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Balance between my learning prospects and the study environment - Hamilton


cesarh1992 1 / -  
Jan 11, 2010   #1
I have to write a paragraph giving reason why I am applying to Hamilton college. This is what I have so far. Any advice is well-received. Thank you for your help.

I chose Hamilton because I found here a balance between my learning prospects and the study environment. The athletic facilities are great and it was rewarding to find a Tae Kwon Do (my favorite sport) organization sufficiently fortified to appear in the college's website. I hope to find people with the same dedication for Tae Kwon Do that I have. At Hamilton I wish to acquire a strong cultural basis in order to become a well-rounded student. Hamilton's famous "open" curriculum is both a challenge and an opportunity to choose the correct courses to enjoy my stay at the college while learning in one of the most popular and well-respected majors of Hamilton: economics. As an international student, I am aware of the importance of the cultural exchange among the community and I am confident that Hamilton, as a small liberal arts college with a close knit community, will be the perfect environment for it.

Please answer :D
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 18, 2010   #2
This is a compound sentence, so use a comma:
The athletic facilities are great, and it was rewarding to find a Tae Kwon Do (my favorite sport) organization sufficiently fortified to appear in the college's website.

This sentence is so long, and it has some unnecessary/meaningless words: As an international student, I am aware of the importance of the cultural exchange among members of a community and I am confident that Hamilton, as a small liberal arts college with a close knit community, will be the perfect environment for it. Let's find a new way to end this sentence! A meaningful thought to leave them with.

:-)


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