I wrote an essay for the Gates Millennium scholarship and the prompt asked to talk about an unfair experience in your life. I had someone read my essay, and he said it was a little overwhelming and not that dramatic. Can someone read it and tell me if they agree? I don't remember much unfair experiences in my life and I feel that talking about a racist unfair experience in my life will be the same as a majority of the African Americans applying for the scholarship and I want mines to be different.
"No, you can't play basketball with us." When I heard these words, numerous reasons for why I could not play basketball with my cousin and brother raced through my mind. I was 13 at the time and thought maybe they did not want to see me fall and get hurt or perhaps they only wanted to play a game of one on one. However, the real reason for why my cousin told me I could not play with them was unexpected and shocking. He told me it was because I was a girl.
Within my family, I was barely exposed to gender discrimination. My brothers and I had no problem playing video games together or gathering to watch a wrestling match on television. I basically engaged in activities generally characterized as being for boys and my family saw no problem with this. So, I could not help but feel offended when my cousin told me that by being a girl I was not able to play basketball. It was not fair that my brother saw no harm in me playing basketball, but my cousin saw my gender as an excuse for inability of playing a sport. I wanted to scream back at my cousin that I was good at basketball and to give me a chance, but knew my words would just be a fruitless attempt in changing in mind, especially when his focus was solely on the basketball game he was playing. So instead, I chose to ignore his comment. However, I still could not stop the raging emotions that boiled inside me because I wanted so desperately to prove my cousin wrong and show him that girls could play sports just as well as boys. At the end of the day, I realized if he was not going to listen to what I said, then I was just going to have to show him.
So, for the next few days during the summer, I decided to practice playing basketball on my own time. Each day, I spent a few hours outside my house practicing my jump shots and dribbling skills. I was determined to get better and show my cousin that being a girl did not mean I was inept in playing basketball and that he should reconsider what he said to me. When he finally came over again to play basketball with my brothers, I quickly put on my sneakers, got my basketball and ran to meet them outside. When I got outside, I dribbled the ball down to the basketball hoop to shoot the ball. Unfortunately, the ball missed the basket. I turned around to see my cousin smirking and could imagine him saying in his head "I told you girls couldn't play basketball." I ignored him and ran to retrieve my ball. When I got back to the basketball hoop, I took a deep breath and took another shot. This time, the ball went in. I smiled a little, took another shot and it went in again. I took about 3 more shots and each time the ball went into the basket. Eventually my cousin said to me "I guess I was wrong, you really are good." I could not stop the big smile that spread across my face once he said these words. He no longer thought I was incapable of playing basketball and I was able to prove my point that girls could play basketball just as well as boys. Now, I usually play sports with my cousins for fun and they know that even if I am girl, I am still competitive.
Even though I found my cousin's comment wrong, he helped me realize that women are still experiencing an ongoing fight in breaking the stereotype that they unable to play sports. Also, I know that there are still people in society who will treat women unfairly because of their gender, but I learned that is important to never accept this injustice from anyone. Today, anytime a person doubts my ability because I am a girl; instead of responding with anger, I always make the initiative to prove them wrong.
You don't necessarily have to change your subject, but this essay needs to be rewritten.
1. Identify the unfair experience.
2. Discuss what MADE the experience unfair.
3. Discuss how it changed you for the better.
Don't overuse the word "unfair."
When i read this, I ask myself two things.
1. Did you really care or are you bsing this essay?
The way the essay is currently written does not portray the anger you said you felt when you cousin discriminated you. It seem sort of insincere and lack a bit of emotion and gives the impression that this was not a situation that really affected you.
2. Did you write this essay last minute?
The reason i ask myself this is because the essay sounds a bit "choppy" if you will. try to add more transitional phrases and blend your ideas together in a more enthusiastic / expressive / scholarly manner. For example:
I wanted to scream back at my cousin that I was good at basketball and to give me a chance, but knew my words would just be a fruitless attempt in changing in mind, especially when his focus was solely on the basketball game he was playing. So instead, I chose to ignore his comment. However, I still could not stop the raging emotions that boiled inside me because I wanted so desperately to prove my cousin wrong and show him that girls could play sports just as well as boys. At the end of the day, I realized if he was not going to listen to what I said, then I was just going to have to show him.
to
I was tempted to scream. How could he think that my gender was the only thing stopping me from being a good basketball player? I knew my words would be a fruitless attempt to change his mind so i chose to stay quiet, but i could not help the rage and frustration was bottling inside of me uncontrollably....
