This essay is a bit too long. It is way over the 500 word limit, so if there is any way to shorten it please let me know. Does the essay focus enough on my ability to contribute to UF, or should I provide more support for that? Thanks!
Prompt: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
My palms became moist and my foot tapped the floor in my usual anxious habit. I was nervous, but I had chosen to be there. Not long after I took my seat, a Hispanic woman was directed to my table. She was dressed in old clothing and her shoes were worn and dirty. I could see the effects of stress and poverty in her appearance. She maintained bags beneath her eyes from too many sleepless nights, worrying about her kids and whether she could provide for them. She held her head low in a silent statement of shame. She seemed unsure of herself, a feeling that was mutual between us. She was afraid that she did not know enough English to communicate coherently; she was worried that I might misunderstand. I was also worried for the same reasons. However, I knew some Spanish and I resolved to do everything I could to help her. I was cognizant of her discomfort, so I greeted her in Spanish with an amiable smile. All of a sudden, her face lit up with an expression of surprise and relief. She immediately spoke a few more words in her language with the most hopeful countenance I had seen all day. Though I could not comprehend every word, I realized that I could make a difference in her life.
That was the first time I had the opportunity to apply my knowledge of Spanish to benefit someone else and it was one of the most amazing things I have ever done. I was one of several volunteers at the Salvation Army who chose to help the many underprivileged workers in the community. It was just a couple months before Christmas and these parents were contemplating how they were going to tell their children they could not afford to give them gifts. I was there to tell them that their children would get gifts, and I would have a hand in making it possible.
The experience was enlightening. I learned the value of volunteering, and though I did not take home anything tangible, I took home the feeling of accomplishment. Since then, I have decided to reach out to help other underprivileged people in my community. I have put it upon myself to begin an after school program in correlation with my senior project to help young children of poor families learn dance as a vehicle for self-expression. I also learned the value of communication. At first I was apprehensive; I did not know if I would be able to understand her. However, I discovered that my lack of fluency was eclipsed by my determination. Communicating with someone in a foreign language seemed difficult on the surface, but I decided to step in and overcome the barrier. When I became immersed in the project, my fears sank away and I realized it was not beyond my capabilities.
But perhaps the most incredible aspect was that I was able to use my education to help others. I applied what I learned in the classroom to a real life situation and felt the satisfaction of knowing I made a difference. Children would be able to wake up on Christmas morning to find a gift waiting for them because I wanted to help. I did not win any awards, but I left feeling rewarded. I did it merely for the sake of improving the lives of people I barely knew. This desire to serve others in my community will invariably be demonstrated on campus at the University of Florida. I aspire to continue my education and use my talents to bring hope to people in need.
She was dressed in old clothing and [....] realized that I could make a difference in her life.
^ This part is a little lengthy. I don't think that your introduction of the woman should take up half of your essay.
I would emphasize how this experience helped you realize that communication barriers can be broken and how you've become more social and self confident in your service to others. I don't particularly see the connection between your service to others and your contribution to the university. Maybe you should add a little detail there.
I liked the introduction and I think that you need to keep that pace going with the rest of your essay. Instead of stating the experience and then reviewing it afterwards, you could probably fuse the two parts with more progression and storytelling. At each stage of the experience, what did you take from it at that particular moment.
