Unanswered [7] / Featured [1] / URGENT [0]   

    help     or  

Essay Forum / Undergraduate Essays /      

"The Biggest Change of My Life" - UF admission, A Senior in High School



subiechickThreads: 1
Posts: 5
Author: Steffi Babbe
   
Jul 4, 2011, 12:44pm   #1
Prompt: Please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience, or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship, or a call to service.



The Biggest Change of My Life

Last year at my high school, I was referred to as "Nebraska." Not that I asked to be called "Nebraska" or that I was a die-hard fan of the state, but because that's where I used to live. I had lived in Nebraska ever since I was a baby. I grew up with the same group of friends and we all attended the same school. As a 16 year old girl who only cared about having her license, moving away from everything and everyone I knew was never a thought that crossed my mind. Moving to Florida was the biggest change of my life.
The first day at my new Florida high school was exciting, and at the same time very nerve wracking. I had written up an imaginary list in my mind of "what ifs". What if they didn't like me? What if I don't find any friends? What if I have no one to sit with at lunch? Would I have to pull a Mean Girls and eat my lunch in the bathroom? Not only did I worry about finding new friends and fitting in, but I also had a new class schedule filled with honors courses to worry about. Luckily, a few curious girls introduced themselves to me and invited me to sit with them at lunch. Soon I was meeting tons of new people and everyone started calling me "Nebraska." I felt relieved that I had made new friends and had started to fit in well. I was doing well in all my classes and I was captain of the swim team. Everything had worked out great, but it wasn't all that easy. It was hard for me to leave me friends in Nebraska behind, friends that knew me the best and friends I could trust. Not only did I leave just school friends behind, but I was a dedicated swimmer and it was difficult to leave my teammates and coaches behind.
Although moving was tough, I'm glad I was blessed with the opportunity to move and meet new people. If nothing else, moving has allowed me to become more mature in various aspects of my life. Through my experiences, I have matured into a young woman who is confident in herself and is not afraid to meet and talk to others. I feel that the person I am now would be a positive addition to the UF campus. With the way I am now, I would be a positive influence towards my peers. I would push them to their best ability and lend a helping hand whenever needed. Aside from the academic qualities I would contribute to the UF campus, I believe my outgoing, but determined personality and deep values I posses would also be a great contribution to the UF campus.



ershad193Threads: 14
Posts: 421
Author: Ershad Hussain
 Likes 1  
Jul 4, 2011, 01:36pm   #2
Hello Nebraska!!

subiechick:
A Senior in High School Needing Help on a UF Admissions Essay

lol. Very catchy thread title despite the apparent simplicity.

It was hard for me to leave my friends in Nebraska behind --- This was probably just a typo...but still....


You write quite well. I feel that you did justice to the "meaningful event, experience...." part, but came up slightly short in the "affecting the college experience..." part. Consider this sentence
subiechick:
I feel that the person I am now would be a positive addition to the UF campus.

After reading this, my question would be, "How?"

From the anecdote you narrated, your best quality seems to be the ability to move on/ adapt to an unfamiliar environment.

So can you mention some ambitions which you want to fulfill in UF, some plans you want to execute, and all throughout helped by your innate qualities?

Haha...I think my last sentence doesn't make much sense. It looks weird.

I guess what you need to do is to be more specific about what you can contribute to the college community. Cut out the vague phrases like "positive influence."

Good luck! Your essay will come out great!


subiechickThreads: 1
Posts: 5
Author: Steffi Babbe
   
Jul 4, 2011, 09:58pm   #3
okay umm how about this?

Although moving was tough, i'm glad I was blessed with the opportunity to move and meet new people. If nothing else, moving has allowed me to become more mature in various aspects of my life. Through my experiences, I have matured into a young woman who is confident in herself and is not afraid to meet and talk to others. Aside from contributing to UF academically, I believe every campus needs that one different person. I truly believe I am that one different person. I know I can be that person who is willing to do what it takes to form a study group or club that does not already exist. I am someone who will stand up for what is right and not just be a follower because it's considered "cool". I'm confident in myself to the point where I know I don't need to change to be accepted by others. I believe my greatest contribution to the UF campus would be sporting how to be confident in yourself, regardless if it's against the social norm.


ershad193Threads: 14
Posts: 421
Author: Ershad Hussain
 Likes 1  
Jul 5, 2011, 09:43am   #4
Definitely, better.

One suggestion: Try not to use contractions in formal writing.


subiechickThreads: 1
Posts: 5
Author: Steffi Babbe
   
Jul 5, 2011, 10:34am   #5
Really? So you think that fulfills what the prompt is asking then?

As for the contractions, do I just change all the I'm, it's, don'ts to I am, it is, do not ?


ershad193Threads: 14
Posts: 421
Author: Ershad Hussain
 Likes 1  
Jul 5, 2011, 11:09am   #6
subiechick:
Really? So you think that fulfills what the prompt is asking then?

Yeah, I think so.
subiechick:
As for the contractions, do I just change all the I'm, it's, don'ts to I am, it is, do not ?

Yep


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Jul 7, 2011, 03:35pm   #7
I always suggest enable instead of allow ... i mean, in this situation:

If nothing else, moving has allowed enabled me to become a more mature in various aspects of my life. ---But I think this sentence is too vague! You can be much more specific with this sentence. In fact, i see that you did get more specific in the next sentence, so let's combine them:

If nothing else, moving has enabled me to become more mature in various aspects of my life. Through my experiences, I have matured mature into a young woman who is confident in herself and is not afraid to meet and talk to others.

Aside from contributing to UF academically, I believe every campus needs that one different person. ----hmmmm. I don't know if this approach is best. Everyone is different. So... being different does not make you different.

I just think "different" is the wrong word. This is about leadership:
I truly believe I am that one different person natural leader. I know I can be that person who is willing to do what it takes to form a study group or club that does not already exist can fill a vital need in the community.

:-) Stay focused on talking about your career aspiration. You choose your career based on the issue that is important to you. The issue that is important to you is what gives you your passion and dedication. So, explain what is important to you, and they will believe that you are motivated and serious.


subiechickThreads: 1
Posts: 5
Author: Steffi Babbe
   
Jul 24, 2011, 08:25pm   #8
Thank you so much for your input, I'm sorry it took so long to reply!

How do I incorporate my career aspiration into my essay without going off topic? I get kind of lost after the first two paragraphs haha, plus I don't want to exceed the word count.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Jul 27, 2011, 11:18am   #9
subiechick:
How do I incorporate my career aspiration into my essay without going off topic?

No matter what the topic is, the way you write about it will reflect your unique aspiration.

In this case, you have to find some connection between the aspiration that is driving you onward in this prgm and the contribution you'll make to the community.

What is the single most important word you could use to express your interest/aspiration? That word can express what you will contribute to the community, too.

:-)


subiechickThreads: 1
Posts: 5
Author: Steffi Babbe
   
Jul 27, 2011, 04:49pm   #10
Okay, here's my last paragraph.


Although moving was tough, I am glad I was blessed with the opportunity to move and meet new people. If nothing else, moving has enabled me to mature into a young woman who is confident in herself and is not afraid to meet and talk to others. Aside from contributing to UF academically, I truly believe I am a natural leader. I know I can be that person who is willing to do what it takes to form a study group or club that can fill a vital need in the campus community. I aspire to be a surgeon and I believe my confidence will contribute to the campus community as well. When I am surrounded by confident, hard working individuals, I feel empowered to give everything my best. I know that showing self confidence will help my UF peers find the confidence within themselves. Moving to Florida has definitely changed my life in various ways. Even though I was scared when I first moved to Florida, I know I have matured into a confident young woman who is ready to embrace the challenges of college and life away from home.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Jul 30, 2011, 04:17pm   #11
subiechick:
Even though I was scared when I first moved to Florida, I know I have matured into a confident young woman who

I think at the end here you are repeating something you already said....

I aspire to be a surgeon, and...

I like the confidence theme!


Mary931Threads: 1
Posts: 9
   
Jul 31, 2011, 11:20pm   #12
I really loved the straightforwardness of your story. Well done and I hope all goes well!

Who knows, I might even meet you one day! :)




Essay Forum / Undergraduate Essays / Unanswered [this forum] / Featured / Similar

Similar discussions:


Random: parents are the best teachers. use specific reasons and examples to support your answer


This thread has been closed.

Home - Search - About Us - Faq - EF Contributors - Contact Us

Copyright © 2006-2014 EssayForum.com  Disclaimer, Privacy Policy, TOS  EssayForum RSS