Unanswered [8] / Featured [0] / URGENT [0]   

    help     or  

Essay Forum / Undergraduate Essays /      

Climbing, clouds, rocks: Describe an activity, experience, achievement in your life



kbodThreads: 1
Posts: 2
   
Sep 28, 2010, 07:44pm   #1
Hi, I'm hoping you can take a minute to review my essay for undergrad freshman acceptance. I'm a bit eclectic and I'm not sure if this is the type of essay an admissions committee is looking for, anyone and everyone's help is greatly appreciated....


Describe an activity, interest, experience, or achievement in your life (this could be a book, movie, or an activity or experience at work, home, or school) that has been particularly meaningful to you.

I am couchant atop a boulder larger than the modern la-z boy chair. Fourteen thousand five hundred and twenty eight feet above sea level. We call this elevation, "silver fang of death." I guess you could say I felt like somewhat of a care bear, above these clouds. My knees torn until the blood dried cold. Lungs punished from altitude. Frostbite numbed my traveled feet. A wool hat bitterly warmed my unfelt ears. In addition, an ache with exponential explanation felt at the final accomplishment and destination. This is it.

That gut wrenching feeling of meaning, purpose, and triumph has finally been taught to me, by me, through experience. I had never seen something so wonderfully scattered, and yet with such significance and meaning. The clouds, rugged rocks, rivers flowing wildly and even the people next to me with the "awe" in their eyes. My admiration and deep felt love and gratitude for those with me is unspeakable and inspiring.

To rely on someone is great trust. To trust someone is what hurts when things go wrong with reliance. While climbing this mountain last year, we all learned that with trust comes immediate reliance. Without question. It is a lesson learned in so many ways, but this was the ultimate teaching environment, our lives literally depended on our faith in each other. We all took the time to experience this journey and the love, faith, and trust that grew from it, and no one man was left behind.

We all know love. Or we all try to figure out what love is throughout our different phases in life. This experience poured me a heavy dose of love and gratitude. Given the opportunity, others love back. Especially when doing something that's not only physically painful, but, mentally as well.

Climbing gave me the opportunity to learn through numbness and pain about the dramatic influences surrounding me, from both the people and the natural environment. I personally connect with what is good and what is real during such adventures. Trust me when I say, love and beauty is at the top.



GnuThreads: 2
Posts: 10
   
Sep 29, 2010, 12:14am   #2
I am couchant atop a boulder larger than the modern la-z boy chair. Fourteen thousand five hundred and twenty eight feet above sea level (Fragment). We call this elevation, "silver fang of death." I guess you could say I felt like somewhat of a care bear???, above these clouds. My knees torn (tear?) until the blood dried cold. Lungs punished from altitude (Fragment). Frostbite numbed my traveled feet. A wool hat bitterly warmed my unfelt ears. In addition, an ache with exponential explanation felt??? at the final accomplishment and destination. This is it.

That gut wrenching feeling of meaning, purpose, and triumph has finally been taught to me, by me (passive voice = bad), through experience. I had never seen something so wonderfully scattered, and yet with such significance and meaning. The clouds, rugged rocks, rivers flowing wildly and even the people next to me with the "awe" in their eyes. My admiration and deep felt love and gratitude for those with me is unspeakable and inspiring.

To rely on someone is great trust. To trust someone is what hurts when things go wrong with reliance. While climbing this mountain last year, we (who is we?)all learned that with trust comes immediate reliance. Without question. It is a lesson learned in so many ways, but this was the ultimate teaching environment, our lives literally depended on our faith in each other. We all took the time to experience this journey and the love, faith, and trust that grew from it, and no one man was left behind.

We all know love. Or we all try to figure out what love is throughout our different phases in life. This experience poured me a heavy dose of love and gratitude. Given the opportunity, others love back. Especially when doing something that's not only physically painful, but, mentally as well.

Climbing gave me the opportunity to learn through numbness and pain about the dramatic influences surrounding me, from both the people and the natural environment. I personally connect with what is good and what is real during such adventures. Trust me when I say, love and beauty is at the top. (make a more clear connection between rock-climbing and love)


kbodThreads: 1
Posts: 2
   
Sep 29, 2010, 06:55am   #3
Thanks so much for your reply. On the part regarding passive voice, how else can I word that better without losing the impact I'm trying to get?


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Oct 2, 2010, 10:50am   #4
kbod:
On the part regarding passive voice, how else can I word that better without losing the impact I'm trying to get?

Through experience, I have learned that gut wrenching feeling of meaning, purpose, and triumph.

To rely on someone is great trust.---- too simple. What are you really trying to say here...? Let's give this paragraph a worthy topic sentence.

I think your intro is great, very intriguing. I have never seen the word couchant used before! Thanks for enriching my vocab! :-)

At the end, you can turn climbing into a metaphor for your educational process, and make a connection so that you can discuss climbing toward a particular career goal.




Essay Forum / Undergraduate Essays / Unanswered [this forum] / Featured / Similar

Similar discussions:


Random: hard work vs luck - become the person what you are trying to be, not by the luck


This thread has been closed.

Home - Search - About Us - Faq - EF Contributors - Contact Us

Copyright © 2006-2014 EssayForum.com  Disclaimer, Privacy Policy, TOS  EssayForum RSS