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urbanan champain: love for Tae Kwon and eating disorder and depression

danbibiThreads: 5 Posts: 5	Nov 30, 08, 11:16pm #1
#2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it My love for Tae Kwon Do began during the summer before my 10th grade year. And it is the best decision I have made. It awarded confidence to disturbed and uneasy girl who feared the world. It aids my ability to go through everyday difficulties. It has impact on both mentally and physically. Its lessons consist of techniques such as self-defense, kicking, breaking, falling and more. To be able to perfect these techniques: anaerobic and aerobic workout is a necessity. Daily training is often rigorous and helps us grasp better sense of self-discipline. Most assume teachings of Tae Kwon Do only consists of physical training, this is a misleading thought. Student must learn meditation, ethical discipline, justice, etiquette, and respect (especially to elders). Master emphasizes importance of our action outside of the gym; philosophy of Tae Kwon Do should apply to everyday life. During the years when I was placed as a captain, I gained sense of leadership. Learned to be and lead as a part of a group during a time of demonstration. I also met one of most influential person in life, Master Yoon. Who welcomed me always to the gym, not only taught Tae Kwon Do but taught many valuable life lessons. With these lessons learned I can face challenges that will encounter me in future and will continue to practice Tae Kwon Do. ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals. During my 9th grade year I was diagnosed with eating disorder and depression. Have been fighting a battle with myself ever since. I often thought of death and reason to live life. However, I had professionals that understood me and encouraged me to have courage even everyone else around gave up. I am able to stand where I am now with all the help I received from these thankful people who were dedicated to their job and lent helping hand. I realized that fundamental reason of life is to help and to be influential. Ever since such experience I am interested in nutrition and psychology, to help people like me. It has been five years but I know for fact, one day I will overcome my difficulties and earn greater happiness given this courage. I believe that further academic learning and advanced knowledge is fundamental and necessary to carry out this mission to deliberate my belief to the world. Because incorrect information can lead people you are helping to wrong direction and possibly hurt them. My experience in college would make me realize the best way for me to help and grasp better sense of who I am. With my knowledge earned in college possibly of psychology and nutrition, I would like to be an eating disorder specialist in order to help and hope they would then become someone who can influence another. Dan Bi Choi

egetzshefThreads: 1 Posts: 4	Edited by: egetzshef Dec 1, 08, 01:04pm #2
you picked really good topics. here are my comments... 1. It awarded confidence to disturbed and uneasy girl who feared the world. In admissions essays you don't really want to portray your weaknesses. A college doesn't want a disturbed and uneasy girl who fears the world even if you have Tae Kwon to boost your confidence It aids my ability to go through everyday difficulties. It has impact on both mentally and physically. 2. go through and edit more carefully. There are a lot of fragment sentences 3. I think that you talk about Tae Kwon in too much of a general sense, esp. in the second paragraph. For example: "To be able to perfect these techniques: anaerobic and aerobic workout is a necessity. Daily training is often rigorous and helps us grasp better sense of self-discipline." What does this say about you? Everything you write needs to reflect onto yourself so if you do not relate it to yourself, it is not really serving a purpose 4. I really like how you talk about Master Yoon. I think you should use specific examples for the life lessons he taught you so you avoid talking a general sense On the other essay... the second answer is really good. I realized that fundamental reason of life is to help and to be influential. Maybe say I realized MY fundamental reason for life.... Also these lines are unnecessary: I believe that further academic learning and advanced knowledge is fundamental and necessary to carry out this mission to deliberate my belief to the world. Because incorrect information can lead people you are helping to wrong direction and possibly hurt them. Incorrect information? I'm not sure where that even came from.... Erica Sheftel

EF_KevinThreads: 12 Posts: 6497 [Moderator]	Dec 1, 08, 11:25pm #3
Thanks, egetzshef, for the good editing! danbibi, the essays are great. Here is just a bit of improvement: During the years when I was placed as a captain, I gained sense of leadership. I learned to be a leader and also a team player as a part of a group during public demonstrations. I also met one of most influential people in life, Master Yoon. Who welcomed me always to the gym, not only taught Tae Kwon Do but taught many valuable life lessons. With these lessons learned, I can face challenges that I will encounter in the future and will continue to practice Tae Kwon Do. Kevin, EssayForum.com

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