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BYU short essays - what set you apart from other applications



lee337     Jan 5, 2009, 06:38am   #1
Topic: what set you apart from other applications, based on life experiences, personal or family circumstances, obstacles overcome and/or achievement? (200 words or less)

It was my 16th birthday. My mother lost her job, which led me to look for a job to support my family and my studying-oversea dream. And I got a part-time job with Universal Company as a sale-man. However, I soon found that job full of stressful. On busy days, I would have to struggle with choosy customers; and on slow days I would have to stand around all day in the shop. My Boss constantly threatened me with salary cuts. On top of this, I still had to study assiduously and keep up my grades. Sometimes I thought I couldn't put up with the job anymore; but I didn't give up Gradually, I got used to my job; I got satisfaction from pleasing customers; I learned how to handle stress and balance my workload. Eventually, things got better for my family. My mom found a new job and does it well. My life becomes normal again, but things are not exactly the same as they were before. I seemed to become totally different person: more mature and more active. At last, I realize that there's one thing that I maybe stand out: my never-give-up spirit.



A346Threads: 4
Posts: 16
Author: Letian Chen
   
Jan 5, 2009, 08:32am   #2
It was my 16th birthday. My mother lost her job, which led me to look for a job to support my family and my studying-oversea dream (dream of studying overseas). And I got a part-time job with Universal Company as a sale-man (salesman). On busy days, I would have to struggle with choosy (demanding/picky) customers; and on slow days (other days,) I would have to stand around all day in the shop. My Boss constantly threatened me with salary cuts. On top of this, I still had to study assiduously and to keep up my grades. Sometimes I thought I couldn't put up with the job anymore; but I didn't give up (persevered). Gradually, I got used to my job; I got satisfaction from pleasing customers; I learned how to handle stress and balance my workload. Eventually, things got better for my family. My mom found a new job and does it well. My life becomes (became) normal again, but things are not exactly the same as they were before. I seemed to (have) become a totally different person: more mature and more active. At last, I realize that there's one thing that I maybe stand out: my never-give-up spirit. (At last, I realized that the thing that sets me apart is my perserverance.)

I take it that you are Vietnamese? I think the basic structure of the essay is fine, but possibly there might be ways to make the essay slightly more convincing (e.g. use a personal tone?)


lee337     Jan 5, 2009, 08:47am   #3
wow, thank you so much for your help,Letian. I guess you are Chinese, right? and how do you know that I'm Vietnamese? is my English or my essay so bad?


A346Threads: 4
Posts: 16
Author: Letian Chen
   
Jan 5, 2009, 09:35am   #4
You're welcome! Yes, I am Chinese :) I guessed you were Vietnamese because when I went to Ho Chi Minh during Tet last year, I think I remember others with your same first name? I don't know, it just sounds like a very Vietnamese name I guess. :)

Apologies if I sounded a bit harsh on the comments, don't worry, your English isn't so bad, it's just that some of the word choices could be better made. Good luck!


EF_ConstanceThreads: -
Posts: 230
Author: Constance, EssayForum Contributor
   
Jan 5, 2009, 12:27pm   #5
It was my 16th birthday, and my mother lost her job, which required me to look for a job to help support my family and my studying overseas dream. And I got a part-time job with Universal Company as a salesperson; however, I soon found that job full of stressful. On busy days, I would have to struggle with choosy customers; and, on slow days, I would have to stand around all day in the shop. My boss constantly threatened me with a salary cut. On top of this, I still had to study assiduously to keep up my grades. Sometimes, I thought I couldn't put up with the job anymore, but I didn't give up. Gradually, I got accustomed to my job. I got satisfaction from pleasing customers. I learned how to handle stress and balance my workload. Eventually, things got better for my family. My mom found a new job and does it well. My life is normal again, but things are not exactly the same as they were previously. I seemed to become a totally different person: more mature and more active. At last, I realize that there's one thing that I maybe stand out: my "never give up" spirit.


zoomkobeThreads: -
Posts: 3
Author: David Kang
   
Jan 6, 2009, 12:31am   #6
A346 already has helped you correct some of the wording but try to have the essay flow a little more smoothly




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