Prompt:French novelist Anatole France wrote: "An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you do know and what you don't." What don't you know?
I think I need a transition between paragraph 3 and paragraph 4. But I cannot think about a wise one..
Also, I think I need to revise my last paragraph.
Overall, do you guys think it is a good answer? I'm trying to reveal to the admission officer what matters to me the most. I think it can reflects who I am.
Thank you all in advance!! Please be harsh.
On the top of the wardrobe, there was a red sandalwood box. The engraved flowers boomed along its edges; the dragon and phoenix flew and danced on its surface. It was just like in the boudoir of a traditional Shanghai family that this box appeared.
I first saw the box when I was about ten years old. It belonged to my mother and I could not touch it even for once because it was too high to reach. I kept an eye it, praying for that one day mom would let me have a look inside. However, the big day never came. What's more, now I'm tall enough to get to it, but it disappears! I guess it has been locked in somewhere "safe".
What I don't know are the "secrets" in the box, but what I do know is these "secrets" are the memories that matter to mom the most in her life.
I bet one day I will have a box like my mom's too because I hope to hold the moments and things that make up my life, as numerous dots connects a line.
I want my family picture put into the box because Mom and Dad are my "gas station" who always re-energize me when I'm down and give me support no matter what.
I want my Personal Statement that I used to apply for college put into the box because it reflects me when I am seventeen, the age warm like sun lights, sensitive like rains.
I want one of the broken keyboards of my piano put into the box because it contains my love of music, crazy but serious.
I want my future husband's sweater put into the box because it carries the warmth of true love of life.
I want a bundle of my hair which will be cut when I'm about to become a mother put into the box because being a mother is the way being a real woman.
I want the first project I take a leadership in the company put into the box because it proves my growth and the others' approval ï I'm stepping onto the avenue of success.
I want my friends' harsh criticism put into the box because it is my mirror through which I can see myself "naked" with exposed flaws.
I want...
For almost eight years, I do not know what is inside my mother's little box and probably will never know. But I believe I do not need to any more. The box has already made me examine what is important to me, what kind of person I want to be, and what kind of life I desire to live. I want my box will not let me feel remorseful when I open it at the age of 80. Look, I have my life goal now. Be careful you all, I'm on my way, full speed!
Good job!
I first found that question pretty hard to write and i had to choose another one. But your essay is really amazing!
You said that you need a trasition...Hmm..
I do not know whether i am right. But hope it helps!
How about this:
"What I don't know are the "secrets" in the box, but what I do know is these "secrets" are the memories that matter to mom the most in her life.
I bet one day I will have a box like my mom's too because I hope to hold the moments and things that make up my life, as numerous dots connects a line. "
"
changed to
"I don't what the "secrets" my mother hid in the box, but i guess i have had my idears what i will hide if i have the box."
Truly great essay...very unique approach to the prompt. I love the casual yet sophisticated way in which the essay is written.
I personally think the transition between your 3rd and 4th paragraphs is fine.
My only criticism is that the last two sentences seem a bit weak compared to the rest of your essay.
Good luck :D
Good essay!
"I want my box will not let me feel remorseful " Is that bad grammar? lol
And there's a sudden change of tone to personal at the ending, but if that's how you wanted it to sound than I have no further say. I guess some part might be a little redundant. Like "being a mother is the way being a real woman." you could jus say [being a mother is being a real woman.]
but other than that, there's not much more to improve. Hope this helped, thanks for posting! <3
catherineding, thank you for you offer :)
I'll try to revise the transition. Your idea is really good.
My only criticism is that the last two sentences seem a bit weak compared to the rest of your essay.
I think so too... but I cannot think of a better way at that time. I'll try it again. Thanks!
"I want my box will not let me feel remorseful " Is that bad grammar? lol
I guess so. lol~
the change of tone does seem a little bit abrupt... I'll revise it. Thanks!
thank you all.
is it really a good approach?
any criticism is welcomed!!
yahh you're a romantic and a sentimentalist. you want to lead a life without regret. sounds like me when i was younger lol. sry I'm used to texting/myspace so I abbreviate a lot haha. Oi! Bad grammar again here:
"For almost eight years, I do not know" It should be [have not known]
"numerous dots connects" should be [dots connect]
try to proofread the essay for grammar ;) hope for the best <3
tsunami
the abbreviation is fine :) I can understand.
I hate grammar.... I'll try my best to find those silly errors.
Thanks very much! I'm now more confident about this essay.
The essay is a good one, and the comments are very helpful.
Try reading it aloud. You'll hear te errors better then and may know what to change.
