Hi everyone, thank you for taking time to read my supplement for Brandeis University.
The question is: Would you rather be raised by dinosaurs, aliens or robots? Why?
I chose aliens.
I just need some editing on the supplement, and maybe some ideas too?
Thank you very much!!!
The clock hits 6:15 am, I jump out of my bed, conduct my daily morning routine, and yell, "Dad, it's time to go!!" I go through my regular school day and afterwards I engage in after school activities, come straight home, work on homework, eat with my relatives and family, and then go to bed. The idea of being raised my aliens is so appealing in this predictable life I have sometimes. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and instead of rushing off to school, I can do something else, whether it be invent something or conduct all kinds of experiments, or fly around in a huge, complex space shuttle! Aliens are the independent and have a complex mind of their own. They were not made by humans like robots, and they are not solely driven by instinct like dinosaurs. Aliens have also been able to advance themselves personally, unlike robots who are advanced by humans, and dinosaurs who died out. Aliens have been able to deal with all the trouble Earth has caused them. There are hundreds of people who are against aliens, and are doing everything to stop them, yet they continue to advance despite these troubles. And aliens live in space/galaxy! They are exposed to other parts of the universe that I could only dream of. They are able to deal with different gasses, planets, and maybe other life forms. Robots and dinosaurs were only on Earth, and they aren't able to experience these different things that occur in space.
(a) I want to be able to wake up in the morning and instead of rushing off to school, I can do something else, whether it be invent something or conduct all kinds of experiments, or fly around in a huge, complex space shuttle!
--All of those are really vague. You may want to rephrase to say something such as: "Rather than the monotony of my current life, I want to live in the exciting world of aliens. Their supierior technology would allow my daily activities to include experimentation, scientific discover and operating huge space shuttles!"
(b) "Aliens are the independent and have a complex mind of their own."
--"the independent" makes no sense. Also the pronouns make it seem as though they have a collective mind.
(c)"Aliens have also been able to advance themselves personally, unlike robots who are advanced by humans, and dinosaurs who died out"
--Change. Possibly: "Aliens are advanced creatures whose powerful minds have let them achieved wonders as a civilization. Robots are just machines, and the dinosaurs are just beasts"
(d) "There are hundreds of people who are against aliens, and are doing everything to stop them, yet they continue to advance despite these troubles."
-- You should really start this answer out with a premise. Since there aren't real aliens that can be referenced, you need to kinda set the scene with what kind of Aliens you're talking about. Because it's not like we can assume that the aliens are attacking earth without you saying that at the beginning.
(e) "And aliens live in space/galaxy! They are exposed to other parts of the universe that I could only dream of."
--No. No slashed. "Furthermore, aliens inhabit the galaxy. They know the wonders and secrets of the universe that I can only dream of"
(f)"They are able to deal with different gasses, planets, and maybe other life forms."
--See point d. You really need to establish what kind of aliens these are.
Also you should wrap it up more powerfully. You need an overall statement, bringing all your ideas together.
Hope that was helpful xx.
I go through my regular school day and afterwards I engage in after school activities
These words could be more specific and descriptive. In the same amount of words, you can express these ideas but with action verbs and imagery words (Google "imagery words" "list")
Aliens are the independent and have a complex mind of their own.----When you get to this sentence, I am suddenly lost. The stuff you write is very interesting, though! It's just a little too formless and abstract.
So... if it is completely abstract, it is like a creature without a skeleton... just a lot of squishy mess.
:-) I think you should add a few clear, specific sentences so the reader knows the main point of the essay.
