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Choosing college similiar to choosing girlfriend??



PRipprThreads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: Jason Kepner
   
Nov 18, 2009, 11:06pm   #1
Looking for any ideas to add or critiques.
I'm trying to answer why I choose UCF and what to I have to offer UCF/community. Thanks Guys!


Choosing which college to attend is like finding the right girlfriend. I do not really know if it was a good decision until a few months down the road. While I loved my time at DeVry, the one on one attention, small class sizes, and small campus; It is time to move on. Now I would like to take advantage of the unique opportunities at UCF. Transferring to UCF would allow me to advance my knowledge of computer engineering to a whole new level. Allowing me to really reach my maximum potential by learning from the world class professors and curriculum. Additionally UCF comes highly recommended from my sister who currently attends and numerous professors.

I have always been fascinated by success stories, people like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates; So I strive to emulate the qualities these types of people possess. In the future, working as a professional, I want to be a role model that aspiring young people look up to for inspiration. I believe this can be accomplished best by finishing my education at UCF. After all , being the type of person who thrives on challenges, I would love to apply what I have learned in school to help evolve the exciting world of computer engineering.



calderonThreads: 4
Posts: 12
Author: Arjun Kudva
   
Nov 19, 2009, 01:31am   #2
PRippr:
Choosing which college to attend is like finding the right girlfriend.


I don't thinks that this should be your first sentence. You might come across as a shallow and inconsiderate person (which you probably are not).

PRippr:
I do not really know if it was a good decision until a few months down the road.


This sentence seems to contradict your essay as you go on to explain why you think UCF is the right college for you (even though you have not attended it yet!).

PRippr:
Additionally UCF comes highly recommended from my sister who currently attends and numerous professors.


This sentence doesn't make sense. Several people will recommend this college but you should try and explain why UCF is the right college for YOU, not for your sister or anyone else.


PRipprThreads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: Jason Kepner
   
Nov 19, 2009, 02:26am   #3
You are right the introduction might not give a good first impression. I'll scrap it if I can come up with something better. Also it seems I wasn't clear enough with the second sentence. I will add some more and edit the weak parts so it flows better. Thanks for the input.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,155
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Nov 21, 2009, 02:24pm   #4
Well, you have to refer back to the girlfriend thing at the end if you want to do it this way. That is the way to give it closure, tie up the loose end, come full circle. I also think you need to develop the simile a little better -- give more details about the ways it is like choosing a girlfriend.

And actually, there is something inherently sexist about talking about "choosing a girlfriend." As if you get to decide, and the girls are all just hoping to get chosen! :-) Maybe you should be gender inclusive and write "girlfriend or boyfriend."




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