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'busy bakery and catering business' - work extracurricular CommonApp


hanh1109 4 / 6  
Oct 31, 2011   #1
1st rought draft.
please please please just comment on it

My first five days of training was comfortable and easy but before I could take off the training wheels, I was slammed. It was graduation season in my second week of the job, hundreds of cookies were baked, and dozens of sandwiches made and heaps of salad deli was prepared. In the middle of all the hustle and bustle was a 17 year old drowning in her first job. That month and a half of graduation season, I treated is as my initiation to the deceitfully small but busy bakery and catering business my boss Maria ran.

Two months into my job, I learned how to deal with angry customers, stupid mistakes and my almost always stress out boss. Maria was 57 years old with no children and was in the store 18 hours of the day, she was in a dire need of a vacation. She pushed everyone to their limits from how fast they could make a sandwich to how well we take catering orders. She wanted quality work that went above and beyond which is great for customers but stressful for everyone

Looking back to it now, 2 years and three jobs later, working with Maria has given me a memorable experience that has instilled a work ethic that goes above and beyond to what is required. This work ethic is applies to different areas of my life; work, studies and family.
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Nov 2, 2011   #2
My first five days of training was comfortable and easy but before I could take off the training wheels, I was slammed.
First tell the reader you were training at a deli/ bakery business. Then expand on how you felt about being overwhelmed with the workload, I'm sure everyone can relate to your experience.

That month and a half of graduation season, I treated is as my initiation to the deceitfully small but busy bakery and catering business my boss Maria ran.

Not so sure if initiation is the best word you could use here. Also you might want to say "...business run by my boss Maria." Describing Maria a bit in this paragraph is nicely done.

This work ethic is applies to different areas of my life; work, studies and family.
You say "work ethic" twice in the final paragraph. I would make your final sentence less generic, it sounds a little plain.


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