Hi, I was wondering if you could read this through for me and just edit it. I was having a lot of trouble with the small grammer issues like commas and stuff and would appreciate it if you could go through and esp check for those. I was also wondering if you think this is an overall good response to the prompt or if i should re-think my topic. Thanks
Prompt: Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?
As I lay in bed cramming for the next day's test, I heard the phone ring. It was one o'clock AM and far too late for anyone to be calling my house, but as thoughts raced through my head only one thought prevailed, someone had died. Just one week earlier, we had received the same call notifying us that my aunt in India had died in a car accident. As I waited and listened for my parents to answer the phone my stomach was overcome with butterflies, and I sat up and listened for any news. Moments later, I heard the lights in the hall turn on and my dad walked to my room to break the news that changed my life forever; my grandfather had just experienced a massive heart attack and was close to dying.
After a few minutes of me laying in bed and trying to comprehend what I had just discovered, my dad told me that he and my mother were taking the next flight to Chicago. After my parents left, I woke my sister and told her the news. We sat and talked for a few minutes before we also decided to try to get tickets. Once we got to the airport, we found that it was impossible to get tickets until the next day so we began driving at three o' clock in the morning and made it to Chicago by nine o' clock the following day.
Once we got to Chicago, my grandfather had already passed away. We went to see him at the hospital and with all the emotions I could not contain myself and broke down. The person who had raised me and taught me to never give up lay in front of me, cold and helpless. Once I regained my composure, I was asked by my father and uncles to give a speech at my grandfather's funeral.
For weeks after the funeral, I could not concentrate on anything to do with education. I could not stand to look at my college applications any longer because they only reminded me of my grandfather, and how he had stood alongside me to help me pursue the educational opportunity he once sought for himself. Soon my grades dropped and my teachers and peers started to notice and asked me if there was anything they could do. At first, I moped around and did nothing, but after reading the speech I gave at his funeral, I realized that there was no point in sulking around and giving up the dream that my grandfather and I had. It was too late for me to change my trimester grades but college still had a chance and I started full force on my college applications.
By experiencing the traumatizing effects of losing a loved one, I became more relentless in the pursuit of my hopes and dreams of going to the best college. I believe that from this event I have become a stronger person, and when I experience a most unfortunate event as this in the future, I will be better prepared to handle the situation, as those who were so strong for me.
I think your experience was traumatic. And the essay certainly explained how you would be better prepared in the future for a similar situation. I am not sure, however, that you described how this was a "set back". There were no details describing how this traumatic event prevented you from accomplishing something or finishing something. If anything, you described how the event helped you.
I think this event surely did serve as a set back somehow in your life. Maybe you failed a class or didn't do as well. Maybe it delayed your entry into the "dream college", but your paper did not illustrate any such setback but rather, a very sad moment in your life.
An example would be the traumatic event I had when my daughter had an extended stay in the hospital. My setbacks included losing time at work, and having to skip a semester of school. I resolved the setback(s) by finding work I could do while sitting next to her in a hospital room, by working extra hours when I would come home and by contacting my school to see if there was anything I could do....you get the picture??
alright i revised it to include a paragraph about all that stuff and i was wondering if you could read this one instead of the first one same things with this one just check grammer commas etc. and let me know what you think of the piece as a whole. thanks.
everything is basically the same except the second to last paragraph thats the one i added so if you already proof read the first essay could you just proofread that one paragapah thanks.
I think that's what it needed. You explained your "setback"
My advice would be that you talk less about the setback itself and more about how you learned from it. Because college essays are supposed to highlight YOU, where your test scores and other information did not, this is your one chance to show the admissions officers who you are as a person.
Your essay successfully talked about the event, but how it in turn affected you was only the last few lines. I think it would give the best impression if you altered your essay to include more about how you grew from this, and how it made you who you are today, so the college can get a picture of that.
