"You are wearing a mask!" --meaningful event,experience, or accomplishment

"Open your eyes! You are wearing a mask! Why are you closing your eyes? Stop flinching at the ball! You know it is coming!" I kneeled down in full catcher's gear with both of my hands behind my back as my middle school softball coach, Coach Spee, threw softballs at my chest, knees, and face. I loved softball, but I disrespected my coach daily by not showing up to practice on time, forgetting my uniform, or not accepting his coaching. He had had enough. He would knock the "whiny little punk" right out of me. I hated him for that. But he did it because he saw my potential. He saw that I loved the game and played it that way, and he wanted me to play it with respect too. Coach Spee expected much from every girl on my team, but he took a special interest in me, for whatever reason, and he made me a better person.

SEE BELOW

II hear your voice in this essay. It's strong and its real, and it covers up the fact that you're slightly bragging, which isn't necessarily bad in this essay. You throw random facts at the reader: "I worked hard for the things I wanted because I realized that I would not get them any other way, and I ended up playing the whole game as an eighth grader in the high school state championship softball game a year later." So you're good at softball. Okay, but I don't like the placement. It would be stronger somewhere else, possibly. And this sentence can be split in half and the first half can be cut down.

Good start, keep editing.

thanks so much! any suggestions as to what i could do with that sentence? I showed it to my english teacher and fixed up some other things, and this is what i have so far without implementing what you suggested.


"Open your eyes! You are wearing a mask! Why are you closing your eyes? Stop flinching at the ball! You know it is coming!" I kneeled down in full catcher's gear with both of my hands behind my back as my middle school softball coach, Coach Spee, threw softballs at my chest, knees, and face. I loved softball, but I did not show respect to my coach on a daily basis. I frequently showed up to practice late or to games without my uniform, and sometimes I ignored his coaching. He had had enough. He would knock the "whiny little punk" right out of me. I hated him for that. But he did it because he saw my potential. He saw that I loved the game and played it that way, and he wanted me to play it with respect too. Coach Spee expected much from every girl on my team, but he took a special interest in me, for whatever reason, and he made me a better person.
For the longest time, I had a real issue with authority. I disrespect to my parents, teachers, and coaches because I thought I knew better than they did. I knew everything. And while, yes, I always mingled among the brightest, I definitely had much to learn. So my coach threw softballs at me over and over again throughout practice. It hurt. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I ached because I did not deserve this. I had talent, and he had no right.
I kept playing because I loved the game, and he kept "teaching" me those lessons. I now respect Mr. Spee more than anyone else I know, because he taught me that someone always knows more than you, has more talent than you, or works harder than you, and I didn't like that. I wanted those titles. The smartest, the most talented, the hardest working—I wanted people to say those things about me. I worked hard for the things I wanted because I realized that I would not get them any other way, and I ended up playing the whole game as an eighth grader in the high school state championship softball game a year later. However, the lessons Mr. Spee taught me continued to affect my life far beyond the realms of softball.
Because of the passion already ablaze in me, and the respect and determination my coach taught me, I can now attack any obstacle, large or small, with a different perspective. These attributes have given me a new angle from which to approach my studies, my peers, and any other goals I set for myself. When I want something, I will use any fair means at my disposal to attain my goals. I respect the opinions of those who know more than I do, and use their advice to further my excellence.

I like this essay! I feel I can relate to it because I play softball too! Very good but maybe you can be more descriptive with your coach's personality. You have the actions down. Now just expand a little more. Other than that, I really liked it!

I think the way it opens with a quote really holds your attention. Good choice!

thanks guys!