Please help me revise my Williams Supplement essay.
English is not my first language and I need all the advice I can get to revise this essay. Thanks in advance!
Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.
I was born in Taipei, capital and most populated city of Taiwan. Every morning, looking out the fourteenth floor apartment, I could see endless rows of cars on the streets, busy vendors pushing their carts trying to sell to pedestrians, and tall skyscrapers high above our heads. Everywhere we went, the city was bursting with energy and the daily buzz of city life. Taipei filled my childhood with an array of opportunities for growth and development. However, shortly after my eleventh birthday, my family left Taipei behind and headed for a new life in America.
The United States offered a new view as my family settled in rural Riverside County. When I looked out the window, instead of seeing endless rows of cars, I saw a boundless field of oyster mushrooms. The streets full of vendors and pedestrians became goats and horses on nearby farms. To top it all, the familiar view of skyscrapers in my childhood turned to vast seas of farm vegetables and live poultry.
As I incorporated Western education into my life, I also tried to shape my unique Taiwanese American identity. America is socially, politically, and culturally different from Taiwan. Trying to merge the two worlds proved to be as difficult as trying to combine the farm scenery with Taipei's city lights.
I often reflect on what I have seen and experienced going to school and living in an isolated rural world, away from the opportunities offered in large cities. I have promised myself that I would not let the apathy of those around me affect my own passion for learning. I will continue to work hard and challenge myself, so that I could thrive when I return to the outside world after college. Looking beyond the mushroom fields, idle chickens and busy farm workers, I discovered a more peaceful and determined self behind a new window.
This is a good essay! good job! i think it fits the prompt and u cover most of what is necessary. You could also mention why u were not comfortable at a remote place. just say that u werent used to it, or whatever ur reason is. It sounds as if u are disgusted from the country life and the farms and bla bla , it can be offending. even if u are disgusted :P, dont express it.
Good luck!
Hey there, you had a well written essay. Just a few things on tenses. You have to remember what tense to use with each word. Like here:
"Every morning, I would look out of the fourteenth floor apartment, I would see endless rows of cars on the streets, "
You used to look out of the window, so it's already happened. Use "would" instead of "could".
"The streets full of vendors and pedestrians became the goats and horses on nearby farms."
"Trying to merge the two worlds has proved to be as difficult as trying to combine the farm scenery with Taipei's city lights."
Hope I helped. Good luck :D
You can definitely cut out 11 words and adhere to the word count limit.
For example, "tall skyscrapers high above our heads "
Hello my Taiwanese fellow^^
I am from Taichung First Senior High
Now studying in Washington State
I agree with what nc08dkia wrote
Tell more about how you feel about the difference between America and Taiwan
As I incorporated Western education into my life, I also tried to shape my unique Taiwanese American identity. America is socially, politically, and culturally different from Taiwan. Trying to merge the two worlds proved to be as difficult as trying to combine the farm scenery with Taipei's city lights.
Hi :)
It feels good to see my country on your essay.
I wrote about Taiwan and American, too
I think you need to talk more about the culture difference. Like languages, weather, food, tradition..or some conflicts you have
It is really good though :D
Good luck
Thanks everyone! I just sent in my supplement this morning.
I truly appreciate all the feedback I received.
