I am not exactly sure what matters to me. My priorities have been changing throughout high school. When I was just beginning high school what mattered to me the most was doing well in school so that I could have a better life in the future and I wanted to learn because I have a thirst for knowledge. Doing well in school meant that I was getting a good education, an act that quenches my thirst for more knowledge. However, all that changed while I was on the precipice of death itself as I endured round after round of treatment for my brain cancer. At the time, what mattered to me the most was my health and my life because without my them, I have absolutely nothing. Of course, I still aspired to do well in school, but that was just not my main priority at that time. After a couple months my treatments ended, I guess my priority shifted back to doing well in school. Unfortunately, I was not able to do as well as I had hoped because I had endured so much treatment. However, through hard work, I was able to prevail.
Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Happy to look at your essay if you want.
"I am not exactly sure what matters to me" is not a good start to your supplement. You want to hook the admissions officer, who has to read who knows however many essays. And you seem to go from education to health to education... these seem to be pretty standard concerns for a lot of students. You have a great story to tell with your brain cancer... what else has it taught you to value?
'thirst for knowledge' has been used twice, in very close proximity. try changing one of those to something else.
Also, and I am sorry to be blunt, if I were an admission officer, I wouldn't look over your essay twice.
There is no 'hook', so to speak. PICK ONE THING, and stick with it. Please try to rewrite the whole thing and post it here again.
And please, please, don't begin the essay with "I am not exactly sure what matters to me". As the above poster noted, the first line itself will disinterest the reader.
I'll be happy to read your edited version.
I'd be great if you could critique my Lafayette essay.
Cut the first 3 sentences and focus on the way your health has been important to you. Possibly, you could state that you don't take things for granted and you are trying to make the most of your life. Try and draw the reader into your story.
I think that you should focus in one thing and explain its meaningfulness to you. I think it lacks depth .
Like some said above, I think you have the basis of a potentially good essay. Focus on one idea. I think you can say that what matters to you changes as you change as an individual but maybe doing something orignal saying that all you really wanted at moment was idk ... hair? a food you couldnt eat because of treatment? people to see you as more than just cancer? to not see your parents hurt? If you start with a story about you in the clinic recieving treatment, I think it will flow easier.
Goodluck! I'd love to see what you end up with!
change how you start the essay,
When I was just beginning high school what mattered to me the most was doing well in school so that I could have a better life in the future and I wanted to learn because I have a thirst for knowledge.
that is too long you probably want to shorten it to "As a freshman in highschool my priority was performing well to quench my thirst for knowledge and attain a good future
I definitely think the starting sentence needs to go. I don't know the word limit but if you have space you could start off with a short anecdote. I think you have the right idea but you have the potential to really make this an emotional and vivid supplement - so you should definitely elaborate more on you experience. Try to to stick with one idea throughout, and don't jump around between school and your treatment, I think this way you'll get your point across much more successfully.
Otherwise, I think that you've chosen something that means a lot to you and so you should definitely add more depth and details about what you've been through - that way you're readers will truly understand you as a person :)
Thanks for reading my supplement and good luck!
