This is my final Stanford essay. YES! Please edit it as much as you'd like, any comments are appreciated! The essay is exactly 1800 words and I am pasting it here as one big block of words because I did not have enough characters left over to add paragraph breaks [since spaces count as characters].
Dear Roommate,
I am thrilled to begin my college experience with you, and I am sure you have been anticipating your first day at Stanford as well. I enjoy meeting new people and sharing in their cultures, so I cannot wait to get to know you. I am an extremely active person who believes that idle time is wasted time; my life is a blur of motion and I prefer it that way. I do make time to slow down, usually by getting lost in a novel and a fuzzy blanket, but I dislike remaining stationary. My life revolves around music and sports, pastimes that consume most of my energy. I like to think that music is an audible expression of the soul, and I appreciate anything from classical to techno. I have played the piano for 12 years and the flute for 8, and frankly, music is my therapy. Little else helps me sort out my emotions like the melodies I weave from the ivory keys; music allows me to free myself. I also play lacrosse; nothing matches my active spirit like the rush of wind and adrenaline that comes from sprinting down the field, ball in crosse, dodging around defenders as I make my way towards the goal. I enjoy the quick pace of the game and the challenge it presents, as well as its slightly aggressive nature. In addition to my physical vigor, my mind is constantly spinning, bouncing thought upon thought like the inside of a pinball machine. I enjoy the quirky intellectual moments that pepper my day, like discussing political issues over a steamy macchiato or pointing out constellations from the hood of a car. The simplest encounters can provoke the deepest contemplations, and anything can provide the inspiration for a brand new thought. I am sure I have much to learn from you as we embark on the rest of our lives here at Stanford, and I cannot wait to begin our friendship.
It's perfect! You are a great writer. I suggest typing twelve instead of 12 and eight instead of 8.
The last sentence could be improved:
I am sure I have much to learn from you as we embark on the rest of our process here at Stanford, and I cannot wait to begin our friendship.
How about that? I don't know if you can "embark" on the "rest of your lives."
That is no big deal, though, you write very well. I like what you said about music as an expression of the soul.
thank you, that is quite a compliment! how about "as we embark on our futures here at Stanford"? i think that makes more sense.
i used numbers for 12 and 8 because i ran out of available characters, but if i edit my last sentence, everything fits!
The essay is well-written. It just seems a bit dry. I don't know that it will stand out from all of the other essays. Perhaps, an added anecdote would contribute a great deal to this essay.
I'm not really sure if this essay has an exact prompt, but I really enjoyed it. It helps the reader understand you. I like how you included somethings that people who just looked at you wouldn't know!
i think the essay promt was meant to produce an informal response, so i tried to make my second draft less essay-ish [as emmanikole kinda suggested]. hopefully it has a bit more life now, because the rough draft did seem a bit cliche.
I think the essay is very well-done. If I were your prospective roommate, I'd be very much interested in getting to know you, and I would hope that my own experiences would interest you as well. Maybe you could teach me to appreciate lacrosse, or find things we have in common that we could share.
Your adjective use is just about right, too. Not so many as to confuse, just enough to make pictures in the mind.
