Can I get some opinions, editing, proofreading, anything that you're willing to give? Thanks!
Prompt: Celebrate your nerdy side.
I'm a builder. No, I'm not involved with construction and no, I'm not a body-builder. I build computers. It all began my freshman year when our old Dell desktop computer finally bit the dust. Unable to resist the temptation, I grabbed a screwdriver and began taking that baby apart! After a couple of hours, and with the aid of a few YouTube tutorials, I was looking at the hard drive, motherboard, power supply, RAM, processor, disc drive, and cooling fan of my beloved computer all sitting on the floor, studying the connections, and figuring out how they all work. I was mesmerized by the sheer complexity of the system. There were wires everywhere, and half of them weren't even connected to anything!
The computer geek inside of me would not be satisfied with this. After days of prodding, I finally convinced my dad that instead of just buying a pre-built desktop from Best Buy, I should put it together. I carefully researched all the parts, finding what would give me the best value for the computer. I ordered them and as they arrived one by one, I slowly began the process of putting my computer together. To my surprise, it booted up perfectly on the first try, and has had only a few issues in the three years that I've been using it.
Whenever something goes wrong with my computer, I don't get mad. I get excited for the opportunity to troubleshoot and fix it. It may be a little weird and fairly time consuming, but there's not a chance I would have it any other way. As I sit here and type on this computer that I assembled myself, I hear the weird clicking sound that the fan makes from when I dropped it while walking up the stairs and I smile.
I have been told never to use contractions in formal writing, so I would change that first "I'm a builder" to "I am a builder". This goes for all other contractions in the piece.
I'mI am a builder. No, I'm not involved with construction and no, I'm not a body-builder. I build computers. It all began my freshman year when our old Dell desktop computer finally bit the dust(Though "bit the dust" is a common phrase and most people know what it means, I wouldn't take the chance. I would rephrase it to say "broke", or "died", or something just as unique but more ubiquitous) . Unable to resist the temptation, I grabbed a screwdriver and began taking that baby apart(I like that this shows your personality, but it is still a formal essay, so I would use more formal language) ! After a couple of hours, and with the aid of(not necessarily needed) a few YouTube tutorials, I was looking at the hard drive, motherboard, power supply, RAM, processor, disc drive, and cooling fan of my beloved computer all sitting on the floor, studying the connections, and figuring out how they all work.( the part in green sounds like a run-on) I was mesmerized by the sheer complexity of the system. There were wires everywhere, and half of them weren't even connected to anything!
The computer geek inside of me would not be satisfied with this. After days of prodding, I finally convinced my dad that instead of just buying a pre-built( is pre-built a word? It shows up with a red squiggly line on my PC) desktop from Best Buy, I should put it together (Put what together? Make sure you indicate that you are putting your dead PC back together. Watch out for those hanging pronouns) . I carefully researched all the parts, finding what would give me the best value for the computer. I ordered them and as they arrived one by one, I slowly began the process of putting my computer together. To my surprise, it booted up perfectly on the first try, and has had only a few issues in the three years that I've been using it.
Whenever something goes wrong with my computer, I don't get mad. I get excited for the opportunity to troubleshoot and fix it. It may be a little( just a suggestion here: swap " a little" with "somewhat") weird and fairly time consuming, but I would not have it any other way. As I sit here and type on this computer that I assembled myself, I hear the weird clicking sound that the fan makes from when I dropped it while walking up the stairs and I smile. In my eyes, the ending leaves some to be desired. The end is where you really have to drive the point home that you are a nerd and are proud! I like the reflection aspect, but make the ending a broad celebration of your nerdiness.
Overall, I like it man. I was considering applying to Tufts myself, but ran out of steam lol. Remember, my critiques are all suggestions; take or leave as you see best. I wish you the best of luck!
"To my surprise, it booted up perfectly on the first try, and has had only a few issues in the three years that I've been using it.
Whenever something goes wrong with my computer, I don't get mad. I get excited for the opportunity to troubleshoot and fix it."
This is just a suggestion, but talking about the issues with the computer you built doesn't reflect positively on you
unless you directly connect it with the part about how you get excited to fix the issues that come up.
for example:
"To my surprise, it booted up perfectly on the first try.
and on the rare occasion that a problem comes up, I get excited for the opportunity to troubleshoot and fix it."
@fishes and @ead300 could you please help me with my common app essay? It's titled 'An Unexpected Journey' thank you!
