Hi!
I am planning on transferring from a local community college to Virginia Tech. I am having to explain why I wish to transfer from the college I am now attending to Virginia Tech. Can someone please read this essay and give me suggestions and/or edit this for me please? All of your help is greatly appreciated! :)
Finding out that I was denied admission to Virginia Tech as a freshman was devastating; however, I now see it as a blessing in disguise. After getting denied, I made up my mind that I was going to push harder against adversity instead of letting it define what I could accomplish. Since I knew Virginia Tech was the only college I wished to attend, I decided to go to a local community college and work hard to reach my goal of being a Hokie. While at Danville Community College, I worked extremely hard to ensure a smooth transition into Virginia Tech. I feel as though taking classes at DCC for one year was the best option for me. I have been able to get the feel of college courses and get my basics out of the way. I have grown stronger as a student and feel as though I can tackle any college course I am faced with. I have thoroughly made the most of my time here at DCC but am now ready to start my sophomore year at Virginia Tech. Considering I cannot get a bachelor's degree at Danville Community College, I would like to transfer to Virginia Tech and major in Human Development to become an elementary school teacher. I know that I will get more out of the programs of study available in Blacksburg than any other university in the state. With all of this being said, I ask you to consider me for admission for Fall 2012.
the word hokie does not sound very academic, try an alternate word that when translated does not lessen the strength you wanted to transcend when choosing this word. the tone that is set is very inear, as in predictable. if i were a admissions person reading this, i would say , "this story sounds like anybody that's transferring". the scope of this essay is to big and needs to be narrowed.
I would somehow rearrange the last sentence so you do not end it with the year 2012, and also you do not say "With all of this being said," because it usually is not the best wrapping-up sentence. Also, even though it does seem like you tried to make it personal, try adding just a bit more on your personal story, and i agree with what Alex said, it seems kind of ordinary.
SLIGHTLY UPDATED. I am not 100% finished but here is what I have so far. I tried to put in more specific details pertaining to me instead of sounding bland and generic.
Finding out that I was denied admission to Virginia Tech as a freshman was devastating; however, I now see it as a blessing in disguise. After getting denied, I made up my mind that I was going to push harder against adversity instead of letting it define what I could accomplish. Since I knew Virginia Tech was the only college I wished to attend, I decided to go to a local community college and work hard to reach my goal of studying at Virginia Tech. While at Danville Community College, I have worked extremely hard to ensure a smooth transition. I feel as though taking classes at DCC for one year was the best option for me. I have been able to get the feel of college courses and get my basics out of the way while living in the comfort of my own home. I have grown stronger as a student and feel as though I can tackle any college course I would be faced with. I have thoroughly made the most out of my time here at DCC, but am now ready to start my sophomore year at Virginia Tech. At DCC, I cannot graduate with an associate's degree. I have made high goals for myself to major in Human Development and receive my master's degree in elementary education. I also crave to get the full college experience. I have high hopes of living in a dorm room and learning to live and get along with a roommate. In addition, I plan on joining a sorority and getting the feeling of being part of a close family which my current college does not offer. After doing much research, I know that I will get more out of the opportunities in Blacksburg than in any college in the state.
Upon my rejection (you can use a different word if this sounds too harsh) to Virginia Tech as a freshman was devastating; however, I now see it as a blessing in disguise. After my denial , I decided that I was going to push harder against adversity instead of letting it define my decisions (or path, or academic endeavors) . Since I knew Virginia Tech was the only college I wished to attend, I decided to go to a local community college and work hard to reach my goal of being a Hokie. At Danville Community College, I worked extremely "extremely" is a very extreme word. I like your dedication, but try to use a more...smoother word hard to ensure a smooth transition into Virginia Tech. I feel as though taking classes at DCC for one year was the best option for me. I have been able to get the feel of college courses and get my basics out of the way. I have grown stronger as a student and feel as though I can tackle any college course I am faced with. I have thoroughly made the most of my time here at DCC but am now ready to start my sophomore year at Virginia Tech. Considering I cannot get a bachelor's degree at Danville Community College, I would like to transfer to Virginia Tech and major in Human Development to become an elementary school teacher. I know that I will get more out of the programs of study available in Blacksburg than any other university in the state. With all of this being said, I ask you to consider me for admission for Fall 2012.
I made a few adjustments here and there, but I did not want to change your style because I believe that's very important. Overall, I really liked this essay because you have great points of wanting to transfer. I'm a prospective transfer student, too. This a great start!
