Being the first in my family to have been born in America has always instilled much pride in me. Growing up, I always took note of my parents Russian-influenced accents. Even as a young child my mother would always ask me to correct her if she was to make any mistakes while speaking English. This is what inspired me to venture into the world of speech language pathology as a college student.
When I first began at Brooklyn College I was very confused with what I wanted to major in. For any student this is literally a life changing decision, so I knew that I had to make a wise choice. I needed to pick something that I loved and that I would enjoy doing every day for the rest of my life. I first started with a broad major of pre-med. After my first semester being extremely unsuccessful I grew very disheartened by the situation I put myself into. Needless to say my transition from high school to college was not a smooth one. At the end of my first semester, a friend of mine approached me and told me about the Speech Pathology program. I researched the program some more and it clicked, this is exactly what I would love to do. Helping people with accent reductions would just be a small part of what I could do as a speech pathologist and the thought of this motivated me. During the next semester I worked very hard to undo what my poor grades from the semester prior had done to my GPA in order to be accepted into the Speech Pathology Program. After getting accepted, each class continued to show me how much I enjoyed learning about different speech disorders and the multiple techniques there are to help a patient correct them.
In May of 2011 I started to volunteer at Coney Island Hospital's Communication Disorders Department. It was there that I first got hands on experience that furthered my eagerness for this ever-evolving field. I assist a speech pathologist with dysphagia evaluations and therapy of many patients that have suffered strokes and traumatic brain injuries. It is difficult to explain the joy I felt when one patient in particular, who had been diagnosed with Apraxia, realized that when he slowed down his speech it was marvelously clear and understandable. Watching the wonders that goal oriented therapy does to help patients is the most amazing feeling in the world.
In the face of adversity I proved to my family and myself that I could do anything that I put my mind to. I believe that my dedication to this field would benefit the Speech Language Pathology Masters Program at Brooklyn College. I pride myself in being a hard working student and ask that you grant me entry to the graduate program so that I can use my hard work and dedication to change lives as a speech-language pathologist.
I will go by line. Keep in mind, I am more of a content editor than a grammar editor.
1, 2-Dont use the word always in both sentences.
4-Explain the "This" in greater detail. Vague.
9, 10, 11, 15, 16 Take out the negative two sentences about pre-med, high school and the reference to poor grades.
The second paragraph needs more specifics on why you like the program, feel it is right for you and why accent reduction is important. Is it? Maybe look into other ways ST benefits.
Last paragraph
4- remove "it is difficult to explain" that is what you need to do here, explain.
8-how were you in the face of adversity?
9-remove, to this field. Elaborate on your strengths.
use the thesaurus to replace hard working and dedication.
Consider swapping 2nd and 3rd paragraphs.
Personal story in the intro is grabbing but needs more specifics.
2nd and 3rd paragraphs needs work, details, and direction.
Thank you for your input. I changed around some stuff, let me know what you think!
Being the first in my family to have been born in America has always instilled much pride in me. Although my brothers were only five and seven when they came to the United States, it meant something much deeper to my parents that I was born here. I was a true American, and it was up to me to truly accomplish the American dream. Their American dream may have been slightly different from other immigrants, but it had the same core. My parents came to this country so that my brothers and I could reach our full potential and accomplish everything that they knew we were capable of. The fact that I was a U.S. citizen from birth just gave me that much more aptitude to accomplish great things.
Growing up, I took note of my parents' Russian-influenced accents. Even as a young child my mother would always ask me to correct her if she was to make any mistakes while speaking English. The practice of teaching my mother how to properly pronounce a multitude of sounds is what inspired me to venture into the world of speech language pathology as a college student.
In May of 2011 I started to volunteer at Coney Island Hospital's Communication Disorders Department. It was there that I first got hands on experience that furthered my eagerness for this ever-evolving field. I assist a speech pathologist with dysphagia evaluations and therapy of many patients that have suffered strokes and traumatic brain injuries. The joy that I felt when one patient in particular, who had been diagnosed with Apraxia, realized that when he slowed down his speech it was marvelously clear and understandable was overwhelming. Watching the wonders that goal oriented therapy does to help patients is the most amazing feeling in the world.
When I first began at Brooklyn College I was very confused with what I wanted to major in. For any student this is literally a life changing decision, so I knew that I had to make a wise choice. I needed to pick something that I loved and that I would enjoy doing every day for the rest of my life. At the end of my first semester, a friend of mine approached me and told me about the Speech Pathology program. I researched the program some more and it clicked, this is exactly what I would love to do. Helping people with accent reductions would just be a small part of what I could do as a speech pathologist and the thought of this motivated me, being that I had been doing that for the majority of my life. After getting accepted into the Speech Pathology Program, each class continued to show me how much I enjoyed learning about different speech disorders and the multiple techniques there are to help a patient fix them.
I proved to my family and myself that I could do anything that I put my mind to. I believe that my devotion to this field would benefit the Speech Language Pathology Masters Program at Brooklyn College. I pride myself in being an attentive, motivated student and ask that you grant me entry to the graduate program so that I can use my diligence to change lives as a Speech-Language Pathologist.
Much better, First and second Paragraphs are solid.
I would change these two sentences, in that they are unclear, run-ons. More detail and break into two, maybe?
I assist a speech pathologist with dysphagia evaluations and therapy of many patients that have suffered strokes and traumatic brain injuries.
The joy that I felt when one patient in particular, who had been diagnosed with Apraxia, realized that when he slowed down his speech it was marvelously clear and understandable was overwhelming.
Maybe don't walk the reader so slowly through your choice of major, gets a bit dull.
Reword last paragraph so that all sentences don't begin with I. As a rule of thumb, I circle the first words of all sentences in my essay and make sure that only one/two start with same word (in one paragraph).
Last two paragraphs need to be more concise.
Add a fuller description of "devotion"-work, school, family-this should be a more powerful, thesis statement.
I believe that my devotion to this field would benefit the Speech Language Pathology Masters Program at Brooklyn College.
