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Common App Essay - Please edit and i will return the favor!!

Pottergirl19Threads: 6 Posts: 25 Author: Abigail Lutz	Dec 30, 2011, 12:43pm #1
Please help me edit this. Sometimes my sentences sound a little awkward or confusing. A dark, confined bedroom closet is not the most usual place for two girls to be playing Parcheesi. It was nothing out of the ordinary, however, for my older sisters. They had me, the pesky three year chasing after them around-the-clock. I bothered them so much they decided to play their favorite game, Parcheesi, in the closet to escape my constant chatter. But as much as I could annoy them sometimes, they still looked out for their little sister. I adored them when I was little, and have always looked up to them as my biggest role models. At the age of seven, most little girls care most for their friends and their Barbies. But when I was seven, I was going through high school. Having sisters so much older than me exposed me to high school drama years before I entered it myself. My sisters helped me realize early on that there is more to life than high school. I have seen how much happier they were at college than in high school, which has helped me get through the past few years; to deal with drama, mean girls, and peer pressure. Seventh grade was my first real dose of mean girls. My sisters were both in college at the time, but they still comforted me. They helped me understand true friends stick with you no matter what, something I have kept close throughout high school. As a teenage Christian, sometimes it does feel hard to fit in when so many of my peers discriminate against me for my beliefs and values. But watching my sisters' every actions intently at a young age showed meI don't have to be like everyone else. They, along with everyone else in the world, were made fun of in high school, but they never tried to change who they were to "fit in." My sister Melissa did not change herself to please the "popular girls" on her sports team who mocked her, and she showed me that I can be happy and have true friends who like me for who I am. Beki and Meli have always encouraged me to be myself and to do what is right for me. They helped me find the motivation to become a doctor someday. Their encouragement has not only helped me realize what I want to do in my life, it has also given me the incentive to do it. My older sisters have definitely influenced my life for the better. They helped me get through the hard times, taught me that there is more to life than being prom queen, and motivated me to go far. They have guided me through the good and the bad. I may not follow them around like a loyal dog anymore, but I still admire them greatly. Hopefully they no longer feel they need to escape to the closet to play Parcheesi.

Strawberry78Threads: 4 Posts: 80 Author: Erhunosa	Dec 30, 2011, 12:58pm #2
A dark, confined bedroom closet is not the most usual place for two girls to be playing Parcheesi. It was nothing out of the ordinary, however, for my older sisters. They had me, the pesky three year old chasing after them around-the-clock. I bothered them so much they decided to play their favorite game, Parcheesi, in the closet to escape my constant chatter. But as much as I could annoy them ~~sometimes~~, they still looked out for their little sister. I adored them when I was little, and have always looked up to them as my biggest role models. At the age of seven, most little girls care most for their friends and their Barbies. But when I was seven, I was going through high school. Having sisters so much older than me exposed me to high school drama years before I entered it myself. My sisters helped me realize early on that there is more to life than high school. I have seen how much happier they were at college than in high school, which has helped me get through the past few years; to deal with drama, mean girls, and peer pressure. Seventh grade was my first real dose of mean girls. My sisters were both in college at the time, but they still comforted me. They helped me understand true friends stick with you no matter what, something I have kept close throughout high school. As a teenage Christian, sometimes it does feel hard to fit in when so many of my peers discriminate against me for my beliefs and values. But watching my sisters' every actions intently at a young age showed me I don't have to be like everyone else. They, along with everyone else in the world, were made fun of in high school, but they never tried to change who they were to "fit in." My sister Melissa did not change herself to please the "popular girls" on her sports team who mocked her, and she showed me that I can be happy and have true friends who like me for who I am. Beki and Meli have always encouraged me to be myself and to do what is right for me. They helped me find the motivation to become a doctor someday. Their encouragement has not only helped me realize what I want to do in my life, it has also given me the incentive to do it. My older sisters have definitely influenced my life for the better. They helped me get through the hard times, taught me that there is more to life than being prom queen, and motivated me to go far. They have guided me through the good and the bad. I may not follow them around like a loyal dog anymore, but I still admire them greatly. Hopefully they no longer feel they need to escape to the closet to play Parcheesi. I really like your essay, but you might consider condensing it and adding what you have done with the qualities your sisters have instilled in you. Did you try out for the play when people were ridiculing you? Just a thought. Good Luck. Also can you help me on my UPENN one. Thank you.

silentspringThreads: 27 Posts: 117 Author: YingBin Mei [Suspended]	Dec 30, 2011, 01:01pm #3
Very touching essay. Try to show more though . Take a look at this, hope that helps. http://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/show_dont_tell_the_college_ess

matthewmuliadiThreads: 1 Posts: 17 Author: Matthew Muliadi	Dec 30, 2011, 01:04pm #4
I like your essay :D love the personal feel that you give through the essay.. really touching and personal and it gets through the readers. I'd say a job well done :)

rrolleThreads: 3 Posts: 15 Author: Sharon Marie	Dec 30, 2011, 01:13pm #5
Pottergirl19: the pesky three year three year old Pottergirl19: But as much as I could annoy them sometimes, I was taught to never start with "but." I'd rewrite this to say "Still, as much as I could annoy them sometimes," Pottergirl19: , and I don't think you need that comma. Pottergirl19: But when I was seven, I was going through high school. "For me, I was going through high school at seven." Pottergirl19: But watching my sisters' every actions intently at a young age showed meI don't have to be like everyone else. "However, watching" and I think you forgot a space :) Everything else is pretty much perfect. I love your essay, it made me smile. Hope I helped. Good luck! :)

elephant1Threads: 2 Posts: 19 Author: Maddy Milb	Dec 30, 2011, 01:21pm #6
This is an awesome essay. I would condense the part about yours sisters and add more to show how you took their advise and ran with it. I don't think the part in the beginning about the games is necessary. I think college would be able to your potential easier if you gave examples of your doings rather than just of your sisters. College likes to see that you are doing something for you, not because somebody else told you to. Your sisters led by example, show college what you did. I would just try to make it more personal. I hope that was helpful! Will you read mine? Common App Essay: PLEASE HELP I WILL RETURN THE FAVOR

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