Hi everyone, I'm a bit unsure with this essay (I've worked with it for a few days). Could anyone make suggestions (this time not with length anymore)?
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
Limit: 2000 characters
My essay: 1849 characters
Dear Roommate,
I often link myself with colors, and my letters are often filled with words in different inks. Unfortunately, I have no way to do that using Stanford online submission system. Anyway, can you pretend that I'm writing this note in my usual way?
- Black: I advise you always to turn on the light before coming to our room. Otherwise, you may get hit from me, a person who likes dancing in darkness and does all sort of weird movements.
- Blue: My favorite color, and surely I'll fill our room with blue. You'll see me with packs of blue stuff, from stuffed animals to chessboard. Most of which aren't blue originally, but my penchant for this color is so overwhelming that I repainted all.
- White: (hmm, how can I write in white ink? Anyway, I assume it's possible) my most unstable color. No no, don't worry that I'll scribble on your beautiful wall. What I mean is that I rapidly fill plain white pages with words and diagrams. I often write without a definite schedule and plan: the previous day I wrote about a trip in Greece, the next day I may write where my love for math comes from (spoiler: it comes from a box full of stones).
- Yellow: Upon seeing this color, you may scream: "What? Another Asian stereotype and math craziness?" Don't worry. True, there are times I need to be recluse to solve complicated math problems. But usually, you'll see me doing math with a box full of cards, dices and chess pieces. Is that math after all? Yes, it's the so-called Discrete Mathematics, the one that will help you when to bet on casino or how to schedule our hectic lives. I enjoy doing such math and always eager to demonstrate my fruits to others, so lucky you to be my first audience.
Is my life limited in just four colors? I hope not. I'm waiting for your note to intensify the diversity of our room's spectrum. See you in Stanford!
Dear Future Roommate,
I often link myself with colors, and my letters are often filled with words in different inks. [The beginning is very abrupt. Yes, this is an essay, but you're using a LETTER format. Frankly, if I was your roommate and you'd actually written this letter to me, I'd say: "Wow, no basic introduction? She obviously wrote this for the admission officers, not for me!" Thing is, the officers ARE using it as an essay, but you should stick to the format to make it natural.] Unfortunately, I have no way to do that using Stanford online submission system. ["That"? You mean writing in coloured ink? That's a bit implicit.] Anyway, let's pretend that I'm writing this note in my usual way. [If I read correctly, your "usual way" was writing in coloured ink. That's contradictory, don't you think? Maybe you can try "the usual way".]
- Black: I advise you to always to turn on the light before entering our room. Otherwise, you may get hit by me, since I like to dance in the dark and execute all sorts of weird movements.
- Blue: My favorite color, and surely I'll fill our room with blue. [This is a fragment. Try something like: "I'll probably fill our room with blue, since it is my favourite colour."] You'll see me with packs of blue stuff [this bold part is a bit vague. PACKS of blue stuff? And the word "stuff" is very informal, so try replacing it with "things" or "belongings" or something of that sort.], from stuffed animals to chessboards. Most of these weren't blue originally, but my penchant for this color is so overwhelming that I repainted everything.
- White: (hmm, how can I write in white ink? Anyway, I assume it's possible) [This seems out-of-place; the reference to "ink" is confusing. The two phrases don't blend into each other and it feels rushed. I suggest you take it out.]White is my most unstable color. Oh, don't worry that I'll scribble on your beautiful wall! What I mean is that I rapidly fill plain white pages with words and diagrams. I often write without a definite schedule and plan ["schedule and plan" is sort of wrongly used, it sounds vague. I thought you were referring to your daily routine or something until I read your next sentence. You can try "I often write without a definite flow/theme" or something of that sort.]: One day I may write about a trip to Greece, the next day about where my love for math comes from (in case you're wondering, it comes from a box full of stones).
- Yellow: Upon seeing this color, you may scream: "What? Another Asian stereotype and math craziness?" [Um, I don't really get your point here. Why is yellow supposed to be connected to being Asian and loving math? I'm Asian and I love math, but I never liked yellow, LOL. Try clarifying this or eliminate it altogether.] Don't worry. True, there are times I need to be recluse to solve complicated math problems. But usually, you'll see me doing math with a box full of cards, dices and chess pieces. Is that math at all? Yes, it's the so-called Discrete Mathematics, the one that will help you decide when to bet on casino or how to schedule your hectic life. I enjoy doing such math and always eager to demonstrate my fruits to others, so consider yourself lucky to be my first audience at Stanford. ["First audience" implies you've never showed your "fruits" to others, which contradicts your earlier statement. So add "at Stanford" to imply that she'll be the first audience at university.].
[This is a really nice paragraph, but I don't get why yellow is connected with everything you mentioned here. I can understand black, white and blue, but not yellow. It seems kind of forced.]
Is my life limited in just four colors? I hope not. I'm waiting for your note to intensify the diversity of our room's spectrum. See you in Stanford! [Okay, I LOVE your conclusion. It's natural and ends the letter on a charming note.]
Your introduction is weak, but the conclusion is really great. Perhaps if you improve the intro, you can have a greater impact.
Overall, I think this is a very unique essay. I love your idea of describing yourself in colours, very creative. You are a strong writer; just tweak the essay here and there, and you'll be a stronger candidate as well :) Of course, the corrections I made are my own opinion; you may disagree with them, but I do suggest to let your English teacher read it over; she might be able to verify my suggestions. Good luck, I hope you get in!
