Revised Draft
I wonder, sometimes, about the person I have become and my maturity as a human being. A person who has had a significant influence on me is my mother, Annette. My mother's personality, hard work, and generous acts have influenced me greatly in my life. My mother's personality, hard work, and generous acts has given me great influence in my life. Her personality is honest and energetic. Anyone can pick up her personality just by having a dialogue. She is a real estate agent at Century 21, a top corporation in the real estate business. She works with people day after day, and she has yet to have a day off for herself. She is a hard worker who will go the extra mile to keep her clients content. At home, she is a generous mother. She chooses others before herself. My mother's actions have brought enormous influence in my life.
Annette's personality brings influence to my life. She grew up in a small town in Florida, and before she moved to New York, her qualities developed while growing up. She talks in a nice manner, a highly regarded woman. Annette is easy to talk to. I feel that my personality mirrors hers because we are both truthful and energetic. She will tell you everything you need to know. Her energy is felt whenever she speaks. She is the type of woman who will keep the other listening while in conversation.
Annette united with the Century 21 team in 2003, and prior to her acceptance to Century 21, she went to class to study the field. In 2005 and 2006, she was awarded "Top Producer of the Year" in her office. She works with different types of people everyday, and her qualities as a person make her a thriving real estate agent. Understanding her work ethic, I believe I can reach success knowing the hard work I have to put in.
Annette is a generous person. She cooks for not only family members, but friends and neighbors. She gives goods to charity stations daily. She tends to do work for others, rather than herself. It is tough to choose others first, yet my mother has acquired that knack. Her attribute as a generous person is the utmost influence she has given me, and in my heart, she is a saint. Many can agree with her benevolence.
Abraham Lincoln once said," I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life." A strong relationship between a mother and her child is a key ingredient in growing up. My maturity prolonged through these years thanks to my mother. Annette characterizes an altruistic human being. She raises a good, healthy family, and she is the one I look up to. My free time is also narrow, yet I try to work like my mother to get my responsibilities done. My mother always tells me to never squander time. Her obligation, not only as a human being, but as a mother, brings influence in my life.
I tried to combine sentences, like what you said.
More comments/suggestions/corrections will be appreciated again.
Thanks, Bobby
All of your sentences are roughly the same length and use roughly the same structure, especially in the body paragraphs. This makes the essay sound more simplistic than it actually is. So, I'd suggest you revise this draft to eliminate that problem, mostly by combining some of the sentences, then post the revised draft for review. If you do that, don't forget that your goal is to have varied sentence lengths and structures -- don't simply combine every set of two sentences so that you have all long ones.
Great advice from Sean, and I also found a way to help:
I wonder, sometimes, about the person I have become and my maturity as a human being. A person who has had a significant influence on me is my mother, Annette. My mother's personality, hard work, and generous acts have influenced me greatly in my life.
Changing "whom" to "the person" is just an idea, so you can take it or leave it...
Good luck!!!!
The style of the essay is greatly improved. I like the quote from Lincoln near the end, too. You can tighten up the introduction a bit, though. The third and fourth sentences seem to repeat each other. Also, you manage to use the word "influence" five times in the first paragraph and the first sentence of your second paragraph. Try replacing some instances of the word with synonyms.
