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'I boldly stood up for my brother' - pepperdine essay


pjw7109 7 / 23  
Jan 5, 2012   #1
GRAMMAR HELP ESPECIALLY APPRECIATED <3

Arriving at the boarding school in West Virginia as a naïve freshman, I instantly turned to an atheist while sitting in the biology class which was all about Charles Darwin. My biology teacher would proclaim, "God is DEAD!" Being only thirteen, I was easily convinced. It was easy to make wrong decisions when I believed in no consequences. When I transferred to Christian school in Alabama, things did not change much. I kept my seat and looked down while other students were praising God during a chapel time. The house situation did not help much. I was living with a pastor who constantly making inappropriate jokes about me. I was not fed regularly. I had to leave once again.

When I first arrived at Oklahoma Christian School in my junior year, Mrs.Marcus, the admission director, delightfully said, "Juwon! I am so glad God has sent you here!" While my face muscle tightened, I still managed to generate a forced smile. However, inside, I was afraid. My new host family barely fed me and my brother. We had cereals for every meal. One day, silent tension exploded when the son accused my brother of stealing and lying. While attempting to block out my brother's sober, I've prayed what I have been praying over past 5 months. "God. If you're there, SHOW YOURSELF"

My story has a happy ending. Something stirred up my heart and I boldly stood up for my brother. We were both kicked out of the house at 11:00 p.m. However, Mrs. Marcus lovingly took us into her house. In midst of these despondent years, I learned few lessons. Mrs. Marcus's unconditional love opened up my heart. Her willingness to invite two teenagers into her house and her devoted attention and love towards us slowly healed two scarred teenagers. Deuteronomy 31:8 helped me to endure each day with hope. It says "the Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Mrs. Marcus helped me to understand that God has a plan for me. I realized that God was never far away from me. I was just too oblivious.

When I am in Pepperdine, I plan to contaminate the whole school with my 'smiley-virus.' Jesus brought back my smile that I've lost. I want to be the person that Jesus can shine through. Being from a Christian school, I was really saddened that I may not have a chapel to go to whenever I go to college. The fact that Pepperdine has active student ministries and chapel enthralled me. By involving myself in various campus ministries and worship services, I want to bring people and myself closer to the Lord. Also, I want to heavily get involved in volunteering. Currently, I have more than 400 hours volunteer service hours. For me, it was not about numbers. It was about underprivileged kids I taught. In Pepperdine, I want to give back the love I've received from Mrs. Marcus and Jesus.
mylo_zyloto 3 / 9  
Jan 5, 2012   #2
Grammar mistakes I noticed/Things I would change:

-should be "became an atheist" instead of "turned to an atheist." Readers might be confused and think you actually turned to an atheist.

-"cereal for every meal" instead of cereals
-"While attempting to block out my brother's sober, I've prayed what I have been praying over past 5 months." This sentence needs to be revised for clarity.

-"God. If you're there, SHOW YOURSELF" Add a period.
-My story has a happy ending. Something stirred up my heart and I boldly stood up for my brother. We were both kicked out of the house at 11:00 p.m. However, Mrs. Marcus lovingly took us into her house. In midst of these despondent years, I learned few lessons. Mrs. Marcus's unconditional love opened up my heart. Her willingness to invite two teenagers into her house and her devoted attention and love towards us slowly healed two scarred teenagers.

I would rearrange these sentences and add a sentence to introduce Mrs. Marcus.
-"Jesus brought back my smile that I've lost." to "Jesus brought back the smile that I'd lost."
-"Also, I want to heavily get involved in volunteering. Currently, I have more than 400 hours volunteer service hours. For me, it was not about numbers. It was about underprivileged kids I taught." I might delete all reference to the amount of hours you've done. It seems insincere even though you say it's not about the hours.

Other than that, great essay!
Good luck!


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