It was my 16th birthday. My mother lost her job, which led me to look for a job to support my family and my
(dream of studying overseas).
I got a part-time job with Universal Company as a
(salesman). On busy days, I would have to struggle with
and on slow days
(other days,) I would have to stand around all day in the shop. My Boss constantly threatened me with salary cuts. On top of this, I still had to study assiduously
to keep up my grades. Sometimes I thought I couldn't put up with the job anymore; but I
didn't give up
(persevered). Gradually, I got used to my job; I got satisfaction from pleasing customers; I learned how to handle stress and balance my workload. Eventually, things got better for my family. My mom found a new job and does it well. My life
(became) normal again, but things are not exactly the same as they were before. I seemed to (have) become a totally different person: more mature and more active.
At last, I realize that there's one thing that I maybe stand out: my never-give-up spirit.
(At last, I realized that the thing that sets me apart is my perserverance.)
I take it that you are Vietnamese? I think the basic structure of the essay is fine, but possibly there might be ways to make the essay slightly more convincing (e.g. use a personal tone?)