Hi! This is supposed to be my common app essay. I feel that it is lacking something. Will really appreciate your Help with this. Thanks
If I could lend my heart words, if only I could put in 500 words what 18 years have failed to understand. Even now I find the prospects impossible, unintelligible even. Yet for expediency's sake I have managed to salvage this much from the confounding abyss of self I am African.
I am African each time I hear the lucid swish swoosh of the Dipo Yoo's raffia skirt as she trudges along the dusty walkways of my native Ada during her puberty rite. I watch every step as it ushers in the mellifluous clink of Krobo beads that sit regally across her voluptuous hips; each step telling of purity and juxtaposing it with the amoral blight of the contemporary African's soul. To me each step signifies the African soil's longing for the ones with whom it once shared a kinship a longing so strong it alliances with gravity to coerce our feet homeward. It is also a depiction of the constant struggle of today's African to remain true to his roots a struggle illustrated by the normal reaction of the earth against the Dipo Yoo's foot. Like the dust that swirls about an initiate's leg with each thud of her foot, I also encircle and embrace my Africanism, as I remain true to my ancestral roots and follow in step with the Dipo Yoo.
I am African. I am African each time I sit in a trotro and endure gloriously the rattling of my bones as it sweeps along the untarred roads leading homeward. Like the proverbial book that deserves better judgement than its cover entitles it to, the trotro conceals its resplendent African contents in the ramshackle, rust laden, cankered chassis of a moving metal bucket. Within those few moments spent promenading, Africa springs to life. Aboriginal values of courtesy, communal responsibility and oneness abound with a flourish. The drivers mate collects our fares with unaffected relish, I draw the windows backward to relieve old granny of the imposing chill, and beside us a Sisala man engages in an exchange with an Anlo woman. When my journey cones to its end, and I alight, I revel in the infinitesimal pleasures of my miniature Africa. Like my mother says, there was nothing before the trotro, and there will be nothing after.
I find therefore that, it is in these truly African moments that my being is given form. That it is these moments that have determined my bearing. My people say that the horn is not too heavy for the head that bears it. I was born African to be made African. If I could lend my heart words; if only I could put in 500 words what many more years have still to understand. But I realise now that 500 words are probably too many to profess this ď I am an African.
I am new to essayforum and I'm not really sure if we always have to correct the essays, so sorry if this is utterly pointless.
Your essay is pretty amazing and I love everything about it! I love the rhythm of it and the repetition of "I am African..when..." very very well written and full of imagery. I can only hope my essay is as good as yours and I am sure you will amaze the readers and get into those universities, best of luck :)
I think that this is both a beautifully written essay and a wonderful feeling that you were able to clearly communicate to me. The only thing I would change would be the very last sentence and just deleting the "an" so that it would read "I am African." (It keeps the continuity)
Other than that tiny error, I think that it has fantastic imagery and a great moral to it. Best of luck to you!
Grace
This is beautiful. Quite unique, and so intellectual. But I'm not sure it's the best for an admissions essay. It's a high risk type of essay because the admissions officer needs to really slow down, read it carefully, and digest. It also wonders a little bit. You say you're African based on two things the Dippo Yoo rite and riding in the trotro. But they're somewhat disconnected, and random. They should to be connected. So a sentence like, 'every time i return home, the rituals of every day life tell me I am african' before you begin with the two examples would serve to link them.
Some more targeted thoughts on the piece itself:
Be careful with the vocab. Make sure things work. For example, lucid is almost always about images not sounds.
amoral blight of the contemporary African's soul. --> this is very strong. it sounds very judgey. is this really what you want?
alliances-->allies
his roots--> its roots
... that deserves better judgement than its cover entitles it to -- rephrase here. akward.
explain what a trotro is when first bring it up.
I also give an example of making the intro a little spiffier: If only my heart could speak. If only I could vocalize in 500 words what 18 years have failed to understand. Even now I find the prospect impossible, unintelligible even. Yet I have managed to salvage this much from the confounding abyss of self - I am African.
Conclusion:
I would really try to get a very experienced teacher to look at this. It really needs a talented hand. One other thing I would flag is that the whole essay says in the end: I am African. But what else? You know who you are, but what are your dreams? what do you believe in ? who do you want to be? Make sure some other essays or what have you covers this. At the end of the day, very very few people can write this well. Especially guys. And especially African guys. I am assuming you're going for HYPs of the world and you should go for it. You're writing is wonderful; I can only imagine how it develop throughout college and beyond.
