An extracurricular activity that I greatly enjoyed was volunteering in Brain Boosters, a local tutoring program that provides students with homework assistance and enrichment activities. I was glad to have the opportunity to interact with younger students and help them reach their potential. To make tutoring sessions more relaxing and fun, I inquired my buddies about their day at school and then absorbed their summaries of a new intriguing book, sympathized with complaints about the tyrant teacher, or advised on how to approach Dad about a lost calculator. One of my students often relayed to me her loneliness and hardships at home and I would offer her advice. I realized that my role as a tutor wasn't just to assist students with homework, but also to provide encouragement and optimism. By tutoring younger students, I improved my communication skills, pushed myself out of my comfort zone, and formed new friendships.
To make tutoring sessions more relaxing and fun, I inquired my buddies about their day at school and then absorbed their summaries of a new intriguing book, sympathized with complaints about the tyrant teacher, or advised on how to approach Dad about a lost calculator.
^ it sounds like you're trying to impress your reader with 'complicated' language to make you seem 'smarter'. use simpler language; your essay will sound more natural.
also, you should focus on one or specific events rather than stating broad things. i like how you talked about helping a student who was having a problem at home. that should be the main focus of your essay. or write about something else with more specificity.
i'm actually in the process of writing the extracurricular short answer on the common app too.
i hope this helps =)
This is extremely solid and able to be sent off, however it could use more work to give the complete picture. You lay out what you do very well, however tell us more about how the kids have affected you (without making it cheesy)
I just posted my 150 word one as well, if we combine writing styles we would be in good shape.
I actually thought the words you used are apt.
Just a couple of things. There is a slight digression in your writing here. And like kyleroland said, try to focus more on how the kids affected you, which seems to be the crux of your writing.
I also did feel exactly comfortable when I read the phrase "tyrant teacher". Maybe overbearing is a better word?
To make tutoring sessions more relaxing and fun, I inquired my buddies about their day at school and then absorbed their summaries of a new intriguing book, sympathized with complaints about the tyrant teacher, or advised on how to approach Dad about a lost calculator.
This sentence is unclear. Can you split it up to two sentences?
One of my students often relayed to me her loneliness and hardships at home and I would offer her advice. This part seems like it could be shortened.
Remember to make your essay as concise as possible. It is always the best way to improve your essay
I think that since you do a variety of things, your essay should focus on that, as you have. The writing is good, but I don't think you 'inquire' your buddies, you just ask them about their days. Try to keep it simple, clear and direct.
here's a revision
An extracurricular activity that I greatly enjoyed was volunteering in Brain Boosters, a local tutoring program that provides students with homework assistance and enrichment activities. I was glad to have the opportunity to help younger students from lower socioeconomic backgrounds reach their potential. To make tutoring sessions more relaxing and fun, I asked my buddies about family and school. I'd absorb their summaries of a new intriguing book, sympathize with complaints about the tyrant teacher, or advise on how to approach Dad about a lost calculator. One of my students often relayed to me her loneliness at home, and I'd cheer her up with games and stories. By the end of the program, I realized that my role as a tutor wasn't just to assist students with homework, but also to provide encouragement and optimism.
This is much more clear and direct. It reads very well. When you write like this, it is also much less self-conscious, and seems more mature.
thank you for your comments.
i need more feedback on my Why UChicago
