Unanswered [5] / Featured [2] / URGENT [0]   

    help     or  

Essay Forum / Undergraduate Essays /      

Bachelor's degree in Nursing - my background, attitudes, and interest essay

denndj1Threads: 1
Posts: 1
Author: Reziel Dennis
Mar 20, 2009, 04:28pm   #1
2. Discuss background, attitudes, and interest that have convinced you to pursue a bachelor's degree in nursing.

I talked to a childhood friend a few weeks ago. She asked what I was doing with myself these days. I told her that I was applying to a nursing school and that I worked in a hospital. We both giggled when she reminded me of related events long past. She also commented on how I always talked about becoming a nurse when we were kids. A vision that I still hold dear.

Growing up in the Philippines was a difficult experience. Poverty was commonplace. Each day was a struggle. I didn't know anyone who had medical insurance or who could afford a medical service. Whenever anyone contracted a threatening illness, family and friends had to come to their aid. In our town, that was my mother and grandfather. Since my grandfather and I were inseparable, I was always in tow. At first, I helped by transporting and delivering messages and medicines. By the age of 14 however, I had become quite capable. I could be relied upon to effectively care for the sick, deliver babies, clean and bandage wounds and even gather and prepare medicinal herbs from the jungle. I really enjoyed helping people in this way. It is an environment I've always felt most comfortable in. At this point, I knew beyond any doubt what it was that I wanted to do with my life.

After high school, I wanted so much to attend nursing school. Since my parents couldn't afford it however, I settled for business school. It was a far less expensive alternative. To pay for college, I worked nights at a local McDonald's and prepared jewelry, candy and various other food that I put up for sale on campus. Upon graduating, I went to work for Dispo Philippines, a pharmaceutical company. I supervised 12 salesman. We engaged in selling supplies directly to hospitals. Though aware of my vital role in the function of 40 hospitals and clinics, I didn't get a real sense of accomplishment from doing this job. I didn't feel that I was making the right kind of a difference. My interest and my heart were elsewhere.

During my fourth year of employment at Dispo Philippines, I met my husband and relocated to the United States of America. Once here, I obtained a job at a local hospital and immediately began applying to nursing schools. It has been frustrating. I have had problems getting accepted. But because his brother was a doctor, grandfather won't let me quit. He has always wanted me to become a nurse or a doctor and checks with me at least twice a year. My husband, doctors I work with and my operating room managers are all cheering me on. They believe that I would make a great nurse. On a personal note, I feel that I have got to reclaim my own sense of self-worth.

Please accept me.
Finally, in five years, I'd like to be close to getting a master's degree in nursing.

taodoThreads: 2
Posts: 6
Author: Chi Phan
Mar 21, 2009, 09:56am   #2
Hi, Reziel! I have some suggestions for for your essay.

-Growing up in the Philippines was a difficult experience.
I think that the word "difficult" is not suitable here. Maybe the experience is "unforgettable", or "sad" or something like that.

-In our town, that was my mother and grandfather.
So what does "that" refer to?

-I knew beyond any doubt what it was that I wanted to do with my life.
I think "with" should be replaced with " in"

-I didn't feel that I was making the right kind of a difference.
This sentence is rather vague, what is the "difference" here

-they believe that I would make a great nurse.
Make should be "Become"

and last but not least, i feel that your conclusion is too short and curt. You should rewrite it to emphasize your dream of becoming a nurse.
good luck!

kids_jessyThreads: 7
Posts: 44
Author: LRC
Mar 21, 2009, 10:10am   #3
Hi, on the whole, I can really sense your dream in pursuing a nursing degree. The voice is strong and I can really feel the keen interest you have in nursing. And you have also encountered your experience in helping your grandfather well :) So overall, a goob job!

Just a few suggestions:

1. For the 2nd sentence "She asked what I was doing with myself these days", I think should delete "with myself".

2. For the 2nd last para, instead of saying you had problems getting accepted and your grandfather didn't want you to quit. You can say something along the line of "despite being rejected several times, I did not feel discouraged..." Yup, then continue with the parts on your husband and colleagues cheering you on.

3. As for the last para, I agree with taodo that it is a bit short. My suggestion is to take away the "Please accept me" as I felt that it doesn't seem nice to write that in a personal statement. Then include 1 or 2 sentences to re-state your ambition to become a nurse and maybe on how you intend to use your nursing knowledge to make a difference in the future? Lastly, end your essay with "Finally, in five years, I'd like to be close to getting a master's degree in nursing" will be fine :)

Yep, nonetheless, do wait for the moderators and other forum members' advices and opinions. Hope these will help you and all the best in ur app! I believe that you will definitely fulfill your dream one day :D

EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,155
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Mar 21, 2009, 01:41pm   #4
I think your essay would be so much more powerful if you scrapped the first paragraph altogether. If you do that, and take some of the great advice posted above, you have a great essay. You shine through as mature, reliable, intelligent and extremely passionate about your goals.
I believe they will feel fortunate to have you as a shining example of a great student.

Good luck!

EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3,667
Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
Mar 21, 2009, 03:57pm   #5
I agree with Kevin -- the first paragraph should go. Apart from that, the essay looks good.

Essay Forum / Undergraduate Essays / Unanswered [this forum] / Featured / Similar

Similar discussions:

Random: How do you get a credit?

This thread has been closed.

Home - Search - About Us - Faq - EF Contributors - Contact Us

Copyright © 2006-2014 EssayForum.com  Disclaimer, Privacy Policy, TOS  EssayForum RSS