
Every member is important or the community would not work to its optimum. The musicians need as much their instruments as they need each other and their director. Without a director the music would not be harmonious; without the musicians no music at all could be played.
Being part of this community has helped me become persistent. I have been able to play songs that are challenging for me, despite their difficulty I go for them. Band has helped me to become a goal achiever.

Thanks in advance!



deestaThreads: 1
Posts: 4
   
Dec 30, 2011, 07:09pm   #2
I like this, but spend less time describing the band and more on how this experience shaped you


monique45Threads: 3
Posts: 15
Author: Ada Del Cid
   
Dec 30, 2011, 07:25pm   #3
Thank you Deesta! I will add more about how it has shaped me :)


mlaytonThreads: -
Posts: 9
Author: Brian G Zhang
   
Dec 30, 2011, 07:34pm   #4
I think you can change from saying "they" to "we" if you are part of the band community. By saying "we" it gives off a more personal touch. Good essay though. I think "A community is a conglomeration of individuals who share a common interest." is a little unnecessary since Brown is asking for your community - they already know what a community is! It wouldn't hurt to mention your instrument and how despite you all play different instruments, the love for music is what ultimately holds you together.


music920Threads: 6
Posts: 33
Author: Lacey Nelson
   
Dec 30, 2011, 07:38pm   #5
The director raises his arms, agitates his baton, and the glorious melody starts. Everyone follows their leader, playing their own instrument. Despite the fact each produces a different tune at different frequencies, it is the final product the one that impacts the crowd and fills the room with magnificent melody. They are a community.
A community is a conglomeration of individuals who share a common interest. In an orchestra the love for music is a common feeling for all its members.
Every member is important or the community would not work to its optimum. The musicians need as much their instruments as much as they need each other and their director. Without a director, the music would not be harmonious; without the musicians, no music at all could be played.
Being part of this community has helped me become persistent. I have been able to play songs that are challenging for me, despite their difficulty I go for them. Band has helped me to become a goal achiever.


You've got some good ideas going for you here! However, I think you should focus more on how being a part of an orchestra has influenced you and why it is so significant to you, because that's what's really important here. Overall though, good job and keep working! There's some awkward phrases/grammar in there, but you did a nice job and I like your topic. Best of luck! (I'm apply to Brown too (: )


monique45Threads: 3
Posts: 15
Author: Ada Del Cid
   
Dec 30, 2011, 08:00pm   #6
True Mlayton I had not thought about it, thanks for your help :)

Thank you music920 :) Oh really, good luck and hope we both get accepted :)


monique45Threads: 3
Posts: 15
Author: Ada Del Cid
   
Dec 30, 2011, 08:27pm   #7
REVISED!!!


The director raises his arms, agitates his baton, and the glorious melody starts. We all follow our leader, playing our own instrument. Despite the fact each produces a different tune at different frequencies, it is the final product that impacts the crowd and fills the room with magnificent melody. We are a community.
My band is very diverse, including from flute players, like me, up to drum players. Regardless of the instrument we play, it is music what holds us together.
Every member is important or our community would not work to its optimum. The musicians need their instruments as we need each other and our director. Without a director the music would not be harmonious; without the musicians no music at all could be played.
Being part of this community has helped me become persistent. I have been able to play songs that are challenging for me, despite their difficulty I go for them. Band has helped me to become a goal achiever.


Please see if it is now fine.




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