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Common app essay reviewed..Can you please help me? I eill return the favor..than youu



AnxhelaThreads: 11
Posts: 45
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Dec 30, 2011, 06:57am   #1
Can you please help me reviewing it??
Be critic and honest please..I accept every advice

Every day, every moment of our life we are subject to important decisions. However if we think carefully most of the times life is the outcome of random circumstances. At the end the only things on which we really make a choice are the most insignificant, the ones we do not even think we are making a choice on.
The most personal one is clothing. What really intrigues me about wearing is how most of us deny to care about it: "Oh no, I am not that kind of person. I wear what is comfortable". Classic sentence: simple and to the point. Look at them, they have on all the various color tones that arise in you the imagine of them staring themselves in front of the mirror for at least two hours. Thus, essentially no one admits publicly to care about their appearance. However it says something about the person, it talks to others creating an idea, an abstract imagine about an individual.
I am scarf-mad. Everyone around me seem underestimate the statement a simple scarf can make. To me, scarves are not merely covering my naked neck, but a reflection of who I am. When I don't feel like drawing attention to myself, I wear my blue scarf. It renders me indistinguishable from others and thereby make me feel independent. I wear it going to school, going to the gym and even when I go to the library and sit, transfixed by a single book. Or maybe I am wearing my brown-striped scarf- my confidence and my warmth. It expresses my comforting side. I like wearing it at home, with friends in front of a fireplace. My favorite scarf however is my winter purple scarf. It is my individuality, my enthusiasm, my laughter, my love of risk-taking, No one else I know has it.
To me wearing is a personal need. It means feeling good, being in synch with my garments. This kind of choice embraces my necessity to be different, to distinguish my character from the others. I guess that it is in our nature willing to be unique because we fear the number, the so-called mass.
In pretending to be different we make a bit of confusion. The mass is not equivalent to number. There can be millions and millions of similar people, but they can still remain individual, with their uniqueness. I think it is possible. Number is merely a meaningless idea/thought, the only thing that really counts is using our unequaled head in making our personal choices, even if it has to do with such a simple issue like clothing.
MusicforleisureThreads: 3
Posts: 41
Author: Nicharee Pichitsurakij
   
Dec 30, 2011, 07:42am   #2
Hi! a few suggestions here:

However if we think carefully most of the times life is the outcome of random circumstances. At the end the only things on which we really make a choice are the most insignificant, the ones we do not even think we are making a choice on.

--> However if we think carefully, we would notice that most of the time, life is an outcome of random circumstances. Sometimes, we end up making unconscious decisions on insignificant things.

How do you like this revision? Im not sure if this revision changes ur content or not. This is how I interpret it, though =)

Look at them, they have on all the various color tones that arise in you the imagine of them staring themselves in front of the mirror for at least two hours.

--> Im not quite sure what you mean here. Maybe you should clarify it a bit ?

Everyone around me seem underestimate the statement a simple scarf can make.

Everyone around me seems to underestimate a statement a simple scarf can make.

I guess that it is in our nature willing to be unique because we fear the number, the so-called mass.

--> my suggestion: I guess this reflects our innate desires to be unique -- to get out of the so-called mass

Overall, the content seems good. However, I think that if you try to make your essay more concise, it would be better =)

I hope this helps!
good luck

and please take a look at my essay if you have time - giving back to your country essay
thanks =)


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