I need help editing this essay. The conclusion especially needs work.
Recount an incident where you experienced failure and what lessons you learned..
As I opened the locker door, my mind filled with ecstasy as I imagined the smooth and creamy Hershey Kisses melting on my tongue before they had even entered my mouth. After the four of us had plundered through every eighth grade locker, we were overjoyed that we had collected over 200 Hershey of these chocolate confections. Each locker was left barren of the miniature pyramids and only the heart shaped construction papers with "Happy Valentines Day, from Rio" written on them were left behind.
We all laughed together as, one by one, we each plopped a Hershey kiss into our mouths. However, our satisfaction would come to an end, and I would soon come to find out that the mission we had carried out was bittersweet.
The following day, I sat in Home Economics class trying to find my height on a chart and see the corresponding body weight to determine my BMI, when my teacher abruptly called for my name. "Roscon, the front office would like to see you," Mrs. Butcher said right after hanging up the class telephone.
Initially, I was excited to head over to the front office, mostly because the only time I got called up there was to get the food or money my parents had dropped off for me. As I stood patiently waiting for my parents to come, Mr. Shepard, the school principal, popped open his door and gestured me with his index finger to come into his office. My parents were not coming. I stepped into Mr. Shepard's dark and ominous office and I saw Rio standing slouched next to the desk looking down at the floor. Immediately, Mr. Shepard had asked me if I was aware of why I had been called into his office. I had no doubt in my mind it was because of the incident that occurred the previous day. I remained silent as I felt like a lone criminal, nervously standing with such close proximity of the Judge and The Innocent. Shortly after, Mike, Dylan and James entered the office. As Mr. Shepard replayed the surveillance tape of us rummaging through all the lockers, my body stood rooted to the ground, frightened of the punishments that were to come.
"What you four have done is very upsetting and I'm very disappointed in you boys. Someone had worked so hard to put together something nice for the students and you boys took that away from everyone..." As Mr. Shepard went on about our misdemeanors and consequences, I could not stop fixating upon that one word, disappointed!
Certainly I was ashamed, but what had subdued me was when I had imagined myself in Rio's shoes for a moment. I asked myself how I would have felt if I had done the same exact thing, to have worked painstakingly towards something only to have all that effort and work be taken away by someone else. I understood how Rio felt at that moment and I could not help but feel awful for what I had committed. My eyes which previously could not bring themselves to meet with Rio all of a sudden did, and I apologized in all sincerity.
Until those circumstances, I had not realized how important it was to be able to step in the other person's shoes to gain a better understanding of the other. When I empathized myself with Rio's mindset, I became more cognizant of his feelings, and it gave me better insight and mutual respect towards him. I certainly learned my lesson after the "chocolate invasion", but with that lesson also came a new method of communication, which has encouraged me to think critically of others. So, instead of jumping ahead with any interaction, I invite you to let go of your own preconceived ideas about someone and consider what its like in their shoes.
I personally do not find anything wrong with your conclusion, I really liked your essay it was heartfelt and it was something everyone can relate to in a way. Keep up the good work! :) I just came up with something, maybe end it off with "what its like in their shoes, before devouring the velvety chocolate." I hope that helped!
As I opened the locker door, my mind filled with ecstasy as I imagined the smooth and creamy Hershey Kisses melting on my tongue before they had even entered my mouth.
As I opened the locker door, my mind filled with ecstasy as I imagined the smooth sensation when creamy Hershey Kisses melting down on my tongue even before they entered my mouth.Each locker was left barren of the miniature pyramids and only the heart shaped construction papers with "Happy Valentines Day, from Rio" written on them were left behind.
I feel this sentence is a bit too crowded with too many words ... I wish you rephrased it to enhance its effect.
