UT essay A, first draft, all comments welcomed

Havn't got a good idea for the ending so feel free to give me suggestions.
It's pretty rough, only the first draft, but please tell me how you think it's going.

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and hwy this person is important to you.


I was 7 and standing over the swimming pool, knees shaking. After nearly drowned in the sea when I was 3 and my first attempt of learning to swim failed miserably at age 6, I avoided all occasions which involved 'changing into my swimsuit' and 'jumping in', until now(then?). I dipped my toe into the pool for half a second and took it out immediately:" Mummy, it's freezing!" Her hand rested on my shoulder---I closed my eyes, thinking she was going to push me in the pool, but the hand was gentle:" That's ok honey, you could just stay on the side and play with the other kids." No water? That was great news for me. I jumped in line with the other kids and started stretching my arms and legs, and when I entered the pool later that night, I wasn't afraid at all.
I was actually in a swimming class that night and mum was determined to let me learn how to swim, but if she insisted on getting me in the pool or told me I had to learn to swim again, there was no way I would've stayed. Now swimming has become something I love to do in my spare time, all thanks to mum who took all the fear away from me that night. Swimming is just one of the many things mum helped me achieve over the 17 years of my life.
When I was young, consistency wasn't really my thing. The books I never finished reading, the food I never finished eating and the pictures I never finished drawing have piled up into a little hill. The same thing happened when I was 3: I decided I wanted to play piano. My dad was very excited and bought me a piano (It was a huge purchase at the time because my family wasn't very wealthy at all). After pushing a couple of keys and stepping on the pedal a few times, I pushed my brand new piano aside to join the rest of my pile. Mum didn't like that, she saw potential in me ( I had very long fingers as a kid, and loved music, just not practicing.) and decided I was going to stick with it. Sitting still for 30 minutes was very hard for a 4 year old, I begged and cried and got out of practicing every chance I got, one time I even threw up on the piano just so I didn't need to play for the day. Mum didn't give in with me: she sat through every practice and lesson with me, she even learned to play herself at the start just so she could tutor me at home. To keep the little interest I had in practicing, mum changed 5 teachers for me in China and finally, in the summer I turned 13, I started to fall in love with what I had been fighting against for 8 years. Now piano is an inseparable part of my life: I was the pianist of almost every event in high school and I went on to learn about jazz piano: I've just been accepted into Jazz School in Christchurch (New Zealand) to study as a gap year thing. It was hard, being made to play every night, but now I can not thank my mum enough.
Aside from pushing me to learn things like swimming and piano that definitely improved my life, my mum made a decision that changed my life forever: At the age of 12, she sent me to the Land of the long white clouds: New Zealand.
For the first six, maybe eight months, I hated mum for sending me there: I attended an all girl school in a small town with no other Chinese in my school, stayed in the school hostel with unfriendly girls and no social life. Every couple of days I would pick up the phone and let out all my fury on her. Mum was helpful even when she was half a world away: she always offered the best solutions for my problem and put a smile on my dial every time I put down the phone. As I made friends and grew happier my phone calls decreased to once a weeks, or just a couple of times a month. Mum later told me she was worried about me but she knew I was happy there, so she was happy too.
New Zealand turned out to be my favorite country in the world: not just the endless blue and green, but also the people and the lifestyle. Being on my own had made me so much stronger: I learnt to do my own washing, ironing, sometimes cooking ; I learnt to get alone with all kinds of people; I learnt to handle pressures and make the right decisions.......There's a whole new world out there without the protection of family, and I think getting to know it and in control of it so early has made to a lot more mature than my peers.
I guess mum didn't intend for so much change when she saw me walking out of the airport looking so grown up, but I could tell she was pleased. She had only sent me aboard so I could speak English fluently and have a healthy personality without all the heavy school work in china, now she got that, and so much more.

Essay B( I forgot how to edit and put this together with A)
Just wrote this all in one go so even rougher than the first lol. Does it make sense though? Does it answer the question? Please give feedback

2: Choose an issue of importance to you—the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope—and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

What I want or what's best for me?


The typical dialogue in any 'teen's gone wild' movie:" Baby, mum/dad just did that because I/we want what's best for you." " What about what I want?!" Yea, what about that?
Don't get me wrong, I love my family. For the effort they go through to provide me the best resources, for their unconditional love for me. I've always known that my job is to grow up and do them proud, but just like many other teenagers living under the great expectations from their parents, I struggle between the balance of what I want and what's they think is the best for me.
I was born and raised in China, what people would call a developing country, but one particular idea is thoroughly developed among the Chinese parents: our kids are going to college. Growing up, getting into college seemed like a battle I had 18 years to prepare for: I got into the best kindergarten in the city because that would ensure my entrance to the best primary school, best junior high, best high school, leading to the college of 'my' dreams. I did well too, in primary school I was the emcee of the school TV station and school events, I loved the attention but it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to go to America, the land of freedom. My knowledge of the United States was limited from what they say on TV: movie stars, singers, justice, and the freedom it advocates. I told mum about my idea but I was young and mum assumed I didn't know what I really wanted. What was best for me was to go to a good college.
I got a little older and realized what I wanted surprisingly clicked with what was best for me: going to a good college, in America. So I moved to New Zealand, intention being study English and one step closer to what's best for me. New Zealand gave me a culture shock: all that I ever believe or assumed was different here. Most New Zealanders are happy where they are, they enjoy their lives and hardly ever think I about what's coming tomorrow. I don't blame them because NZ is a beautiful country and has a great government to provide them great livings, sometimes without even working for it. In this laid back environment I was able to drop all the weight I had on my shoulders and discover what I want. I found music. The truth is music was always with me but I never took it as something I love, just something else I had to do. In NZ I could really participate in the music events and even make my own music, this made me take another look at what I want in the future. I crossed off "America" and added "To pursuit music". Meanwhile, what was best for me was still "Go to a good college in America".
So I'm at a turning point of my life here: I've just finished high school and there are two paths in front of me: I could spent 3 years in Jazz School (which I just got accepted into) and pursuit my music or I could go to college in American to study accounting which I'm preparing for right now. America was my dream, I get reminded by my mum every chance she gets, but dream changes. What I want changed. However what's best for me never did, and never will. I'm always caught staring blankly into a space, trying to imagine what would happen to me in the future, I'm afraid one bad choice and I will regret it for the rest of my life.
The decision has been made, without the typical dialogue being said. What's best for me sticks for the bigger picture. I'd hate to disappoint my family and put all their hard work into waste, but I'm still going to Jazz School, just for half a year as a gap year thing, I want to know how it's like to learn something I love everyday, even just for a little while. I think that's a pretty good balance between my heart and my responsibilities. It's not a choice that can be made without sacrifices, sacrifice of my dream, and a lot of spear time considering how challenging it would be if I get accepted into the UT business school, but I'm willing to suffer the consequences of my choice.
The question remains for all the other teenagers coming to this phase with confusion in their minds. Sacrificing the artist within could make you an excellent politician or business woman, but I guess some of the great musicians chose the rocky road against all odds. How would you handle it, if you were one of 'me'( us)?

The first essay seems promising -- the grammar needs a bit of work, but you're clearly on track to end up with a strong finished product. The second essay seems less focused, and tends to hold my interest less. You might want to consider focusing on an issue in the news, something that you could even research a bit, and then relate that issue to yourself in some way. The advantage of such an approach is that it shows you are aware of larger issues in the world, something that is more likely to impress admissions officers than a wholly personal focus would.

Thanks Sean going to write a different second one, stay in tune :)
Thank you for replying so fast too it's really helpful.
Changing my second essay to about the suicide rate and the level of education he receives.
Hopefully finish it by tomorrow

After nearly drowning in the sea when I was three years old, and at the age of six I tried and failed to learn how to swim. Since then, I avoided all occasions which involved changing into my swimsuit and jumping in.

She had only sent me abroad so that I could learn to speak English fluently and have a healthy personality without all the heavy schoolwork in china. I received that, and so much more.


Good luck!!!

oh and one question, is it necessary to have a topic sentence kinda thing that answers the question? like ' My mum is the person that impacted my life the most' or such??

Yes, to the extent that you can prepare the reader for what is to come, you should. This is always important, but it takes different forms in different kinds of writing.

The rule is: Say it, explain it, and then say it again in different words. That is the form taken by an essay AND each of its paragraphs, in order to drive your points hoe to the reader.

This is essay B agen, though completely different from my first attempt, please proofread.

Does it fit the question? Sound ok?

Choose an issue of importance to you—the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope—and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.


If you watched the Opening Ceremony of the Beijing Paralympic Games, you would've seen a little girl in the middle of the 'Never-ending Dance'. Her name is Li Yue, she was 11, and under her pretty little pink ballet skirt, she had only one right leg. Li Yue was lucky because one leg was all that she lost to the Sichuan Earthquake that happened in may, 2008. She may had lost the possibility to become a ballerina, she still had a chance to live and explore the world, unlike the other nineteen thousand or so kids that were killed under the 7000 collapsed schools buildings.
I was at school in New Zealand at the time.When I heard the news it was already a day after the horrific earthquake, I did the best thing I could think of at the time: googled for all the informations I could find to help co-organize a fond raising event at school. 5000 dollars were send over in the name of my school and mum had put herself on the list of adopting the homeless kids in Sichuan. All around the world people were offering help, but still the lives that were took cannot come back. That 19,000 kids, any one of them could have become a scientist, an entrepreneur, the leader of a generation, but instead they were buried.
The school buildings turned out to be what we call 'tofu buildings', they were build in a hurry for the quantity but not quality, that's the main reason why so many school buildings were destroyed while the office buildings nearby weren't. The deaths of the next generation of China could have been avoided, but unfortunately the next generation did not seem to be the government's interest. China is rising to become one of the strongest countries in the world but not all aspects of China are ready. The government had alot to work on: the economy, the publicity, the Olympics......of course all this for giving my home country a better future, but they seem have missed the most important part: the future generation. The earthquake happened in a not very developed part of China: a not ready part. The school buildings were not ready to take on a 8.0 magnitude earth quakes, and certainly neither were the kids: they were learning in schools at the time, with dreams waiting for them to chase.
Has the society forgotten the importence of the next generation? In recent years, there have been deadly school collapses after earthquakes in Italy, Algeria, Morocco and Turkey. Most notably, in Pakistan in Oct. 2005, at least 17,000 children died as more than 7,000 schools collapsed after a powerful jolt shook a mountainous region near the Indian border. In the election that had just finished in New Zealand, the people chose the National leader who promised to improve the economy instead of the Labour leader who had been doing a great job on NZ's education.
Actually everyone wants a better futre in the end, but sometimes it's confusing how they want to achieve that: more money in their pockets now and not making sure their kids have a safe education environment with the risk that they may loose it all?
Putting Li Yue in the Opening Ceremony of the Beijing Paralympic Games shows China has learnt it the hard way: the government will do what it can for China's next generation to fufil their dreams. What about the rest of the world?