I want to apply as a post-bacc student to USF. we get 2 pages and the prompt is the usual deal about bettering your community.
The core mission of the University of San Francisco is to promote learning in the Jesuit Catholic tradition so that students acquire the knowledge, skills, values, and sensitivities they need to succeed as persons, professionals, and architects of a more humane and just world.
any help could be appreciated!
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What is between two places
or a bar on two poles
a dance between spaces
or the moment before you enroll?
As far as stories go, you've probably heard them all. Superheroes, hobbits, doctors, divas, and more. You have movie stars, jazz musicians, and straight-A students galore. Personally, Tolkien's were my favorite. Middle Earth was the best! Tales of men, elves, wizards, and dwarves all put to the test. As students our journeys are muddled, moody and quite a mess but these are just chapters of an adventure soon unfolding into success.
"Limbo" is the answer to the riddle. The afterlife, the awful dance, and in my case the period somewhere between graduating, getting rejected from dental school, not finding a job and somehow making my way out of this mess so that I could move on to the next chapter of my story and slay one of the last great dragons of my universe- dental school admissions. I'm getting ahead of my story though and would rather not start at the end. My tale begins with a very very small car and a boy at the ripe old age of ten.
In the town of Vallejo sits a house on Cimarron Drive. It was an ordinary house with beige carpeting, wooden panels, a garage, a roof, and a stove but if anything it was no ordinary home. That house was a Filipino home and that meant parents, grandparents, children, and more. Five families total living in a house made for four. We appreciated what we had because we didn't have much so when my older cousin came home with a toy car we were careful to touch. My parents soon gave me my own toy car to tinker and to hold. I painted, modified, raced and drove until my thirst for creation exceeded what that little toy car could hold. How exciting that was for a ten year old me! As the toy car's motor slowly withered away I got new toys almost every other day. There were legos, plastic models, and cars. My room was literally cluttered with diagrams and model charts. By the eighth grade I made electric motors and lithium-ion battery chargers. In high school I tinkered with electric guitar parts, film camera restoration, and gas RC cars. This was a sign to do what I loved because I enjoyed what I could do. To some they were just toys but to me it was something entirely new. Fine motor skills was my passion. This was a calling to my career. The question was simple but as any college bound student knew, this was a decision to think about through and through.
I'll save you the trouble of how I mulled it out but my future career choice was obvious without a doubt. You see I actually had two homes although only one house. The other was an office owned, run, and operated by none other than my father's spouse. Dentistry was in my blood. It ran through my veins. Filipino tradition is rich in heritage and I wanted to carry the flame.
Here's an easy riddle you can try:
Why would a student in a pre-dental program get rejected from dental school?
I look at my "stats" and my GPA just screams uncompetetive, incompetent, or in my imagination, "you fool!" It's not to say that I did not work at all. I actually accomplished a lot while I was in school. I earned competitive DAT scores, I was an organic chemistry workshop leader, and I was one of the school's event photographers working for student government. The problem was that I didn't take classes seriously. Being in a 3+3 program led me to think I could be ignorant about my academics. By the time I realized my mistake I tried to fix it but it was already too late. I graduated and there is no going back.
Being in limbo isn't as bad as people think and I quite like it better than having to worry about improving my "stats" so that schools could judge my worth. My mom gave me a job at her dental office knowing that I would be a great addition to the staff. The job allows me to be part of the reception staff communicating with patients and processing insurance claims and benefits. The past six months have been a blast! I can't do any hands on dental procedures but it's a good start to work in an actual functioning dental office. This is not where I belong though. I need to be back in school so that I can utilize my skills.
It's obvious that by striving towards dentistry I would like to help the world in one way or another. This, I think, is inherent in the profession. More importantly though I would like to give back to the community that has given so much to me. Vallejo may not be a top tier city but it's a hard working city with dedicated people. As my friends and I have always joked around, "We'll always be Vallejoans. Whatever that entails." I haven't done much in the ways that I would like because that would involve more schooling. This is where the University of San Francisco fits in to my story. Having core relation to Jesuit values the school appears to offer not only great academics but many service opportunities and a very friendly staff. I've communicated with admissions through phone calls and emails and one person in particular, Dr. Spencer, helped show me how to find all the great exciting academic and service opportunities available to students. The school also has a great biology masters program that I would like to apply for in the future. I've been blessed with the gift of time and money and would like to do things right before applying to dental school again. I've learned from my past mistakes.
Prospective dental students are always asking "What can I do to improve my resume?" but what about looking beyond these "stats?" I want to be part of a community, pursue my passion, live in the great city of San Francisco, and for people to know how great a person I am. I want to move on to the next chapter. Taking classes at USF is the next step, whether as a post-baccalaureate student or a visiting student with class restrictions. Like that little toy car thirteen years ago this is my entryway into a world of opportunity. As with that famous Gandalf line that starts The Hobbit, I am looking for a school to share in an adventure with.
First, you get many props for your creativity. The rhymes are a nice touch. In this case, however, I think it will be taken as a gimmick, and your essay will start to seem like you aren't taking the prompt seriously.
Furthermore, the prompt is asking you how you will help the university carry out it mission. That is, what knowledge or skills will you learn at USF, and then, how will you use those things to create a more humane and just world? You write about limbo. You write about how you have developed skills that will make you a good dentist. You write about not having the best grades, and then you write about why you want to go to USF. You didn't really answer the prompt.
Try to find a balance of engaging the reader and answering the question. You got the first part, the harder part, but you're not done yet.
One of my students/clients did this essay a year or two ago. This is the actual prompt the kid gave me:
...you are required to compose a 1-2 page essay about yourself that tells us how you will help the University to carry out its mission :
The core mission of the University of San Francisco is to promote learning in the Jesuit Catholic tradition so that students acquire the knowledge, skills, values, and sensitivities they need to succeed as persons, professionals, and architects of a more humane and just world .
Reread the mission (which is in red above).
You must attend to the blue stuff below:
sensitivities they need to succeed as...architects of a more humane and just world \
Then reread your essay.
As is the case with 90% of these, a rewrite is probably in order.
(I hope that made sense. The software allows only a short time for editing a post.)
