'opportunity to have a technical-management background' - Columbia Univ. short essay response

Please tell us what attracts you specifically to the study of engineering:

I have always had great interest in mathematics and science. As these interests became more advanced as I pursued my college education, I frequently challenged myself to improve my analytical and creativity skills to solve problems with ease and eventually become a more thoughtful individual. I believe that Engineering Management Systems is the ideal choice for me because I want to have that opportunity to have a technical-management background that will offer me a wide range of career opportunities in the future. I want to have a diverse career background to better serve my country and the world at large. I have no doubt in mind that my educational background has instilled in me the best qualities required to meet the severity of this demanding profession.

As these interests became more advanced as I pursued my college education, I frequently challenged myself to improve my analytical and creativity skills to solve problems with ease and eventually become a more thoughtful individual. I believe that engineering management systems is the ideal choice for me because I want to have that opportunity to have a technical management background that willthis technical management background willsupply me with a wide range of career opportunities in the future. I want to have a diverse career background to better serve my country and my world at large.

Great ending, boring beginning. Can you revise to tell something interesting that has come to be a passion in your life... which relates to your aptitude for math and science?

My dad first gave me an insight to pursuing a career in engineering. He knew that the concepts, rules and theorems of mathematics and science amazed me every day . These interests became more advanced as I pursued my college education, and I frequently challenged myself to improve my analytical and creativity skills to solve problems with ease and be a more thoughtful individual.

This is great, you are doing very well!! Your dad will be proud.