Hey everyone, please help me revise my commonapp essay! Thank you!
A thousand thoughts were running through my mind as i was staring at the imposing building complex on the East Side of Manhattan, New York City. Large flag poles framed the front site of the two large buildings. The colorful fluttering flags caught my attention immediately.
The UN headquarters. A building representing one of today's most important international institutions. It was striking to finally be right in front of the place where so many important meetings have taken place, where so many important people try to change our world for the better.
At that point of time, I didnt know how much closer I was really going to get to the UN during the coming couple of weeks.
Once I returned to Germany, I could not stop thinking about the guided tour I had gone on in order to find out more about the United Nations. My fascination for politics, international relations and the UN evolved throughout the following weeks, as I started to pay particular attention to those articles in the paper concerning the United Nations.
Then, one day, one of my friends told me about MUN, Model United Nations. I was intrigued by the idea of simulating the process of a United Nations conference, and began to do some research. My excitement was soon dampened, as the more research i did the clearer it became how little opportunities to take part in MUN there were in Germany. However, I finally found out that the American High School in Berlin held an annual MUN conference, called BERMUN.
My enthusiasm about BERMUN fascinated my friends and soon a lot of them wanted to take part aswell. I then assembled a team and started to organise our participation. Once all the forms were filled out, the payments made and topics assigned, we started to debate on our topics and prepare our resolutions.
A few weeks later the first day of the conference had finally arrived. The welcome ceremony was impressive, and me and my team soon got to know many people from all over the world. Some came from China, Turkey and the USA.
As the ambassador, I had to give an introductory speech presenting our country's view. We then went into our committees, I went into session with the Human Rights Committee. We debated on organ trade and human trafficking, and soon acquired expertise in these fields. We spent hours lobbying with other delegations, drafted and redrafted resolutions and finally came to a consensus.
At the end of the conference, I was truly amazed by the proccesses within the UN and the importance of international relations in today's society.
Throughout the conference, while talking to my fellow delegates, I found out that a lot of schools had their own MUN club, where they practice debating and prepare for MUN conferences.
Back at school, I got a couple of classmates from my MUN team together and discussed the idea of a MUN club at our school. They agreed that it would be a great idea and i immediately arranged a meeting with our principal. He was happy to let us organise such a club. We then started printing posters and flyers to get more and more students interested. The first MUN club session was a great success and a lot of people joined us.
We now meet regularly once a week, and consist of politically interested students from grades ten to twelve. I am currently organising our participation in BERMUN II, and RCIMUN in Istanbul, Turkey.
But not only my experience in New York City, my participation at BERMUN and the founding of the MUN club at our school have led me to the coclusion to study international relations / international studies.
My interest in International Relations has developed steadily throughout my life, rather than having been ignited by a single event, an experience or even a person. It has developed naturally.
But as I have grown up in a historically unique country such as Germany, as I have enjoyed an international education at a Europe school, as I have studied politics, history and several languages throughout my school career, as I went abroad for an entire year to Australia with 16, weren't the odds just rather high?
Great essay! It shows thoroughly the ability and experience you possess.
But there are a few things I thought you might like to change.
The second sentence uses important three times, and I would use a different word each time so that the word itself does not become banal to the reader.
Also, the last sentence you say, "as I went abroad for an entire year to Atustralia with 16, weren't the odds just rather high?" I think you meant to say that you went to Australia when you were 16. secondly, when you say weren't the odds just rather high? I think this deteriorates the decorum of the anteceded sentences. It does not state clearly what odds were rather high.
Other than that, I believe you succeeded in creating a laconic, precise, and exact essay.
Thank you!
I rephrased the last part:
But as I have grown up in a historically unique country such as Germany, as I have enjoyed an international education at a Europe school, as I have studied politics, history and several languages throughout my school career, as I went abroad for an entire year to Australia at the age of 16, weren't the odds to study interntional relations just rather high?
Is this better? I think the ending still sounds a bit clumsy...
My interest in International Relations has developed steadily throughout my life, rather than having been ignited by a single event, an experience or even a person. It has developed naturally I would add a little more detail about your passion here. Something that shows how you fostered your passion, influences or maybe your future plans?
Lovely essay.
The flow of the essay is good and the last part (rephrased) sounds better.
Good Luck.
