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America was different from the country I came from;personal/social/family challenge


Moira 1 / 2  
Dec 14, 2012   #1
I really need someone to fix my essay for me. My English is not that good and I really want someone to help me out. Can anyone help me pleaseïźŸ feel free to make any corrections please.

Essay # 1: Tell us about you have faced. How have you dealt with them and how have they shaped your thinking?

In the summer of 2010, I arrived in America with my family. America was totally different from the country I came from. I was excited and enthusiastic about exploring this "New World". I set out on adventures, and the obstacles I faced as an immigrant really made this adventure more challenging.

As I began my adventure living in the "New World", I encountered a big challenge which was language barrier. Even though I learned English in my country, I had not yet master the language. I didn't speak English fluently and I faced many problems to communicate with my classmates and teachers. I was like an outsider who sat in the classroom and didn't know what was happening and what to do. When the teacher asked me something, I got an idea but didn't know how to say it. When my classmates talked to me, I knew what they meant but I didn't know how to respond. I had a hard time expressing my feelings, explaining myself and sharing my ideas. Having had difficulties talking to others, I became quiet and also became a good listener. However, I didn't just want to be a listener. I wanted to talk, to express myself, and to interact with people, and I had to speak fluent English to be able to do those things I wanted.

Therefore, I tried to improve my English skills, especially speaking skill in many different ways. Every day in school, I would jot down some useful expressions said by my classmates and teachers in my handbook. I forced myself to read English books and to watch English movies without Chinese subtitles. When I was reading the books and watching the movies, I would also write down some expressions that would help me with daily conversations. In my spare time, I would glance over my handbook and reinforce my memory. I also tried to talk with a lot of people each day to practice my speaking skill, and it's not easy. There were some blocks in cross-cultural communication. Sometimes there was silence during the conversation. Sometimes, the person I was talking to had no idea what I was saying even though I really tried to tell him/her what I wanted to say. As a result, I felt depressed and a sense of shame. At the same time, I had some pleasant conversations with people, and I felt proud of having those conversations in fluent English. There were many other things I did in order to speak better English. As it turned out, I was making great progress and my English did improve a lot.

As one of the challenge I faced, Language barrier not only gave me depression and pressure but also made me become more determined and motivated to conquer the problems. In spite of hardship, there were also achievements that made me happy, satisfied and proud. My adventure living in America will be more and more challenging but all those coming difficulties will be my motivation.

Essay # 2: Discuss some issue of local, national, or international concern and its importance to you. What are the challenges it raises, problems to be addressed and hopeful outcomes?

New York City is a global city with great diversity of ethnicity, religion, and culture. The schools in New York City are good epitome of the diversity of this city. As a student at one of the public schools of New York City, I love the diversity in my school because it gives me the opportunities to make friends with diverse people and to know about different cultures. However, I also don't like the diversity in some way because it raises the issue of bullying, prejudice and discrimination. Moreover, I was once bullied by some guys from my school.

It was a rainy day. I didn't have the umbrella with me. My friend shared hers with me and we walked to the bus stop together. When we got there, we saw some guys sitting on the bench and talking to each other. My friend took down the umbrella as we stood under the bus station shed. Those guys were sitting by our left sides. As I was talking to my friend about the terrible weather, it was raining under the shed. The raindrops fell on my face and glasses, but the raindrops didn't fall from the sky. Instead, they fell from the side. On my left side, this guy was shaking her umbrella towards me and my friend, and all the other guys were snickering. I and my friend got angry. "Can you stop shaking your umbrella?" my friend said to the guy nicely. However, the guy kept shaking his umbrella, and started to say some offensive words to us and something bad about Asians. What he said made me really indignant but I was too timid to say anything. I was afraid that if I said something offensive back to him, I would get in big trouble. Suddenly, another guy threw an empty water bottle at us. Fortunately, we dodged it quickly and walked away from them. Then, we heard fits of laughter coming from our back.

Having been a victim of bullying, I realize that bullying is really a serious problem and it is considered as a major or moderate problem in schools. Victims of bullying will have a low self-esteem and feel helpless. They don't want to go to school and they will even suicide because of continual bullying. After I experienced bullying, I worried about my safety in school. I was afraid that I would be victimized again. I knew that I had to do something. Therefore, I went to my guidance counselor. I talked to her about the bullying and I was educated about bullying. Then, I educate my family and friends about bullying.

When you are bullied, you can defeat the bully by responding assertively and report the bullying to adults. When you see a child being victimized by a bully, you can stop the bullying by aiding the victim. Don't let the abuse continue. Let's do something to prevent bullying!
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Dec 14, 2012   #2
In the summer of 2010, I arrived in America with my family. America was totally different from the country I came from. I was excited and enthusiastic about exploring this "New World". I set out on adventures, and the obstacles I faced as an immigrant really made this adventure more challenging.

You have only two ideas here; You migrated to USA and found it was an exciting with many adventures. However, you repeat these ideas throughout the para in different forms. That weakens your presentation. Instead what you should do is come up new ideas with each new line.
OP Moira 1 / 2  
Dec 16, 2012   #3
Thank you so much for replying but i'm a little confused about what you are saying. can you give me one example of new ideas?
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Dec 16, 2012   #4
Hi Moira,

Thank you so much for replying but i'm a little confused about what you are saying. can you give me one example of new ideas?

Well.... what I meant was that you have dedicated that para for just those two ideas, which you could have said more concisely. It would be more interesting for the reader to grasp the point and then move into a new idea rather than spending too much time on one. That's the way I feel :)

I suggest you to avoid being too much detailed!
OP Moira 1 / 2  
Dec 18, 2012   #5
I suggest you to avoid being too much detailed!

I got it!! I will try to do it again and come up with some new ideas!
I really appreciate your suggestion!! :D


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