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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 374)

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My parents have owned a donut shop for almost twenty-five years; Common App

2 - This essay is amazing! The words you use and the way you use them are amazing! I'm totally jealous....

Undergraduatesilligrl555 - Nov 26, 2009 / cache189 - Nov 26, 2009
Cornell Admission Essay-Describe your intellectual interests and their evolution

4 - It's a lot better! I think you should probably dive into the evolution/how it appeals to you a bit...

Undergraduatelke - Nov 26, 2009 / mmmargarita - Nov 26, 2009
"Opening up to others", EAOP program - Needs opinions

4 - Uhm, I would say that you should divide the 1st one into paragraphs. You might need to make it...

Undergraduatexloserr - Nov 26, 2009 / MonsieurWise - Nov 26, 2009
'Burning legs and Seaside Invitational' - UC Prompt #1: Cross Country

5 - Awesome, thanks for your reviews of it. I've cut a bit of the bulk out of the essay to...

Undergraduatestepup - Nov 25, 2009 / stepup - Nov 26, 2009
UC essay #1: school and everything that comes along with it

5 - The outside world is dog-eat-dog, they say. It is absolutely necessary to prepare for that harsh reality after several...

Undergraduatecache189 - Nov 22, 2009 / Swallace18 - Nov 26, 2009
Short-answer questions for Exchange Program

3 - Thank you very much EF_Kelvin! Can anyone tell me about "My dream is to discover new innovations...

UndergraduateTwinkle - Nov 25, 2009 / Twinkle - Nov 26, 2009
community service Atlanta Korean American Youth Center

3 - Yeah definantly take that out! Listing everything you did in your second paragraph gets dull to read and...

Undergraduatepcvrz34g - Nov 26, 2009 / twizzlestraw - Nov 26, 2009
The Reality of My Parent's Homeland - UC prompt #1

2 - I like this essay because it is thoughtful and a lot of your personality in it. But, it doesn't...

UndergraduateHeartfelt - Nov 26, 2009 / cache189 - Nov 26, 2009
"Sonata Allegro of Life" UC Prompt 1

9 - Jeffliwin, If you do have some time, do you think you could help me with mine? I am totally...

Undergraduatejeffliwin - Nov 26, 2009 / FireTiger - Nov 26, 2009
Paint a verbal portrait of an ideal physician...

4 - You've really improved the essay by recounting vividly the experience you had at 11. It could be much better...

Undergraduateneil098 - Nov 17, 2009 / linmark - Nov 26, 2009
My mother escaping communism has shaped my aspirations; UC personal statement 1

10 - "Art is Stange". Wow that got me there. It's amazing how you elevated the language with knowing the...

UndergraduateSmH - Nov 8, 2009 / whoau49 - Nov 26, 2009
"Always striving for better and greater" - look over my UC application

8 - the colloquial writing style is great! Kinda confusing and obfuscates the point you're trying to make when changing the...

Undergraduateplaytm300 - Nov 7, 2009 / whoau49 - Nov 26, 2009
"A life of motivation" and "Deep determination" UC prompts

NEW - Can you give me a feedback on my essays? I know its not the best so I need some...

Undergraduatezzeal - Nov 26, 2009 / — -
Football camp - UC#2 Essay; 'Success is not given to you; you must earn it'

3 - Well, this is all narrative, but what is the moral of the story. The idea is not just to...

Undergraduateaceruiz1 - Nov 25, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
UC Prompt #1: "Your son has autism."; The Gift

4 - Alright, will do :) Thank-you so much! And I will definitely read over yours....

Undergraduatezhuangjieyi - Nov 26, 2009 / zhuangjieyi - Nov 26, 2009
Ralph's grocery store ad - UC ESSAY 3 Personal Accomplishment

3 - Nice job! the first sentence is not very exciting, so it coul be improved... also: Sound, especially music,...

Undergraduatecombomeal316 - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
Tesla #THE PERSON THAT INFLUENCED ME MUCH#

4 - Yes, I think you should have half of it be about Tesla and half of it be about you...

UndergraduateMARIOFOREVER - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
leaves, branch, bark, stem, tree, roots (2nd personal statement)

3 - In the first para, it is good if you void addressing the reader directly, as if preaching to the...

Undergraduatejpg_76 - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
Florida State University Essay Prompt 2009-2010 (draft too long?)

2 - When I first moved into the state of to Missouri... Don't try to say too much in...

UndergraduateAnimeEye - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
My school's cheerleading team - UC Prompt

6 - Thanks so much everyone! All of these edits really help! Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!...

Undergraduatekab00mb00m - Nov 23, 2009 / 6209jml - Nov 26, 2009
(MaCaulay Honors essay) - Discussion of a Risk- Pollution & Recycling

4 - Because this material is made to be very sturdy, it makes the product just as hard also takes a...

UndergraduateIgnorancex - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
I considered Emory University for its academics: Emory essay

3 - Hello yaywriting, your cool personality is too good for this unenthusiastic part: I found that my interest in political...

Undergraduateyaywriting - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
One with Martial arts (FGCU-Activity that has been meaningful to you)

5 - Great writing here... I hear nothing but the wings of the butterflies in my stomach, frantic and restless....

UndergraduateJfils - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
"My world has always been a small, rural town" - admission essay for UC's!

6 - I think you should bring your first paragraph to a close sooner, ad give a thesis sentence that really...

Undergraduatecoolnerd - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
"a drunken stupor" - Stanford - intellectually engaging

4 - You are my hero, this is some excellent writing. The first sentence, and especially: After this frustrating experience, I...

Undergraduate26matrices - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
My Spelman College Essay, can you tell me what you think and give revision tips?

2 - Your first sentence is very astute; I like it. ...everything in its path, i ncluding my hometown of...

Undergraduatetmyra91 - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
activities, academic instersts - USC Short Answers

3 - The late 18th century French philosopher Voltaire had said, "We must... You can use a dash for this...

UndergraduateTimMill - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
Essay "Important Issue" - drug abuse - can demolish everyone's life

NEW - Student Drug Abuse A great deal of young children, teenagers, and adult's can demolish their life. It can...

Undergraduateatlas - Nov 26, 2009 / — -
decision to become a pharmacist - Essay Prompt #1

4 - Thus, my decision was not a departure from the normal (or aberrational?) This whole sentence is unnecessary. You already...

Undergraduateikutatomaluv - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
Alverno School of fish; Prompt 1

2 - confidence and courage ... strong work ethics to become an honest, charismatic ... influenced and shaped...These are all quite...

Undergraduatejuly723 - Nov 25, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
uc prompt #2. experience that is important to me. boarding school

2 - After checking in my belongings, my grandmother had left, so I had to cope without her. Hey, this...

UndergraduateGodizgood - Nov 25, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
Impact on your life. Essay 1 and Essay 2

2 - As per our TOS, essayforum.com/disclaimer-privacy-tos. Why would you want to delete your essay...? ): A moderator took time...

Undergraduatesymbol - Nov 21, 2009 / pcvrz34g - Nov 26, 2009
The Chinese Ninespine stickeleback Fish - uc essay prompt 1?

2 - When I was in fifth grade, I read a book called "Chinese... Don't capitalize "after" in that first...

Undergraduatejholic - Nov 25, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
"New Era" missionary experiences - BYU "Setback" Admission Essay, 200 word

2 - I had known for seven years that... I greatly regret that I spent the first six months waiting...

Undergraduateabstractpoet - Nov 25, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
UC transfer prom: something about life experience > want to be psychologist

2 - I think you should use italics for the first part, with the questions people asked you. I think...

UndergraduateFieldnagger - Nov 25, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
Don't change or Accept change? Which one is better?

2 - You should use a capital letter at the beginning of every sentence. Put a space after periods. ...

Undergraduateyousafzai - Nov 25, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
UC Prompt 2: Bottles and Cans

2 - Oh... you needed a service learning project in order to graduate. Okay, the first para is confusing, because you...

Undergraduatejpazn23 - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
"Test under pressure" - UC Prompt 2

2 - Maybe you want to use a dash for a "dramatic pause" :-) for such a moment -- or if...

Undergraduatemaatthheew - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
'Divorce rate is nearing 50%' - someone who has made an impact on your life

2 - The first sentence says the American economy is a superpower, but that is not quite right. The second sentence...

Undergraduatem4rx - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
UC personal statement 1 - My Siblings

2 - Use a comma: My family has always been a big one, and being... It is great that your...

Undergraduatehieuh600 - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
my passion for nursing and things i will do if i actually became one

6 - Not sure if you revised your essay, but about the prompt, I thought you answered only half of it....

UndergraduateGodizgood - Nov 22, 2009 / doug - Nov 26, 2009
'Korea volunteering work' - UC accomplishment meaningful to me.

4 - Nice experience and well-written....

Undergraduatek8255 - Nov 23, 2009 / carolinetu - Nov 26, 2009
"Old Pride" - 500 words personnal statement.

9 - I don't really see how you were prideful in the situation. I see how you showed preseverance... Also, pride...

UndergraduateMonsieurWise - Nov 14, 2009 / twizzlestraw - Nov 26, 2009
The Republic of Trinidad and Tobago - Columbia University

2 - This sentence might make it sound like your selfless motive was actually rooted in a selfish concern that...

Undergraduatenileriver15 - Nov 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 26, 2009
Dickinson college supplement-globally engaged citizen leaders

8 - Thanks guys for your feedbacks. ^^ I get your points now....

Undergraduateruzhang143 - Nov 17, 2009 / ruzhang143 - Nov 26, 2009
UC Prompt 1: A Means of Struggle

5 - Sorry forgot to mention in my previos post. This sentence is very awkward, given the place it...

Undergraduatesheikhdiesel - Nov 25, 2009 / polytag - Nov 26, 2009
"Choosing classes, the request", two different essays, not sure which one to use

4 - Please please don't talk about the courses that you took. There's no big deal in pre-cal/honors physics. Admission officers...

UndergraduateHellobeautiful - Nov 26, 2009 / polytag - Nov 26, 2009
"only by working hard would one achieve one's dreams"

4 - Don't worry about our first draft being rough. It is always for many people. It's a bit...

Undergraduatetammie - Nov 26, 2009 / polytag - Nov 26, 2009
UC Prompt 1- "Great Life"

2 - Since the prompt mentioned "how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations", why not make some reference to...

Undergraduatenishil0 - Nov 26, 2009 / polytag - Nov 26, 2009
UC Prompt 1 Dreams and Aspirations

3 - personally i think the phrase "beats out of pace" seems kind of awkward so I would try to rephrase...

Undergraduatework2009 - Nov 26, 2009 / jeffliwin - Nov 26, 2009
My father, mother - UC Prompt #1 do you guys think its too much about the story?

5 - Oh alright, thanks for the extra advice. Ill post the edited one later. Ill try, but just to let...

UndergraduateHellobeautiful - Nov 24, 2009 / Hellobeautiful - Nov 26, 2009
"THis is What I do" UC Prompt Number 2

3 - Thank you so much!...

Undergraduatejeffliwin - Nov 26, 2009 / jeffliwin - Nov 26, 2009
'I was a corpulent teenager' - UC Personal Statement #1 - Describe your World

4 - Each paragraph is really nicely written - but what your paragraphs lack is the unity they need to become...

UndergraduateEmonaperl - Nov 25, 2009 / shanemrys - Nov 26, 2009
UC Prompt#1 I am a success

2 - Humn, a very good essay. Concise and strong. Very interesting to read, actually the first one I read talking...

Undergraduatepablito3 - Nov 25, 2009 / MonsieurWise - Nov 26, 2009
Why Columbia? stunning level of involvement around the campus

4 - it's really short and to the point. I like it :) yet you could have elaborated a bit more...

Undergraduatejohcha - Oct 29, 2009 / hbrad8002 - Nov 26, 2009
'present economic crisis' - common app short answer EC activities

4 - thanks for all your help :)...

UndergraduateFireTiger - Nov 26, 2009 / FireTiger - Nov 26, 2009
UC Prompt #2: Heart of a Warrior

4 - I think this is an excellent essay. I just wanted to add a counterpoint to MonsieurWise's points, actually -...

UndergraduateMgaldamez - Nov 24, 2009 / Nandra - Nov 26, 2009
Still I Rise: An Autobiography 217 - UPenn Optional Essay

12 - "I searched the depths of his eyes to relate to him, to find something in him that he had...

Undergraduatetwizzlestraw - Oct 27, 2009 / shanemrys - Nov 26, 2009
'Visionary, honest, oriented' - What five words best describe you? (300 chars or less)

7 - Oh, I thought of a word for you instead of relaxed: equable. It means calm, not easily perturbed, tranquil,...

UndergraduateFireTiger - Nov 25, 2009 / mmmargarita - Nov 26, 2009
UC Prompt #2: Baking Bread

4 - While they were baking people arrived for the meeting. This sentence seems out of place. You're not transitioning...

Undergraduatetongyan - Nov 24, 2009 / Mgaldamez - Nov 25, 2009

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