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CommonApp Essay - The Cycle I'm Indebted; I understand my purpose to my neighborhood


jyu104 14 / 46  
Jan 1, 2010   #1
DEADLINE DEADLINE DEADLINE. I would greatly appreciate grammar edits.

I shuffle past the lobby to the backroom of the library. As I turn the knob, cracking open the door, I spot a familiar face. It is Gabriel. Taking a seat at the table, I scoot over beside him. Like many of the kids I tutor, Gabriel comes from a family of immigrants, just like many of the kids in my neighborhood. He reminds me of myself when I was younger, pencil in hand, eager to learn.

I point toward his backpack and he takes out his folder. He speeds through the math worksheets like usual, adding and subtracting with ease. But when we start on his English homework, I sense his unease. He has difficulty with this subject. So together we go through his worksheets slowly, making sure that he understands every part.

I look at the clock and it is five minutes until seven. The afterschool-tutoring program ended at six thirty and Gabriel's parents should have been here about half an hour ago. But it's fine, I don't mind staying later with him. We pour over a copy of Pinnochio while we wait for his parents, with him reading it first, and then me correcting his mistakes the second time around.

As we approach the end of the story, we hear a light rapping on the door. It is Gabriel's mother. She gives a sigh of relief when she sees Gabriel. She seems worn-out, shoulders slumped, with deep breathing, right out of work. She is glad that Gabriel is here and finds comfort in that. I tell her that we made good progress today, and Gabriel translates that for her. He reminds me of myself when I was younger, translating in English for my own parents. Gabriel's mom asks me something in her thick Portuguese accent, but I do not quite understand. Gabriel tells me that she is asking if I will be here tomorrow. I say yes, and that comforts her.

When I think about Gabriel and the kids like him that I tutor, I am reminded of myself. Coming from a household in which neither parent spoke very much English, I struggled with schoolwork. With both parents knowing just as much English as me, if not less, I had no one to turn to. My parents were concerned about my education and I turned to afterschool programs like the one Gabriel turned to. The help I received there influenced me and shaped me, and kept me from falling through the cracks. Had I not gotten the assistance I needed, I would never have been able to have the opportunities I've been able to have, or the achievements I've made.

Like Gabriel, coming from an immigrant family, I soon became of vital importance in my family. The one with strongest English, at a young age, I was depended on to help translate for my parents. I read to them their mail in English, and communicated with adults in English because they could not. From this experience, I know how important it is to help Gabriel and keep him from falling through the cracks, because I know he will be the lifeline for his family.

Coming from an increasingly diverse neighborhood and growing up in an immigrant family, I understand the challenges that are faced by the children of immigrants. I understand how, with my help, as Gabriel's mother is unable to help him, I can influence Gabriel's life. I also know how helping him will help his family as well. When I think of Gabriel and the kids I tutor, I am reminded of how grateful I am to be where I am today and I feel indebted. Because of kids like Gabriel, I understand my purpose to my neighborhood, and know that I can change the lives of the next generation of kids just like us.
OP jyu104 14 / 46  
Jan 1, 2010   #2
I WILL CRITIQUE YOU BACK ASAP. Grammar edit this and comment? It won't take much time. I WILL CRITIQUE YOU BACK.
autogunny 3 / 72  
Jan 1, 2010   #3
As I turn the knob, cracking open the door, I spot a familiar face.

As I turn the knob and crack open the door, I apot..

Like many of the kids I tutor, Gabriel comes from a family of immigrants,just like many of the kids in my neighborhood.

He has difficulty with this subject.

why?

ended at six thirty and Gabriel's parents should have been here about half an hour ago

... why did you include this in here?

When I think about Gabriel and the kids like him that I tutor, I am reminded of myself.

you have already said this in first paragraph.

I str

I, like Gabriel, str..

Like Gabriel, coming from an immigrant family, I soon became of vital importance in my family.

how is gabriel of vital importance to his family. You never said this. Stop writing overly romantic sentences and stick to facts. Maybe you can say "One day, while tutoring, Gabriel came without doing his homework. When I asked him why, he said he had to help his mother learn English" or something. I'm tired of reading boring things that say the same thing. I want muscles.. right now your essay is a good skeleton. Just add the muscles(details).

can you critique mine?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 11, 2010   #4
Like many of the students I tutor, Gabriel comes from a family of immigrants, and the same is true of many others in ou r neighborhood.

"kids" is not really very formal...

When you put 2 complete sentences together as one compound sentence, use a comma:
I point toward his backpack, a nd he takes out his folder.
You did it correctly for this compound sentence: I say yes, and that comforts her.

Your English really is excellent...

As the one wit h strongest English, at a y oung age I was depended on to help translate for my parents.


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