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American culture; Describe a setting in which you have collaborated/interacted with people



AznboiThreads: 2
Posts: 8
Author: Thanh Nguyen
   
Oct 14, 2013, 08:26am   #1
I'm writing this for college admission
Topic B : Describe a setting in which you have collaborated or interacted with people whose experiences and/or beliefs differ from yours. Address your initial feelings, and how those feelings were or were not changed by this experience.
Please see below;



admission2012Threads: -
Posts: 404
Author: Kevin Jackson - AdmissionsAdviceOnline.com Skype 24/7 @ Admissions_essay_advice
 Likes 61  
Oct 14, 2013, 09:24am   #2
Hello,

This has all the elements of a great essay but in its current state this essay needs a lot of improvements. First, the prompt here wants you to discuss a collaboration or interaction. As you have it here, you did not collaborate or interact with anyone - merely just attended. You need to add this aspect of collaboration or interaction to correctly answer the prompt. Secondly, there are tons of grammatical errors here, but those can be fixed relatively easily. Just focus building out this story by adding more feelings as well as the collaborative aspect and we can help you polish it. -Admissions Advice Online

Hope this helps


AznboiThreads: 2
Posts: 8
Author: Thanh Nguyen
   
Oct 14, 2013, 11:31am   #3
Thank you! I would definitely do that. It would be great if you can point out my grammatical errors so that I can fix it.


AznboiThreads: 2
Posts: 8
Author: Thanh Nguyen
   
Oct 14, 2013, 02:14pm   #4
All right! I will be honest to write an essay about my experience. Since I was little, there was always a fear within me trying to keep myself from going against my constant truth. Especially whenever someone decides to talk about religion. Itís the topic that I wished to skirt altogether.
I was ten years old by the time when my uncle decides to take me to a Christianity church every single week. Despite I am a Buddhist worshiper, he insists on forcing me to go as if he tried to convert my religion and assimilate myself into the new cultures. Our family just came to the United States and without prior experience in this country, we end up depend on my uncle as a guideline and a helper whenever needed. This gave me a sense of detachment from similar cultures which I can not find.
Every Sunday, we drove to church. It was just me and my uncle in the car. Without any interesting topics to talk about, we always end up talking about religion and its significance. Evidently, he would described the principles in the Bible to me with a style of pausing and, eye contact and with a tone of voice never boring but drawing you with a wanting more draw along with hand gestures to claim his points. However, his persuasion approach can not distracts my thoughts from preventing to convert into a new religion. As we arrived at the church, the front building was absolutely beautiful and marvelous for such a sacred place and yet I entered the building with an anxiety in an environment full of religious people with whom I do not share their belief. During the service, everybody sat quietly listen to the Bible. While I am astonished on the meaning of the Bible. Their principles have appeal to me in a way that I think it is pertain to live life meaningful, how it perceived people to live happily with simple words.
As I grow up, my thoughts become more mature to understand about the American cultures. I turned my fears into a valuable lesson which it taught me to respect and appreciate otherís backgrounds despite our cultural and religious differences. Religion taught people how to live with morals base on their principles. From this standpoint, my experience becomes more profound and gave me a chance to understand better about others and perhaps the most important factor in personal development to acquired the knowledge to how accept culture and traditions of foreign societies.


chondamma4Threads: 2
Posts: 8
Author: Chaitanya Thammaya
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Oct 16, 2013, 06:37am   #5
Aznboi:
I will be honest to write an essay about my experience. Since I was little, there was always a fear within me trying to keep myself from going against my constant truth. Especially whenever someone decides to talk about religion. Itís the topic that I wished to skirt altogether.

I will be honest and write an essay based on my experience. Since I was little, I had an innate fear which kept me from going against my constant truth. Especially whenever someone decides to talk about religion. Itís a topic that I wished to skirt altogether.
Aznboi:
I was ten years old by the time when my uncle decides to take me to a Christianity church every single week. Despite I am a Buddhist worshiper, he insists on forcing me to go as if he tried to convert my religion and assimilate myself into the new cultures. Our family just came to the United States and without prior experience in this country, we end up depend on my uncle as a guideline and a helper whenever needed. This gave me a sense of detachment from similar cultures which I can not find.

I was ten years old when my uncle took me to a Church for the first time. Despite the fact that we were Buddhists, he forced me to accompany him, as if he were trying to convert my religion and assimilate me into a new culture.
Aznboi:
Every Sunday, we drove to church. It was just me and my uncle in the car.

Every Sunday my uncle would drive me to church.
Aznboi:
Evidently, he would described the principles in the Bible to me with a style of pausing and, eye contact and with a tone of voice never boring but drawing you with a wanting more draw along with hand gestures to claim his points. However, his persuasion approach can not distracts my thoughts from preventing to convert into a new religion.

He would explain the Bible to me with dramatic flair, using hand gestures to drive his point home. However, his persuasive approach did not succeed in converting me to a new religion.
Aznboi:
As we arrived at the church, the front building was absolutely beautiful and marvelous for such a sacred place and yet I entered the building with an anxiety in an environment full of religious people with whom I do not share their belief. During the service, everybody sat quietly listen to the Bible. While I am astonished on the meaning of the Bible. Their principles have appeal to me in a way that I think it is pertain to live life meaningful, how it perceived people to live happily with simple words.

When we arrived at the church, though I was impressed by the beauty I was still anxious to enter an environment full of religious people whose beliefs were different from mine. During the service, everyone listened to the Preacher reading from the Bible.
The next two sentences are confusing, I cannot understand what you want to convey here. You might want to rephrase this, and keep the sentences simpler.
Aznboi:
As I grow up, my thoughts become more mature to understand about the American cultures. I turned my fears into a valuable lesson which it taught me to respect and appreciate otherís backgrounds despite our cultural and religious differences. Religion taught people how to live with morals base on their principles. From this standpoint, my experience becomes more profound and gave me a chance to understand better about others and perhaps the most important factor in personal development to acquired the knowledge to how accept culture and traditions of foreign societies.

As I grew up,my thoughts become more mature to understand about American culture. I turned my fears into a valuable lesson which taught me to respect and appreciate otherís backgrounds despite our cultural and religious differences. Religion taught people how to live with morals based on principles. From this standpoint, my experience becomes more profound and gave me a chance to understand better about others. And perhaps was the most important factor in personal development to acquire the knowledge to accept the culture and traditions of foreign societies.

I feel you just need to correct the grammar in the first essay. It explains your essay a lot better.
Hope this helps. Do let me know if you need anything else.


AznboiThreads: 2
Posts: 8
Author: Thanh Nguyen
   
Oct 16, 2013, 08:13am   #6
Thank you! My essay now flowed much better. I will let you know if there is something I need help on (:




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