A really influential person that had the greatest impact on my life I would say is my father. He has taught me the most important values in life. Through his words and actions he turned a careless irresponsible child into a young man.
this is the introduction. i don't know what to add and i don't want to throw in words just for filling spaces. should i give a small biography about his life ? waiting for your feedback
Thanks
maybe you could elaborate on what and how values he has taught you rather than your dad's life. cuz i think the common app essay wants a picture of you rather than your dad.
:)
A really influential person that had the greatest impact on my life I would say is my father. He has taught me the most important values in life . Through his words and actions he turned a careless irresponsible child into a young man. My dad taught me to thank God for everything no matter what position i might be in. He taught that giving up is never an option . I was impressed by how he , through hard work , went from a driver to an owner of a Mena Vet company for vetrienary products. He has always held that their is no age or limit for learning. Through his experience , I learned everythig about life; hope , faith and the long journey ahead. He is truly a source of enlightement and inspiration to me.
I finished the introduction. I really need your feedback
Thanks :)
I agree with wongxy. You are writing the essay to get into your school of choice. You are not trying to get your dad in the school. Focus more on you... how he impacted your life. How he taught you things that make you who you are today... anything like that. I definitely would not say that you should not write about your father...definitely do!
A truly influential person that has had the greatest impact on my life I would say is my father.
Through his words and actions, he turned a careless, irresponsible child into the responsible, independent, intelligent man I am today . My dad taught me to thank God for everything no matter what position I might hold .
I was impressed by how he, through hard work, went from a driver to an owner of a Mena Vet company for veterinary products. He has always held that their is no age or limit for learning.
Great job! I would still hone in on how what he taught you affects you most... Talk more about you!
that's what i've done so far, but definately that's not it...i really need your feedback...to know if i'm following the right way or not..
I am a product of my father's teachings and support. He is a source of inspiration and enlightenment to me. since the softness of my skin , he taught to never give up and to hold on to what I believe in, and to thank God no matter what state I might be in. His teachings are pillars and signs that help in the long journey ahead. He taught ambition and optimism; he always told me to love what I do till I do what I love, and instead of whining I should work.
My dad always wanted me to be in a good physique and lead a healthy life. He noticed that whenever he is watching a soccer game, I would sit next to him joyfully and start asking questions. He took me when I was seven to train soccer. The first month of my training was awful; the coach always kept me on the bench, and sometimes I was kicked out of training due to my horrible performance. I decided to quit training; however, he supported me and taught me a lesson that I can still remember now. He told me that for every success, there is a start, and it doesn't have to be promising. I took his advice and put more effort in my training. Eight years later, I am now one of the best defenders in my school and I play an important role in the school team, in addition to winning the school league four times.
The reason I am sitting here writing this essay is that my dad encouraged me to study in the United States. He wanted me to receive the highest level possible of education; however, the fees are greater than other universities in Egypt. He didn't want to me to be an ordinary kid, but a one who can make a change. At first, my definition of a pharmacist or a doctor was a man who gets paid for giving medicines and medical shots. Whenever the doctor came to check on my grandmother who suffered from kidney failure and brain strokes, he would leave her at comfort and ease, and I can tell from my dad's facial expression seeing his only mother at ease. My definition then changed; I see doctors now as people who bring relaxation and ease to people wherever they go. When I told my teachers and friends that I want to be a doctor or a pharmacist, some told me that it's impossible as it requires 6-7 years of hard work. But I got a different supportive response from my dad; he was glad that I had a goal and he told me to hold on to it. I don't want to be an ordinary pharmacist who works to make living, but someone who can make a change to better. I once told my science teacher that I want to make a change. She replied "to better or to worse" as she laughed; however, I took that as a motivation as I would prove to her and the whole world that I am.
Among all the things my father has taught me was to be a better, kind person to myself and towards other people to succeed in life if it was either at school, work, or in everyday social life. Last year, after my grandmother's funeral I was shocked to see how he bought my sister the laptop that he promised due to her high academic score; however, all the pain and agony he was in. He taught me to consider everyone as a part of my family and sometimes to put myself in his/her shoes. I believe that the biggest fantasy in live is to buy someone something he really needs and watch his facial expression. Sometimes I take money from my own savings and buy McDonalds to a less fortunate and watch him eat it happily from a place where he can't see me.
My father is a gregarious person which I kind of picked along the way. He taught me how to deal with different kinds of people with respect and love. He always left an impression to every person who knew her. He led a very colorful social life. I learned to treat people for what they are not who they are. He taught me to never judge someone from his outside, but from his personality.
From my place I am thankful for everything he taught me. He taught me things that I need or was going to in life. I am what I am because of him and whatever I will achieve in my will be credited to him. I believe that my dad will always be with me even after his soul leaves his body; he will be there through his teachings that I believe are my duty to pass on to my children. He will be there through me; when the people see my remarkable success one day, they will know the value of his teachings. He taught me everything about life; hope, faith, and the long journey ahead. To me he was the greatest hero.
...and in turn I receive the most important advice of my life.
OOps, I was editing Shine lee's contribution instead of your original essay!
For your essay, you are doing great! You just wrote a great paragraph about how supportive, and it demonstrates how wise he is. Now you need a good concluding paragraph to wrap it up and drive home the point of the essay.
One day, he discovered that I was smoking when he smelled it on my clothes ; however, all he said was, "Mena, you know what you did; don't worry I won't tell your mother about it, but promise me this is going to be the last time," and I did.
bring on the critiques and my weak points... i need ideas about how to make it more effective and interesting... and to add replace ordinary words with strong vocabulary...
thanks :)
1st Par. 2nd sentence... Since the softness of my skin, my father has taught me to never give up, to hold my own ground, and to be thankful of God no matter what state i am in. (not important suggestion.)
1st Par. 3rd sentence...His teachings are pillars and signs that will help in the long journey ahead.
2nd par.. when i was seven he took me to soccer training.
I decided to quit training, but my father supported me and taught me a lesson that I can remember until now.
He told me, for every success there is a start, and it doesn't have to be promising.
Eight years later, I am now one of the best defenders on my school's soccer team; helping to win the school league four times (within the last # years)(duration of time played on team)
* this is just my opinion my Father sound better than Dad in these essay.
what do you mean by not important suggestion ?
and the duration thingy you mean "within the last eight years , I have been of the best defenders on my school's soccer team; helping to win the school league four times "
i'm sorry i don't get the last line you said..is that a correction or a suggestion or what exactly ?
thanks :)
i am not whinning... i respect your policies and everything... this is not my first thread and i always been patient but because the deadline is today i am kinda in a hurry.. so if you would kindly support me with your valuable critique..i would really appreciate it..and i appreciate all the support you provided for me till i wrote my first version of my essay.. p.s. i would like to thank all the moderators and the contributors...
thanks :)
