Common Application Short Answer (Color Guard)

Please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular):

The visual art form of Indoor Color Guard has always intrigued me through the synchronized spinning of flags, rifles, and sabres and the various selections of music associated. From classical to contemporary, from light to dark, each selection of music allows every performer to express themselves to further implement the theme constituted within the piece. Throughout a season, color guard units come together and compete within their respective divisions. Whether the results turn out as a win or loss, the dream of future progression goads us back to the gymnasium at the start of every practice. As a captain and a member as well, the necessity of steadfastness, leadership, and positive energy are kept in my mind at all times to further enhance the color guard as a whole.

The visual art form of Indoor Color Guard has always intrigued me through the synchronized spinning of flags, rifles, and <--Eliminate that "and" sabres <--I always spell it "sabers" but maybe they're both right and the various selections of music associated. From classical to contemporary, from <--Replace "from" with "and" or just get rid of "from" altogether light to dark, each selection of music allows every performer to express themselves <--"Themselves" does not agree with the "performer" antecedent. Replace with "himself or herself" to further implement the theme constituted <--weird word choice there. Try "developed" instead within the piece. Throughout a season, color guard units come together and compete within their respective divisions. Whether the results turn out as a win or loss <--should be "wins or losses" because "results" is plural, the dream of future progression goads us What's with the random "us"? You've kept this impersonal until this point. back to the gymnasium at the start of every practice. As a captain and a member as well <--AWKWARD INTRODUCTORY CLAUSE. Try "As both a member and a captain." Put "captain" second because it conveys that you're a team player (i.e. "member") and that you're also a leader, the necessity of steadfastness, leadership, and positive energy are kept in "are kept in" is passive voice. The fish was not eaten by the shark. The shark ate the fish. Active voice keeps it fresh!my mind at all times to further enhance the color guard as a whole.

Overall some really great stuff. I like your usage of wide vocabulary.

Thank you very much.