OK I have two essays, one on how I was influenced by someone, and another on an important issue to me. I'm trying to figure out which one to use on my common app. Any feedback would be appreciated so please, don't hold back the punches :)
-INFLUENTIAL PERSON ESSAY-
All of us, be it politicians, movie stars, athletes, or just regular every-day
people, were influenced by someone important sometime in our lives. What unites
all of us is the fact that some person is responsible for ultimately, who we
are today. The one person responsible for who I am, is my father.
My father, --------, is the epitome of a hardworker. Growing up in extreme
poverty in rural China, he went into the army to pay for college. Years later,
he graduated with a Ph.D in Biochemistry. A year after I was born in China, he
went to the United States to pave a new path and future for our family. Because
of him, we moved from a run-down apartment in Philadelphia, to an apartment in
Dallas, and finally to a house in Allen. The reason for all of this was to
benefit my education. When I would dissapoint him, he would constantly remind
me of why we had moved from China to the United States: Me.
During my childhood, my father was a sort of antagonistic hero. Unbelievably
strict and demanding, I had memorized my multiplication tables when I was 5,
was studying college-level vocabulary, and was on GRE-level mathematics before
I started grade school, all while my classmates in Dallas were struggling with
subtraction. He would make me turn off the lights and open the blinds so I
could read by sunlight. He would measure each product we bought and count exact
change. We never bought anything we didn't need. He was old school. These
values of common sense were passed onto me, as I find myself channeling my
father more than ever these days.
One thing my father loved to do in his spare time was play games. Some days, he
would come home from work with floppy disks of games for us to play. I remember
a certain day, August 21, 2001, my birthday. This was the day my father ever
violated the family commandment of "Thou shalt not buy what thou doesn't need."
He brought home not a computer, put parts of one. He looked at me and said, "If
you can put it together, it's yours." I later found out that the parts costed
over two thousand dollars. The times spent with my dad, killing aliens, or
troubleshooting the computer, were the happiest times of my life, and the
gateway to the career path I would inevitably walk down.
Now, my father lives in China, divorced from my mother, whom I live with. The
feelings I have about this are mixed, but I owe my childhood, my dreams, and my
future to the man who moved up from tending cows in China to a biochemist in a
suburban house in Allen, TX.
-ISSUE ESSAY-
As a child grows up, the most important people in their lives are their
parents. They seem like superheroes, they are invincible, and nothing will ever
happen to them. However, the day that child is told his parents can't deal with
each other, that the differences are too great, that they are getting a divorce
is the day his life crashes down. The day he stops seeing his parents as
heroes. The day he will never see anything the same again. The day he loses his
childhood.
February 16, 2003. My parents had been fighting non-stop for over two months,
but it was that single day that changed my life. First came my mom, "Song, your
father and I aren't going to be living together anymore, but this is in no way
your fault." Typical mom. Sugarcoating words, avoiding the D-word, and trying
to make me feel like nothing's wrong. Then my dad, "Son, your mother and I are
getting a divorce. I'm moving to Chicago." Typical dad. Blunt, to the point,
unemotional.
That was the day I realized that I had never seen them show any affection to
each other for the 11 years I had been alive. Their personalities were so
incompatible that there was no chance of them ever getting along. I had been
wrapped up in my elementary-school, adolescent world to ever notice. By my mom
saying I wasn't to blame, how could I not think that I was? Guilt overcame me.
I begged and pleaded with my parents that I would get better grades, do more
work around the house. Every time I tried to bargain with them, they would say,
"It's not your fault," and of course, I thought it was.
When bargaining didn't work, I plummeted into denial. When friends from our
church and family asked me what I thought and felt about the divorce, I
responded, "Their not getting a divorce, their just fighting. It'll blow over
soon." Oh how wrong I was. The day finally came when my dad moved out of the
house. That was the final blow. I couldn't deny it any more. They were getting
a divorce.
Since then, I have struggled. With life, with school, with friends. With no
male role model, I had to learn how to tie a tie and how to shave by learning
elsewhere. Somehow watching someone doing the windsor knot on Youtube just
isn't the same as your father teaching you. From then on, I was basically
living by myself. My dad was in China, and I lived with my mom, but she was in
such a state that she just stayed in the house all day, never talking. She
didn't get a job, as my father had left some money up till I graduated. Then
she planned on going back to China.
It was probably the realization that when my mom had gone to China, I would be
utterly alone in America. With the closest family I had being halfway across
the world, it was a horrible feeling. However, this sparked an inner resolution
that I would be independent. I would take care of myself, and one day, when I
had kids of my own, I vowed that what I had to go through would never happen to
them.
Although only 0.5% of couples in America get divorced annually, far more are
affected. The friends, the family, and ultimately the children. I feel that
going through a divorce is harder for the kids than it is for the parents. A
divorce rips away half of a child's life, leaving the other half bleeding and
confused. An entire generation of kids are growing up this way, with only one
parent. With only one half of what their life could have been.
dissapoint = disappoint
costed = cost
their = they're
I quite like the first essay, and I definitely think it answers its prompt better and is a better essay. I think the second essay never delineates what the issue that matters to you is, is overlong, and tells a story more than explores your personality.
In the first essay, you don't really explore yourself much, telling your father's story, rather than your own using him as a medium. What has his commitment, by hard work and thrift, made your values, for example? You need a little more sharpness in the essay, I think, as the general tone is a little dulled.
I hope none of that is too harsh.
I could really do with some feedback on my CommonApp Essay, if possible.
