I'm in the process of editing an essay for my college application. I just want to be sure that I'm answering the question and I would appreciate any other kind of help with my writing. There is a 500 word limit on the essay. Thanks!
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Our planet is home to approximately 19 billion chickens at any point in time. My family is responsible for 22,800 of those chickens every year. The time, work, and effort that my family and I have put into our business has given me an experience that I believe few will ever be able to fathom. The lessons that I have learned working on my family's chicken houses have proven to be invaluable.
My family came into the possession of the farm during my eighth grade year, when my father decided to resign from his previous occupation and invest in the chicken business. On November 21, 2008 my father signed the necessary forms and we became the proud owners of Aguirre Farms. My life was drastically changed. I found myself spending my summer days running conveyor belts, cleaning eggs that were covered in chicken feces, and walking the chicken houses picking up dead chickens.
Our 22,800 chickens reside in two chicken houses. A 'house' is an enormous chicken coop that can accommodate 11,000 chickens and 400 roosters. The chickens lay their eggs in special nests that deposit the eggs onto a conveyer belt. Every day, the belts must be ran throughout their whole course a minimum of three times. In addition, the houses must be walked daily to remove any of the deceased chickens. This by itself has proven to be the most disgusting thing I have ever done. On one memorable day, I remember yanking on the leg of a chicken that seemed to have been dead for a while. The chicken's entire leg broke away from its body. There are no sufficient words to describe the appalling stench of rotten meat mixed with the sharp bite of ammonia and feces in the air.
I hated the work that I was being forced to do. I felt that there was no value I could gain out of working in the chicken farms. However, as time passed, I became accustomed to working at the chicken farm, going to school, and participating in my multiple extra-curricular activities, and I realized that my work in the farm had taught me several important things. Complaining about unfavorable situations would do me no good. I now strive to push myself to change whatever it is that I believe should be different. Working on the chicken farms has also shown me that I am capable of accomplishing anything I set my mind to. Because of this, I find myself aspiring to achieving great things, knowing that I have the capability to accomplish them. My family's business has not only taught me the value of a great work ethic, it has also taught me that in order to attain what you want, one must sacrifice their time and effort. Embracing these ideas, I look forward to the future and the trials that it will bring because I have ultimately learned that a challenge is, in reality, a lesson in disguise.
I really liked your beginning but I feel as if you went on too long about the chicken business as opposed to how it affected you. It was as though you were tight on words and rushed the ending. I suggest trying to include some of your EC's to provide further evidence on the effect the chicken business had/has on your life.
Here's the revision..Does it seem better? Thanks for you're help! Word count is 497.
Our planet is home to approximately 19 billion chickens at any point in time. My family is responsible for 22,800 of those chickens every year. The time, work, and effort that my family and I have put into our business has given me an experience that I believe few will ever be able to fathom. The lessons that I have learned working on my family's chicken houses have proven to be invaluable.
My family came into the possession of the farm during my eighth grade year, when my father decided to resign from his previous occupation and invest in the chicken business. On November 21, 2008 my father signed the necessary forms and we became the proud owners of Aguirre Farms. My life was drastically changed. I found myself spending my summer days running conveyor belts, cleaning eggs that were covered in chicken feces, and walking the chicken houses picking up dead chickens.
I hated the work that I was being forced to do. I felt that there was no value I could gain out of working in my family's chicken farm. The work hours were long and of course, chickens don't understand the concept of holidays or vacations; there were no breaks. My life had completely changed and I thought it was for the worse. However, as time passed, I became accustomed to working at the chicken farm, going to school, and participating in my multiple extra-curricular activities, and I realized that my work in the farm had taught me several important things. I finally learned how to manage my time wisely while balancing the many activities in my life.
While working in the chicken houses I learned that complaining about unfavorable situations would do me no good. As President of the my high school FBLA chapter, Student Council member and officer, and Co-Editor of the PHS Wolf-Trail yearbook, I've learned to actively push myself to change whatever it is that I believe should be different. This lesson and its application have made me a better and more capable leader at my school. Working on the chicken farms has also shown me that I am capable of accomplishing anything I set my mind to. Without that mindset, I would have never attempted to apply to the Minority Introduction to Engineering and Science, a rigorous six-week residential program at MIT; a program that I gladly participated in the summer of 2012. I find myself aspiring to achieving great things, knowing that I have the capability to accomplish them.
My family's business taught me several things. I've learned the value of a great work ethic. I've realized that in order to attain what you want, one must sacrifice their time and effort. I have learned how to achieve balance, become a better leader, and I've gained confidence. Embracing these ideas, I look forward to the future and the trials that it will bring because I have ultimately learned that a challenge is, in reality, a lesson in disguise.
I must say it is better but I felt the fourth paragraph was kind of hard to read through, with no real flow. I suggest you remove one of the EC's you mentioned as it felt like you were bragging when I had to read through all three. You also have to keep in mind that they know your resume so try to list only the ones that have a real connection to the values you were taught in your chicken farm. This allows you to talk more about how these values made you become the president of your high school's FLBA chapter. I also want to advise you to not worry about the word count too much as I feel as though it's constricting you, my personal statement was 600 words and I already got accepted into a really good university. All you have to do is make sure that there aren't any insignificant sentences in there and makes sure every word counts if you want to exceed the word limit. With mine, I felt as though if I removed one word the whole essay would collapse, so if you exceed the word limit by around 50 words and they are all necessary then so be it.
Thank you so much for all of your help! I really am truly grateful. Good luck with your college applications and congratulations on your acceptance. :)
Just one last question, what would you suggest as a title? I'm kind of lost on what could be a good title..Thanks again!
