Hey guys, i've written an essay for my application to George Mason University and wanted to ask for any and all help or advice.
The topic is "In approximately 250 words please tell about the most personally significant contribution you have made to a community." Below is my response.
As a human being, I am naturally selfish. Stitched within my framework is a burning desire to satisfy one thing. My needs. For the majority of my life, I truly believed that the sole purpose of my existence was to satisfy myself with material possessions. I believed that these things would bring me happiness. I had no idea what happiness really was.
Last year, my mother asked if I'd be interested in volunteering on Thanksgiving with The Good Shepherd Alliance which provides clothing to the underprivileged. I agreed to go, but thought only of how this would look on my college resume. Upon arriving, I was as interested as my little sister would be at an Aerosmith concert. It was then we were taken to a line to help give jackets to children.
To my friends I'm a tough guy, but hugging those kids after they received a hand-me-down jacket like it was a designer brand was enough to tear down any façade of toughness I was seeking to project. Unlike me, who was stricken with an insatiable lust for material things, they were truly content with what they'd been given. Coming home, I thought about the people I'd given "gifts" to.
I can truly say that on that Thanksgiving, it was me who received the real gift. From that experience, the people in my community taught me that material possessions aren't what constitute self-worth. These families found their identity in each other, through the love they shared. The utter happiness and gratitude I saw that day will never leave me.
My only tip is to take of the exclamation marks. A lot of people do what you did every thanksgiving so it's not a really big deal. Overall i think you did a solid job
Wonderful writing skills! I enjoyed your essay, but would you happen to have a more meaningful experience that contributed to the community? It seems as if the kids were just another thing in your story.
Also, I have been advised not to use contractions in college essays.
really inspiring essay.
just some things you might want to edit.
Then I found out "the catch"; this event would take place on Thanksgiving!
In my family, few days are as anticipated as Thanksgiving. Our football games often end in broken bones (and egos) while copious amounts of food are consumed. you don't really need this sentence, you might want to take it out and add more about the shelter and the kids.
At the end try to explain more about how you felt, and what it meant to you.
Good luck! :)
i couldn't really find anything wrong with it man. I think its great
Last year, my mother asked if I'd be interested in volunteering on Thanksgiving with The Good Shepherd Alliance, which provides clothing to the underprivileged.
I agreed to go, but thought only of how this would look on my college resume.---I admire your honesty!
Upon arriving, I was as interested as my little sister would be at an Silversmith concert.---This is a little interested, or a lot?
To my friends I'm a tough guy, but hugging those kids after they received a hand-me-down jacket like it was a designer brand, was enough to tear down any facade of toughness I was seeking to project.
:)
